If you can say "I don't care what people think about me" this thread isn't for u

[Miss Clara]

Some interesting ideas being discussed here, but I don't agree with them all.

For example, some people treat me differently when they know, but they are a minority of my friends and acquaintances. For the most part, I'm treated like any other woman they know. I thought, early on, that being out and therefore "different" would lead to me being treated differently, I was wrong. Through observation and experience, I've learnt that to most of them I'm just another woman.

I also don't think "editing" your past is a viable solution.. Sure, I will tell stories from my past, but correcting my name/gender is as far as the editing goes. Too much editing just turns it in to an often hard to remember lie.

For some context, I live in the same city as Cindy, but there's probably about a 20 year difference in our ages. She appears as a fairly normal older woman. As for me? I'm much more identifiable as trans - or at least I think so..

I don't think it's a matter of agreeing, Kelly, each of us has to chart our own way in the world post-transition.  There is no right or wrong way to live.   Everyone's path will be different depending on circumstances like where you live and how well you pass.

I've never encountered a person to treat me poorly, but that doesn't mean they don't treat me differently.  There are some people who, being aware of my past, go out of their way to be nice to me.  It's like they want to prove to me that they are not transphobic.  Others who I have every reason to believe are transphobic drop into PC mode.  Of course there are others who do not care that I'm trans, but the only ones I absolutely know are completely accepting are my SO, my sister, and my son.

I've been disappointed not to be invited to join a group of women in an event when it would have been natural and appropriate to do so.  Cancelling out of an invitation that I've extended after first accepting is also common among those who know of my past.  Contrast this with an invitation to join a group on a cruise this fall.  The difference?  To these people, I'm just another woman friend who they feel would be fun to have along.

The amount of "editing" I do is minimal.  I don't hide my past career, for example, even though it was almost exclusively male profession for my generation.  On the other hand, my marital status and past, if revealed, would immediately raise questions.  To tell people that my partner (a woman) and I have been married for many years would be like telling someone I was a navy fighter pilot in my youth.  Huh?!

I have not made up my mind whether or not to continue with 'non-disclosure'.  It's something that I'm lucky enough to have as an option, but it is not an ideal way to live.  I'm sure that one day I'll be outed and the deception may not go over well with some friends.  Living an authentic life is a goal of mine, but clearly I'm not 100% there yet.

[HappyMoni]

   There is a price to be paid and a cost in effort required for whatever we do. I do see myself as a woman, Sophia, although I am still in the process of emerging. I have a great situation with my family, friends, and job. The cost of keeping that status quo is people around you always attaching the aspect of you being an ex-male to their view of you. It is certainly a spoiler to think they accept your true self only to have the slip up of 'he' interjected in the conversation. It takes effort to calm the thoughts of, "The 'he' comment is deep down how they see me."  It is not always a validating setup. The idea of living in nondisclosure full time has too great a cost and too much effort for me  personally. I might gain some validation from new people, but I would be miserable with the losses that would go with it.
   As of today I am two months away from shuffling the deck for me. I believe GCS will change the way I see things in big ways. Having never been through it, I can't say exactly how or to what extent, but I think I will see many things differently. The mere fact of removing a source of severe physical dysphoria will be a boost for my confidence. Maybe at that point, the need for external validation may not be as great and living with the verbal slip ups might be far easier to cope with. Still, I do really enjoy being perceived as natal born female over being seen as trans. When in the public, I would really love to pass as cis.
   Clara your last post of the different ways people change how they act toward you (when your history is known) is pretty enlightening. Thanks!
Moni

[Sophia Sage]

I also don't think "editing" your past is a viable solution.. Sure, I will tell stories from my past, but correcting my name/gender is as far as the editing goes. Too much editing just turns it in to an often hard to remember lie.

Name and gender is usually all the translation that's required. 

I find, though, as I tell my stories and meander through my memories, that my experience of something from my past as filtered through my present perspective necessarily of the here and now isn't always the same as the experience I had way back when.  I just privilege the here and now.

