Feeling bad

[Saira128]

I have been under treatment for depression for the past few months but its not getting any better.
       When I try telling my therapist about it, she just increases the dose of my anti-depression medicine. I am approaching the maximum daily dosage limit.
        My depression usually starts affecting me in the evening. As it gets dark, I close my bedroom door and windows, and keep myself in bed till the next morning. I know its a ->-bleeped-<-ty way to live. I am not ashamed to tell you all, that I cry myself to sleep almost every night.
       Somedays are even worse than this.
      The anti-depressants don't seem to work at all.
      I think all day about my gender, and regret being born a male. I hate that constant feeling of regret.
     I try to enjoy myself, I go to the gym every morning, play some video games, but it works only temporarily. By evening, as the sky becomes dark, my mind also gets engulfed by the darkness.
      My parents try to cheer me up, but it doesn't work. Now even they have stopped trying.
      My whole day is spent in the bed, sickened with depression.I just wait for the day to end. I don't feel alive anymore. I'm just pretending to live.

[findingreason]

I can relate to how you are feeling, I'm going through similar things right now. I spend nights at my computer in the dark and just let myself become lost in nothingness. I become attached to my bed and don't want to get up during the day, and sleep a lot of hours. I have little motivation to do things. It's not pleasant, but it is what it is. Also, I've concluded that my antidepressants have lost their effectiveness. I'm asking my psychiatrist next time I'm seeing him if we can try something new.

Do you get more depressed in the winter, when there are fewer sunlight hours? If so, you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and a sun lamp may be helpful for you. I know in the long winter months here where we get 4 hours of sunlight a day in December, I find the lamp to help a lot.

If your therapist only reacts by upping your dosage for your antidepressants, does she try to help in other ways? It may be worth considering a new therapist if she is unhelpful, as well as a new antidepressant if your current one doesn't work to alleviate the symptoms. Sometimes a few different courses of treatment are needed until the one that works is found. And that's okay. In the meantime, reaching out for help is great and we're all here for you.

[Steph(Fairgirl)]

Hi Saira,
You shine light into the darkness when you speak.
This light is within you girl.It is you.

Hugs
Steph.

[Edina]

Everyone experiences depression a little differently, which is one of the reason is hard to find the correct treatment for individual patients.

There are a number of different medications available to treat depression, buts it's not like the doctor can just try a different one each day. They have to gradually increase dosages and see the effects to make better choices on where to go next. As frustrating as it may be, your doctor is probably just being responsible.

I have battled depression a number of times in my life and managed to forge through it each time, so it can be done. I've always thought of anti-depressants as a flotation device for someone who is drowning. They will keep you from going under, but they do nothing to help you get back on dry land.

Ultimately your happiness is your own responsibility, no one else can find it for you. finding meaning and purpose in each day is one of the hardest challenges any human being will ever face.

Depressions greatest gotcha is its tendency to make you give in to it. After a while it can be a comfort in and of itself, becoming a defining part of your personality, so much that you can't even imagine who you would be with out it. This is the trap you must fight to avoid at all costs.

It's sounds immensely trivialising, but the key to overcoming depression is choosing not to be depressed. Deciding that's not the person that you want to be. That's by no means the only thing required, there is much more work required to find your way out of the dark. But if you don't make that choice to keep searching, you will never find your way out.

You must choose life, every day. Fill your day with distractions, keep your mind distracted long enough and your distraction will become your focus. As long as you have people in your life who care about you, you have all the resources you need to find your way. It is not easy, in fact it will be the hardest thing you ever do. But once you do it, then you will know, you will KNOW, that you can accomplish anything.

Good luck, never stop reaching out. The more ideas, opinions, facts you can take in, the more tools you have at your disposal.

You can do it. I believe in you

[RobynD]

I can relate as well but to as severe of a level. The only part of the bad depression and anxiety that survived the start of HRT was some intermittent night time depression. It gets worse in winter as the days are shorter but it does not happen every evening.

My advice is to talk to your doctor about potentially changing meds. If it is UV related, some people have had lots of success with sunlight lamps in the evening.

[cheryl reeves]

Depression isn't a good thing,I been dealing with depression for 39 yrs. My Dr thinks she has it figured out,it's linked to being forced to be male,instead of female which has caused my life to be in disarray. My depression is so bad I've been labeled ptsd,but I don't take meds for it til bedtime so to be able to sleep,bedtime is the worse for my brain doesn't shut down but keeps me awake til I pass out from exhaustion. So now I'm waiting for my Dr to schedule me an appointment with a gender therapist so to help me find me...I know I come off as a tough person but it's a act of preservation as I've found out.

