I am incredibly frustrated. >:(

[Annaiyah]

I feel angry. I feel resentful. I am frustrated. I absolutely hate being transgender and that i wasn't actually born a female, and that my body would never operate as such. Because of the way i feel i have these frequent intrusive thoughts of committing suicide or self-harm. I actually don't identify with this life at all because i want absolutely nothing to do with being transgender. Reincarnation is my only hope of ever getting to experience being a naturally-born female and i won't accept anything other than that. I also hate not being able to have periods.

Not that this felt any better but i just wanted to get that out.

[Denise]

I feel/felt that way for a while too; you are not alone.  It took me a while to come up with a counter condition but when I did I felt better.  You can too.

My defense against those thoughts in this order were...

1. this is an adventure, treat it as such.
2. I like that I'm finally moving forward after 50+ years.
3.  This is actually kinda fun.
4.  I wonder what tomorrow/next week will bring.  (Months and years were to far out.  I try not to think that far ahead about this)
5. I think I need to go shopping.
6. Call therapist.



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[Chris8080]

I feel angry. I feel resentful. I am frustrated. I absolutely hate being transgender and that i wasn't actually born a female, and that my body would never operate as such. Because of the way i feel i have these frequent intrusive thoughts of committing suicide or self-harm. I actually don't identify with this life at all because i want absolutely nothing to do with being transgender. Reincarnation is my only hope of ever getting to experience being a naturally-born female and i won't accept anything other than that. I also hate not being able to have periods.

Not that this felt any better but i just wanted to get that out.

I know exactly how you feel Annaiyah, story of most of my life actually. I don't have any belief in reincarnation but there are times when I question that belief simply because my mind knows exactly what I should be feeling and experiencing even though it's not there to feel or experience. For years before any HRT in my mind I knew exactly what the feelings and sensation of breasts and nipples were. When I finally had been on HRT long enough to have breasts it's quite shocking to me how right I was, what I feel there is exactly as I always knew. Same with a vagina, I experience sensations there where there is no there to feel it. So I question maybe I was a female in a previous life but then the confusion sets in, maybe I am male in this life because I was FTM in a past life. But if that's the case maybe I was MTF in the life before that.  How ironic, no escape from that scenario.

So I deal with it much as Denise, after all this time something positive, something wonderful is happening. It is an amazing adventure. I also spend little time looking years into the future cause right now is true progress, more happiness than I ever thought I would have. Ok, not so much Denise's #5, shopping isn't really my thing. Maybe that's the male in me sneaking out.

[ds1987]

Oh Annaiyah, your words latch to mine strongly, almost viscerally. I get so excited with the thought of progress, only to be thrown back into the reality of my male body.

I started taking hormones two weeks ago, which feels wonderful in a way, but awful in another. The uncertainty is decreasing, and I'm happy to finally be on this path. But then I get hung up on looks, function, cost, the sheer magnitude of what I've begun to undertake. I call myself worthless, I avoid mirrors, and cringe at my own voice. I often wear makeup and women's clothing, but I keep having to shake frustration when I see myself and am just a boy playing dress up.

But I have to pursue this, because I know I've never been happy as me. This is more than physical, as is my transition. In becoming more complete, I have to believe that I will one day be able to fully accept myself, regardless of what might be "lacking" in the female sense.  But even as I write this, my feelings surge and clash, the upheaval and reconstruction of self seeming inexplicably tumultuous


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[josie76]

This brings up many memories of feelings. For years my defense of these thoughts was to do my best to deny all my feelings. If I could keep my mind away from emotions then I could keep from feeling everything that you said.

Maybe it was finally accepting who I am that has helped along with knowing transition is in progress because now my emotions flow freely yet I have not felt like that much lately. I still see the man looking at me in the mirror most of the time, but, then the other day I actually saw me starting to show through. HRT is a slow but miraculous thing. Well enough to keep my hope alive anyway. 

[ds1987]

It helps to remind myself that no one, regardless of how they act or look or speak, finds zero flaws in themselves. Yes, the difficulties of trans men and women differ from cis men and women, but everyone has their own difficulties. When I remember that cis women are constantly told they aren't good enough, I am able to calm down and know that I am always changing for good, working towards goals. And that my being a woman is not just about my face or my boy body, but it is intrinsic. I need this enough to completely change my physical being, but my mental and spiritual components are just as important, if not more so.

Also know, if we have replied or even read your post, we are here with you, as much as we can be.


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