[Kylo]

I'm not insecure about it, don't think I've ever experienced the luxury(?) of feeling 'normal' in various contexts and not just this one, however I appreciate not all information needs to be volunteered to the whole world, and your social position depends on that fact. You tell people you are trans and it does change their perception, even if they accept you completely, even if it doesn't impact your friendship or relationship much. It makes a difference. A difference that doesn't help much beyond your private dealings any if you're trying to just go about a normal life.

After a life of suppression I can't say there isn't a certain desire not to "hide" anything as this can be unhealthy, but I also know throwing this information around won't serve me. I don't particularly want to get positions or make acquaintances purely because of it, or draw attention to it any more than I would any other medical condition. Being "economical" with the truth hasn't been difficult or detrimental.

[Sophia Sage]

I have not made up my mind whether or not to continue with 'non-disclosure'.  It's something that I'm lucky enough to have as an option, but it is not an ideal way to live.  I'm sure that one day I'll be outed and the deception may not go over well with some friends.  Living an authentic life is a goal of mine, but clearly I'm not 100% there yet.

If your truth is that you're female, and that you really always have been... well, there are some narratives that some people would call "true" that really aren't at all.  In which case, you might consider those other narratives as the actual "deception" in your case. 

Depends on your frame of reference, your paradigm for understanding the world.

[Sophia Sage]

The cost of keeping that status quo is people around you always attaching the aspect of you being an ex-male to their view of you. It is certainly a spoiler to think they accept your true self only to have the slip up of 'he' interjected in the conversation. It takes effort to calm the thoughts of, "The 'he' comment is deep down how they see me."  It is not always a validating setup.

The idea of living in nondisclosure full time has too great a cost and too much effort for me  personally. I might gain some validation from new people, but I would be miserable with the losses that would go with it...

Moni, I lived a compartmentalized life for many years, and in fact still do -- it's not like I've abandoned my family, (though I have set some boundaries).  You don't have to give up everything to have experiences within the context of non-disclosure.  Assuming you get female gendering on first glance, all it takes is entering a new social milieu on your own.  Somewhere you've never been before.  It could be a Scrabble club, or volunteering at the food panty, it doesn't really matter. 

To share those experiences with the people still in your life, though, will take some active boundary-setting.  Make it clear what isn't acceptable, and be firm in enacting the appropriate consequences when the unacceptable happens.  For me, misgendering is unacceptable.  Because it induces dysphoria, which for me triggers suicidal tendencies.  Now, correcting someone at the grocery store just takes using my voice -- then it's perfectly clear I'm a woman.  So I'm not worried about anyone who's met me since transition.  Correcting someone from my past, though...

...well, that took taking a "time out" from their presence, of increasing duration, because I can't be in relationship with someone who misgenders me.  It was a consequence that had a profound effect on my parents and sister, who were deeply invested in not losing me.  So they changed.  And in so doing, they also helped me to recognize the gaps in my socialization and how to fill those gaps.  It's all good now. 

As of today I am two months away from shuffling the deck for me. I believe GCS will change the way I see things in big ways. Having never been through it, I can't say exactly how or to what extent, but I think I will see many things differently. The mere fact of removing a source of severe physical dysphoria will be a boost for my confidence. Maybe at that point, the need for external validation may not be as great and living with the verbal slip ups might be far easier to cope with. Still, I do really enjoy being perceived as natal born female over being seen as trans. When in the public, I would really love to pass as cis.

You might find that bottom surgery eases your mind (for it should), but I found it didn't really change anything for me when it came to my social dysphoria. 

But then, again, for me, it was my social dysphoria that predominated.  Which is why my facial surgery was the "real" sex-reassignment surgery as far as I was concerned.  Obviously, not everyone has the same experience. 

[jentay1367]

I totally want and need to pass. I'm on Zukowski's table next month for the whole enchilada in hopes of achieving that exact dream. I've thought about it and decided I'm vain. I'm going to own that rather than deny it. It is what it is. But I also want to live a life with the "muggles" and be accepted into those clicks that probably would not otherwise let me in without their thinking I am a cis woman. So it's what I'm shooting for in effort to gain what I've always dreamt of. A life amongst women as just another woman.