[billyjeans]

Hang in there. I found the right meds and it made it so the strategies that my therapist teaches me were more effective.  I'm also wondering about how depression and acceptance of my gender is related?  Currently it seems so, but I still struggle. I think I'm on an upward trend. Keep reaching out to your supports here and in real life.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Harley Quinn]

Have you tried psychotherapy? It's more of a chat and proactive "game plan" approach than drugs. I'm not a huge fan of the drugs and my psychotherapist is quite motivational. It might help you with taking the reins in your life. I see her when I start stalling out and she helps me get jumpstarted again.  The drugs never worked for me... I muddled through until things in my life overwhelmed me while taking them. Anti-depressants may not be a good fit with you as well. And not every anti-depressant is created equally. You may need to try a different brand. I hope you start feeling better!

[Saira128]

Have you tried psychotherapy? It's more of a chat and proactive "game plan" approach than drugs. I'm not a huge fan of the drugs and my psychotherapist is quite motivational. It might help you with taking the reins in your life. I see her when I start stalling out and she helps me get jumpstarted again.  The drugs never worked for me... I muddled through until things in my life overwhelmed me while taking them. Anti-depressants may not be a good fit with you as well. And not every anti-depressant is created equally. You may need to try a different brand. I hope you start feeling better!

My psychotherapy starts next month. Is it really this effective? I wish I'll feel better.
    I know, the drugs don't work for me too. My doctor has already tried so many different types of drugs, in varied dosages.
    I'm trying hard to feel better.
Thanks.

[Saira128]

Hang in there. I found the right meds and it made it so the strategies that my therapist teaches me were more effective.  I'm also wondering about how depression and acceptance of my gender is related?  Currently it seems so, but I still struggle. I think I'm on an upward trend. Keep reaching out to your supports here and in real life.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My depression and my gender issues are definitely related. It seems I'm on an upward trend too. What I described earlier is what I currently feel. Earlier, it was much worse, I was suicidal.

[Saira128]

Depression isn't a good thing,I been dealing with depression for 39 yrs. My Dr thinks she has it figured out,it's linked to being forced to be male,instead of female which has caused my life to be in disarray. My depression is so bad I've been labeled ptsd,but I don't take meds for it til bedtime so to be able to sleep,bedtime is the worse for my brain doesn't shut down but keeps me awake til I pass out from exhaustion. So now I'm waiting for my Dr to schedule me an appointment with a gender therapist so to help me find me...I know I come off as a tough person but it's a act of preservation as I've found out.

Its a little different for me, I go to sleep very easily, but my quality of sleep is very poor. I dream constantly, mostly they are nightmares. My sleep is mostly REM sleep. The NREM part is very less.
     I feel tired after sleeping.

[Saira128]

I can relate as well but to as severe of a level. The only part of the bad depression and anxiety that survived the start of HRT was some intermittent night time depression. It gets worse in winter as the days are shorter but it does not happen every evening.

My advice is to talk to your doctor about potentially changing meds. If it is UV related, some people have had lots of success with sunlight lamps in the evening.

My doc has tried changing meds multiple times.
   I guess, I'll feel better once I start hrt.

[Saira128]

Everyone experiences depression a little differently, which is one of the reason is hard to find the correct treatment for individual patients.

There are a number of different medications available to treat depression, buts it's not like the doctor can just try a different one each day. They have to gradually increase dosages and see the effects to make better choices on where to go next. As frustrating as it may be, your doctor is probably just being responsible.

I have battled depression a number of times in my life and managed to forge through it each time, so it can be done. I've always thought of anti-depressants as a flotation device for someone who is drowning. They will keep you from going under, but they do nothing to help you get back on dry land.

Ultimately your happiness is your own responsibility, no one else can find it for you. finding meaning and purpose in each day is one of the hardest challenges any human being will ever face.

Depressions greatest gotcha is its tendency to make you give in to it. After a while it can be a comfort in and of itself, becoming a defining part of your personality, so much that you can't even imagine who you would be with out it. This is the trap you must fight to avoid at all costs.

It's sounds immensely trivialising, but the key to overcoming depression is choosing not to be depressed. Deciding that's not the person that you want to be. That's by no means the only thing required, there is much more work required to find your way out of the dark. But if you don't make that choice to keep searching, you will never find your way out.