[JeanetteLW]

 Evening folks,

  I have stayed away from this conversation from the start because I feel I am too new to this whole trans life and all of it's terms to give a valid comment. I can answer the basic question though I think. And the basic answer is that I do care what others think about me. That's the short answer.
  Trans or not I have always cared what others think about me and that has made me want to be a recluse all of my life. I have very few friends. I just did a mental count and I counted 11 people that I consider real friends. Those are the ones  I really worry whether they will accept me for who I think I am. I did not try to have them become friends they just did and they complicate my life. I try to be friendly enough to others but keep them at arms length. I am uncomfortable with closeness. I want to be liked and treated right. Other than that I am good with living in private. If I can get by in public without people knowing I'm trans or just being polite to me, I would be good with that. But I fear finding out and I fear the negative reactions. I could be happy living as a recluse, living as I want, dressed the way I want with very little interaction with others.
   This I think come from so many many years of being a closeted crossdresser, indulging and hiding my shameful activities from the world and feeling guilty for doing it. To be honest how can I expect others to accept me as a woman when I haven't been able to myself?  Let me do my thing and hide from the real world. As a recluse others can't hurt me. so yes I care what others may think of me. It scares the H*** s*** right out of me.

Laura or Jeanette or just someone without a clue
 

[josie76]

Wow, there's so much to mull over in this thread. For now I'll just put my own wants out there.

Yes I do care because I want to be me. I don't want to be sitting in a resturant eating and have some hillbilly in the next booth hold his phone up in the air and snap a picture of me. Like I didn't see his arm raised 3 feet above the booth seat?! Dude came in with his wife so I don't know if I was the subject of "do you think that's a trans?" or just some funny thing to send to a hillbilly friend. It happened so fast that I started to doubt what I had seen happen so I did nothing about it.

Here's the thing too, I did have boot cut jeans on but otherwise I only have longer hair and stud earrings. Maybe I should take it as some kind of compliment. Perhaps I look more feminine than I believe I do.

Anyway, someday I want to pass. I want to just be me and not have these things happen. Will that point be reachable? Maybe, time will tell.

[HappyMoni]

Evening folks,

  I have stayed away from this conversation from the start because I feel I am too new to this whole trans life and all of it's terms to give a valid comment. I can answer the basic question though I think. And the basic answer is that I do care what others think about me. That's the short answer.
  Trans or not I have always cared what others think about me and that has made me want to be a recluse all of my life. I have very few friends. I just did a mental count and I counted 11 people that I consider real friends. Those are the ones  I really worry whether they will accept me for who I think I am. I did not try to have them become friends they just did and they complicate my life. I try to be friendly enough to others but keep them at arms length. I am uncomfortable with closeness. I want to be liked and treated right. Other than that I am good with living in private. If I can get by in public without people knowing I'm trans or just being polite to me, I would be good with that. But I fear finding out and I fear the negative reactions. I could be happy living as a recluse, living as I want, dressed the way I want with very little interaction with others.
   This I think come from so many many years of being a closeted crossdresser, indulging and hiding my shameful activities from the world and feeling guilty for doing it. To be honest how can I expect others to accept me as a woman when I haven't been able to myself?  Let me do my thing and hide from the real world. As a recluse others can't hurt me. so yes I care what other may think of me. It scares the H*** s*** right out of me.

Laura or Jeanette or just someone without a clue

I think it possible that once you experience being perceived as female, your acceptance of being reclusive may change. Two years ago I was where you are with regard to being out in public. It scared the hell out of me. When you get out more it is less scary. It really shocked me how much I loved being regarded as female. I hadn't recognized my social dysphoria. It just makes the world seem right to be gendered correctly, viewed as female. When I think back to having to hide in a room in my own house, I get anxiety. When you experience the world as Jeanette, you will never be able to bottle it up again, I think. My first thought of transition was getting some hormones to secretly change my body. Once I opened my mind to taking a step, it very quickly became necessary to go further and further until full transition was a must. I guess my point is never underestimate the hunger of the trans beast. The only thing, if you are trans, that can hold it back is fear. It is the other major power when it comes to being trans. I was so eaten up with fear in my life that I couldn't take  it any more. The need to be genuine finally became stronger than the fear holding it back.
    I am kind of early in my journey still. I don't know where it will end, what I need to do to attain "oneness." Can it happen with just some parts of my life free of the trans label? I started this thread thinking that the strongest people are the ones who don't care if they are seen as trans. They are either strong or because of physical features have no choice but to be seen as trans. Either way, they must be strong. I also know that the people who live the closed narrative (to borrow a phrase) must also be strong, mentally disciplined, I think. From viewing all of these great posts, there are no bests ways, only ways to go to fit the individual. I think these things unfold as we go. The more we experience, the more we know what we need. Probably everyone on here wants to pass (more importantly, be perceived as who they are.) What distance away  from that optimal  place do we find tolerable?
Moni

[Anne Blake]

Hi Moni,

Thanks for the thread; it had been generating some great dialog.

Yes, I do care about what people think about me but not necessarily around my transgender nature. At home everyone knows my story and they either stay away from me or respect me as a friend. Many times my transitioning is a topic that I bring up to discuss troubles or opportunities in life and it is most often a positive contributor to helping struggling friends or at least making new ones by showing that we all have differences both hard ones and easy ones. This past week my wife and I are on the road, currently in Tucson, AZ. We are staying at a bed and breakfast with three other couples. We have been having dialog with them as well as with many other people in town and neither my wife nor I have noticed any indicators that we have been read. We are being treated as what we are, a couple of eccentric crazy older ladies enjoying themselves traveling. Well I both love it and am a bit bothered by it. It is great to be flying stealth; telling stories at breakfast, talking with sales associates at fun boutiques, asking directions from the bus driver, etc. But I am transgender and in the middle of transitioning. Keeping stealth is also keeping a big part of me out of the dialog and, to some extent, limiting where our conversations can go to and it almost certainly limits our ability to educate those around us about the diversity that is so much a part of our lives.

So yes, passing and being seen as cis is really neat, being me and open to sharing heart stories of life is something that I would miss if it went away.

By the way, prior to realizing my transgender nature two years ago I was extremely introverted, since transitioning I have begun to enjoy an extroverted side of life.

Anne

[Denni]

Very interesting thread with lots of thoughts and wonderful dialogue. I also care what others think of me but in a entirely different view. I am now starting my ninth month of HRT but will not be socially transitioning because of what others think of me. I accepted myself as trans two years ago after battling the transbeast for over sixty years and came out to my wife one year ago. She has accepted me as who I am and accepted my need for HRT but I am honoring her wish's to continue to present as male socially. When coming out to her I could see the pain that it caused her and realized that it would do the same to my kids and grandkids so the decision to not fully transition is based on that knowledge. Caring for her thoughts and of my family are most important to me and to cause them undue pain is not something that I want to be a part of. After nine months of HRT I am realizing the mental and physical changes that are a part of the transition that one experiences. The mental changes have been most welcome with the anger and bitterness becoming for the most part a thing of my past, the feeling of my mind and body finally aligning as one mentally and physically as they should always have been is most rewarding. Given the opportunity to live as who I have always been would be wonderful, but I know that it is not something possible. I am guessing that there are many others in our community in the same position as I am and we all care what people think of us. All of us no matter how we are living our lives need acceptance in our daily life, it is a part of our being. How we choose to live and receive that acceptance in one form or another makes us who we are.

[Janes Groove]

Well I both love it and am a bit bothered by it. It is great to be flying stealth; telling stories at breakfast, talking with sales associates at fun boutiques, asking directions from the bus driver, etc. But I am transgender and in the middle of transitioning. Keeping stealth is also keeping a big part of me out of the dialog and, to some extent, limiting where our conversations can go to and it almost certainly limits our ability to educate those around us about the diversity that is so much a part of our lives.

This got me thinking:
Telling one's story is a basic part of being human.  It's why we have a project of western literature.  I have heard it said that people are just basically a story wrapped in skin.  When we have to edit our story in order to fit a non disclosure narrative that suggests that we are different.  The very fact that we feel a need to edit our narrative is evidence of that difference. An acceptance of it.  Ironically, in attempting to remove ourselves from trans space we are entering into the center of it. Our need to elide, edit, conceal our story in order to fit more cleanly into cis space is understandable given the burdens of disclosure.  The transphobia and the attitude in cis space that what we are doing is wrong, deeply upsetting, perverse.  The ultimate taboo.  And in many settings an invitation to violence against us.  An edited narrative for the purpose of trying to avoid that pain is totally understandable.  Also, why not partake in the pure joy of being accepted as a woman among women.  We certainly deserve it after the ordeal we've been thru.