You must choose life, every day. Fill your day with distractions, keep your mind distracted long enough and your distraction will become your focus. As long as you have people in your life who care about you, you have all the resources you need to find your way. It is not easy, in fact it will be the hardest thing you ever do. But once you do it, then you will know, you will KNOW, that you can accomplish anything.

Good luck, never stop reaching out. The more ideas, opinions, facts you can take in, the more tools you have at your disposal.

You can do it. I believe in you

Thanks...I'll come out of this darkness someday.
   My parents, they try to help me, but its always been me who has refused their help. I guess I'll take their help henceforth.

[Saira128]

I can relate to how you are feeling, I'm going through similar things right now. I spend nights at my computer in the dark and just let myself become lost in nothingness. I become attached to my bed and don't want to get up during the day, and sleep a lot of hours. I have little motivation to do things. It's not pleasant, but it is what it is. Also, I've concluded that my antidepressants have lost their effectiveness. I'm asking my psychiatrist next time I'm seeing him if we can try something new.

Do you get more depressed in the winter, when there are fewer sunlight hours? If so, you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and a sun lamp may be helpful for you. I know in the long winter months here where we get 4 hours of sunlight a day in December, I find the lamp to help a lot.

If your therapist only reacts by upping your dosage for your antidepressants, does she try to help in other ways? It may be worth considering a new therapist if she is unhelpful, as well as a new antidepressant if your current one doesn't work to alleviate the symptoms. Sometimes a few different courses of treatment are needed until the one that works is found. And that's okay. In the meantime, reaching out for help is great and we're all here for you.

Here in India, it doesn't really matter if its summer or winter. Its always hot here, and the days are always long. I don't think my depression is seasonal.
     Its related to my gender issues, and also to my social anxiety.
     I have panic and anxiety along with depression. My parents say I quit very easily and lose all hope. I'm trying to work on that.
     I try to stay positive most of the day, I go the gym in the morning. By evening, as my endorphin levels begin to decrease, I start feeling depressed.
     I think, exercising both in the morning and the evening will reduce my depression.

[Saira128]

Hi Saira,
You shine light into the darkness when you speak.
This light is within you girl.It is you.

Hugs
Steph.

Thanks Steph. You made me feel better instantly.

[Harley Quinn]

My psychotherapy starts next month. Is it really this effective? I wish I'll feel better.
    I know, the drugs don't work for me too. My doctor has already tried so many different types of drugs, in varied dosages.
    I'm trying hard to feel better.
Thanks.

It did for me.  Each one is different, and sometimes it's all in how you two will mesh.  I tried Psychologists and Psychiatrists, both were not a good fit.  Both basically (in my personal opinion) specialized in prescribing drugs to keep you functioning.  I was more interrested in treating the cause than the symptoms of my own issues.  My Psychotherapist is very good at digging in and giving new perspectives, as well as alternative views of how to resolve the issues I was having.  For me, it was a good fit.  I hope your meeting with yours goes well next month.

[Saira128]

I'm feeling a lot better.

[Michelle_P]

     Its related to my gender issues, and also to my social anxiety.
     I have panic and anxiety along with depression. My parents say I quit very easily and lose all hope. I'm trying to work on that.
     I try to stay positive most of the day, I go the gym in the morning. By evening, as my endorphin levels begin to decrease, I start feeling depressed.
     I think, exercising both in the morning and the evening will reduce my depression.

Saira, this sounds familiar.  Really, really familiar.  I did an hour on an elliptical trainer every morning to wear myself out and try for that endorphin spike.  I tended to quit very easily.  I often lost hope.  I did work on it, and eventually became so driven and stubborn that I would not give up even when things felt hopeless.

Co-workers and management at my employers thought this was great.  People praised my effort.  It was the only way I could function, though, a learned response to enable me to survive. I felt like a fraud.  (This is why the psychologists call "Imposter Syndrome", a symptom of my problems.)

After 50 years of this, 30 years after I had realized I was a transgender person in deep hiding, I finally did something about this.  I started therapy for gender dysphoria and 3 months later started HRT.  The difference is remarkable.

Oh, I'm still driven and stubborn.  I just don't need it to stay alive and have minimal function any more.  I am finally, really alive.

I am writing this because I'd like you and others to be able to skip that 30 year hiatus, and be able to happily and joyously live your life.  I very much hope that when you start psychotherapy that you and your doctor will be able to find the right treatment to let you be yourself and have a long, happy life.

Saira, you are a very strong person to endure what you have.  We see that strength, your light shining here.

Be well,
Michelle