But it is a very trans thing.  Quintessentially trans.

While the great storytellers of the past draw upon their struggles to make their story fit into a universal struggle for acceptance and synthesis with a universal truth of being human.  We edit.  Sort of like Odysseus eliding the Trojan war from his epic.  To feel a need to conceal the very thing that most makes an interesting character interesting.  Mmmmmm.  Very trans.

I mean just go to an AA meeting and try to find people who don't want to talk about their lost years as drunks.  Just try. You will not be successful.

Denying ourselves what every cis person takes for granted on a daily basis, i.e., the ability to strive to tell our own unique and true story and share it with our community, to weave our past into our present in one's unique narrative in an attempt to find unity with our past and present without having a ton of bricks fall on one's head is a very trans thing.

[Miss Clara]

Yes, non-disclosure does mean giving up something in order to get something.  I as see it, though, I'm not giving up much, while gaining a lot.

It might be just me, but my distant past is not a place where I want to spend much time.  To a large degree the past belongs to someone who is no more -- another person, a man, someone I knew very well, but not the person I am today.

If I miss anything, it's the many years I didn't experience as my real self, a girl, a young woman, a middle age woman.  That missing past is a huge void that I cannot fill.  It's a hole that I cannot draw upon the way others do.  I have no choice.

Filling that gap with memories and stories of that lost friend is not something I want others to know me by.  I'm creating a new past with each successive day that I live.  It's incredibly exciting.  It has injected new energy and wonder into my life, something that was fast disappearing in the years leading up to my decision to free myself from the charade I was so unsatisfyingly invested in.

I don't suppose others feel as I do.  I've always been future oriented.  Maybe that nature helped me cope with the present day stress and anxiety of life that was my gender dysphoria.  The fact is, even when I'm in the company of people who know my past, I rarely bring up my former life.  I find it hard to put myself back into the shoes of a person I no longer identify as.  I refuse to rest on my laurels, or rely on past accomplishments to prove myself. 

Having said that, I still benefit from my past experiences, my education, my travels, my skills, etc. none of which are firmly linked to my former gender identity.  If others sense that I'm reluctant to say more about my past, it could be that my being in a same-sex relationship means that others respect my desire to keep certain aspect of my past private. 

So living with non-disclosure is not burden for me.  In many ways it has helped me to progress in this final stage of my transition during which I hope to become a woman inside and out.

[Sophia Sage]

I have heard it said that people are just basically a story wrapped in skin.  When we have to edit our story in order to fit a non disclosure narrative that suggests that we are different.  The very fact that we feel a need to edit our narrative is evidence of that difference. An acceptance of it.  Ironically, in attempting to remove ourselves from trans space we are entering into the center of it. Our need to elide, edit, conceal our story in order to fit more cleanly into cis space is understandable given the burdens of disclosure.  The transphobia and the attitude in cis space that what we are doing is wrong, deeply upsetting, perverse.  The ultimate taboo.  And in many settings an invitation to violence against us.  An edited narrative for the purpose of trying to avoid that pain is totally understandable.  Also, why not partake in the pure joy of being accepted as a woman among women.  We certainly deserve it after the ordeal we've been thru.

But it is a very trans thing.  Quintessentially trans.

The point is not to deny ourselves, to edit or elide.  Because people don't have gaping holes in their narratives.

The point is to realize that we were always female.  (Or male, going the other direction.)  It's the final step in the journey -- there never was a gate.  And once that realization is, well, realized... then there are no more narrative issues.  There's just translation... a translation that's predicated on a greater truth. 

If anything, what's "quintessentially trans" is the trans narrative itself.  After all, without that narrative, there's no physical transition -- no hormones, no surgeries -- and there's no social transition, no impetus for anyone to gender you differently than how they have previously.  It'd be nice if there was an "instant pill" that also worked on everyone else's memories of you (including your own memories) but there isn't.   

But for many of us, the "essence" of who we are isn't the temporary experience of transition, or years of GD, but simply having an identity that's firmly on one side of the binary or the other, an identity that was always so.  And when that's the case, then there's a choice to make, of whether to honor that truth and all that truth implies or to privilege the trans narrative.  There's no right or wrong choice to make, but there are consequences of unhappiness for choosing against one's personal truth, regardless of what that truth is. 

So, telling the story of me and my sister, for example.  I'm less than a year older than her, and when we were growing up, as her older sister I was expected to look after her, to make sure she had an easier path through school, and so on.  And this was fine.  We still had an awful lot of fun together, mostly playing dolls and stuffed animals and riding our bikes around the neighborhood.  People would mistake us for twins (usually Irish twins).  But I still kind of relished the responsibility, because it made me feel important.

But then something happened that irrevocably changed our relationship -- we grew up.  And specifically, her puberty started before mine.  Crazy, right?  Suddenly she was the one who knew more than me, and I... I didn't like that!  Our roles were reversed, and unfortunately I was so immature that I became resentful and pulled away from her.  I just couldn't deal with her having an experience that I hadn't had first, especially one that I thought was so important as that, even though it really wasn't. 

We still have a nice relationship today, and enjoy each others' company when we get together, but I wouldn't call it close -- we don't talk on the phone every week or anything, you know. Instead, we both get the regular emotional support we need from our Mom.  I hope if this will change when Mom passes away... because I regret the distance I have with my sister, and maybe we'll recapture the closeness we enjoyed when we were little girls at some point in our lives, because we'll truly need each other.

That's the kind of understanding of who I really was when I was growing up that I didn't enjoy back then, not to mention an understanding of who I am now.

Remember, the past no longer exists, and the future has yet to be.  There's only one moment that really exists, and that moment is the present. 

[Sophia Sage]

If I miss anything, it's the many years I didn't experience as my real self, a girl, a young woman, a middle age woman.  That missing past is a huge void that I cannot fill.  It's a hole that I cannot draw upon the way others do.  I have no choice.

Filling that gap with memories and stories of that lost friend is not something I want others to know me by.  I'm creating a new past with each successive day that I live.  It's incredibly exciting. 

This has been true for me -- the longer I've spent living my life in harmony with my personal truth, the more my memories (the "past") have come to reflect that personal truth as well.  It's been incredibly liberating for me. 

And as it turns out, I've discovered that my past was never missing at all, never a "void" -- because it was always me processing the events around me, learning what I needed to learn, and then translating it to a reality that didn't conform to my personal truth, but instead exercised great power over me. 

So really, through transsexing -- and I just realized this just now -- there's not even a "translation" of the past, but rather an undoing of the inaccurate translations of yesteryear. 

[Rachel]

Monica, this is a good thread. I thought about it for a day or two before answering.

There is a book from Kate Bornstein called My gender Workbook. It talks a lot about the gender triangle and address your thoughts very well. There is a lot more in our culture than I though about that is not only about being male but being white and tall.

I would have loved to have been correctly gendered today. Only two people called me Miss and the rest gendered me sir. Although several did not address me as miss or sir so I could count that as Miss. No one said anything although I received looks everywhere I went by at lease one or two people. I am in Miami and flew in this morning. I used the woman's room in Philly and Miami. I got a few looks but there were no comments. No one refused to serve me or gave me a hard time. I am an extremely polite and a quiet person and if something was said or if I was not provided service I would not have said anything or caused an issue. I really dislike any conflict whatsoever.

I have lost some privilege at work in the eyes of my supervisor. Before I came out a few years ago I was put on an interdisciplinary team for a project called ESPI by our COO. I am working with some of the smartest persons in their fields. I wonder if I would have been put on the committee if I had come out earlier.

I want so much to just blend in but I do not think this will happen. I will look better and feel better about myself but the reality is I have had to accept I will never pass. I was using my voice techniques today, even on the phone. That did not help. I have not mastered my voice and it has an impact.

I understand your apprehension about not passing and not having female privilege.

[HappyMoni]

   I went out to the store tonight. I  was shopping for something comfy to wear should GCS happen like I hope. As I walked around, I wanted to be so convincing that no one would give me a second thought. That would allow me to relax in just being me. I thought that if I were walking around holding the hand of a guy, I would be much less likely to be questioned. When I walk with my female partner I am a little taller, bigger boned, smaller butt, less naturally female looking.  For a lot of reasons, being with my partner makes me less likely to pass then me being with a guy.  So, on one hand, I am intensely driven to be perceived as my true female self. It is one of the most driving things I have ever dealt with. On the other hand, I love my partner. I want to be with her. We have so much history, and she is by far my best friend. This may not be the perfect example, but it made me think that there are no choices without consequences.
   Legitimacy is in our own heads. Clara passes well. Rachel posted that she feels she doesn't. Denni says she will not socially transition. It is possible that someone who passes well could have less self legitimacy than  someone who doesn't pass or who doesn't transition at  all. Somehow we have to find our own individual peace and self satisfaction. I am in the middle of trans mania. I've gone full time within the past year. I am making so many adjustments. I am trying to figure out my new brain with all the old living situations. I am deep in the process like so many others here. I am trying to understand what I need to find my ultimate happy place. I listen to those like Sophia who are so much more evolved than I am. To me, the important thing is not so much how her happy place is configured. It is that that happy place is possible. Anyone who reads this thread who is struggling to find themselves can look to those who are self legitimized and know it can happen. It makes me hopeful.
Moni
One more thought! I like the idea that Anne brought up about telling our story. We are in a time where trans people are oppressed. I am thankful to those who are visible and vocal. I don't think that is necessary for everyone to be out there visibly like that. The thing is, anyone we can educate helps the situation of all of us, right? I take a little pride in changing attitudes at my work. I have been through my personal dysphoric hell in my life. If I can help reassure or assist any other trans person, it makes my past a little more purposeful, easier to accept. Hope this isn't too soapboxy.

[Miss Clara]

Moni, I can so relate to your situation, even though I'm further along than you.  From the moment the thought of transition seriously entered my mind, I questioned whether, no I feared, I would never be able to pass.  I never wanted to be trans.  I hated the idea of living out my life as an exception.  For once I wanted to look at my reflection and not turn away with pain in my heart.

If I pass today, it's because I've worked so hard at it.  And, you know, I still work hard at it.  It is important to me, and probably always will be.  I wish I didn't care so much.  I have trans friends who don't make it a top priority and get by just fine. 

Some of my cis girl friends have long since given up trying to impress people.  It's so maddening that even without makeup, wearing just a sweat shirt and some pants, and a quick brush through their hair, no one ever misgenders them. 

Most trans women have the potential to pass, but they don't because they make mistakes in their presentation that draw attention to their masculine features.  And, for one reason or another, their friends don't feel they can make suggestions for improvement.   

Some masculine features simply cannot be erased.  I have big hands, an inheritance from my mother.  No one ever misgendered her because of her large hands.   She had enough feminine characteristics to tip the gender balance her way.  It's the same with height, shoulder and hip width, and shoe size.  There are ways to de-emphasize these features.

I'll tell you what changed my world for the better.  It was facial feminization surgery and voice training.  When I nailed those two, passing became possible.  And with passing came self-confidence like I'd never felt before.

[Sophia Sage]

I thought that if I were walking around holding the hand of a guy, I would be much less likely to be questioned. When I walk with my female partner I am a little taller, bigger boned, smaller butt, less naturally female looking.  For a lot of reasons, being with my partner makes me less likely to pass then me being with a guy.  So, on the one hand, I am intensely driven to be perceived as my true female self. It is one of the most driving things I have ever dealt with. On the other hand, I love my partner. I want to be with her.

That's quite the stark realization.

I am thankful to those who are visible and vocal. I don't think that is necessary for everyone to be out there visibly like that. The thing is, anyone we can educate helps the situation of all of us, right? I take a little pride in changing attitudes at my work. I have been through my personal dysphoric hell in my life. If I can help reassure or assist any other trans person, it makes my past a little more purposeful, easier to accept. Hope this isn't too soapboxy.

It isn't necessary for everyone to take one path or the other -- it really wouldn't be much of a choice if it were, would it?  But here's the thing -- enmeshing one's self in a social milieu of non-disclosure for one's own personal healing is not mutually exclusive of helping out others who've suffered in the same way we have.