My story. My call for help. My last ditch effort to connect with ANYONE

[Charlie Nicki]

You will never know how you will turn out before you try.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,106815.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,210798.0.html

I completely agree!

[GameDame]

I'm going to third Dena's post.  Do a google image search for 'mtf before and after'.  Those images are what finally gave me hope that what I'd always secretly wished for didn't have to be impossible.  Hardened marines can become slender and graceful.  Bearded bodybuilders can become the girl next door.  I know that most of us never quite achieve these phenomenal levels of success, but you never know until you try!  Sure, you'll always be tall and broad-shouldered, but there are a lot of tall, broad-shouldered cis-women out there; it's just not the ideal we're usually fed.  Women come in all shapes and sizes, regardless of the genitals they were born with.

[Ilyria]

I am desperately trying to hold onto hope.  It seems further away every day though.  Another thing is....you ever heard Lurch from the original Addams family?  Yeah, my voice is deeper.  I have tried so hard to feminize my voice and I either sound manly or cartoonish, its maddening!

Right now, I don't feel as low as I have been in all of my other posts, I think I'm bi polar.  That depression over not knowing what's wrong with me has turned into a depression knowing I'll never be who I am inside.  It's a conundrum I am altogether too familiar with in life.  I'm also scared to death of sterility right now.  I have no clue right now if things will work out with my girlfriend and I know we wanted at least one more child, but on the other side of that coin is if we have another kid and then I come out to her at any point, I feel like I will have pretty much...screwed her.  Days like this I just feel like a weak person, I am a weak person.  I don't even feel like I have the right to call myself a girl since I have zero bravery in me when I am speaking to so many extremely confident and beautiful women who have been so kind to me.  I feel like I am so far below that.

[Dena]

You can deal with voice. Like you, I was unable to reach the feminine range and I had to live with that voice for many years. Almost 2 years ago I had voice surgery and now I am able to comfortably hit the feminine range. Normally a surgical voice requires therapy to develop a proper voice but it's doable.

As for children, freezing sperm is common in cases like this. The only decision is do you want to delay HRT and have a child or preserve some sperm and have the child latter.

I don't think is a matter of bravery. More likely the problem looks so large it appears to be unsolvable. The trick is the transition is many small problems that you can solve. The more you solve the easer it becomes.

[Janes Groove]

I don't think is a matter of bravery. More likely the problem looks so large it appears to be unsolvable. The trick is the transition is many small problems that you can solve. The more you solve the easier it becomes.

That's right.
Q. How do you eat a whole elephant?
A. One bite at a time.

You don't have to do everything all at once.  It's quite common when in the closet to let one's mind go 100 MPH in a 10 MPH zone.  Fears get magnified.  Many of them have no basis in reality.   That's why it's so important to find a therapist to talk to. Especially in the beginning. You shouldn't have to carry this by yourself.  And, you don't have to go all out and live full time and get all the surgeries (I call it the works) and pass 100% as female or even do HRT (although it really does wonders to reduce one's gender dysphoria, even on a lo-dose).  Think of it more as a journey of discovery.  Just ask yourself, 'What can I reasonably do today?'  Last summer in a support group a young post op trans woman was saying something that was hard for me to forget. She reminded us that, "Transition is about becoming more comfortable with one's gender presentation." It's a balancing act of how much we want to be out and how much we can handle, but it's possible to get to a place of balance much better than full denial and suppressing one's feelings, which isn't healthy at all.  Many of the people on this site and trans women I have met in my support groups have been on HRT for 2 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years even while still presenting as male.  You do what makes you feel comfortable.  Figure out what you want and need to do today.  As much or as little as you wish.  That's the whole point of this. To feel better.  Also, I've seen large trans women that actually pass better than small, thin, wiry types.  All those ample curves really help.

[amberwaves]

My heart goes out to you Ilyria.  It is incredibly painful to deal with life being so radically different than we desire.  While reading your posts I can find distinct threads of similarity with my experience.  You seem to be in a situation where things have become untenable.  I truly hope things improve.

For what it's worth my situation seemed particularly poor near the beginning as well.  I did not believe that I knew how to be a woman and I'm still figuring some of it out.  I cannot speak for your gf and relationship, but it is likely that your child will appreciate having a parent who is happier and stable rather than one who is a wreck.  For the first two years of my eldest daughters life I was completely miserable.  I grew up in a very broken home and I would not let my child be exposed to me and my foul moods.  I figured being an absentee was preferable to screwing her up like I was.  I was wrong.  I was hurting all of us by acting that way.  Things did improve over time and I lament acting the way I did, but it wasn't too late.

More than anything else, you deserve to be happy.  It doesn't come all at once and our brains fool us sometimes with incredibly erratic and irrational fears.  You know that you are tg.  The question really is what to do about it.  You are not responsible for other people's reactions.  Passing is nice, but being content with yourself is really the key.  It's hard and takes time.  Some days feel like a total backwards slide.  That's okay.  Find a small point of light in your life and use it as a beacon.  Even small things can help.  Something as innocuous as wearing panties, or even just shaving can help.  You don't have to jump all in.  As we change life adjusts around us.  It's not all sunshine and roses, but even a cloudy day is better than a tornado.  Stay strong.
Big Hugs,
Amber

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[Charlie Nicki]

Also, I've seen large trans women that actually pass better than small, thin, wiry types.  All those ample curves really help.

I agree.

[Ilyria]

Well, you all have given me a little confidence to start taking steps... even if slowly.  I just tried to take one of my first baby steps....I had been shaving my incredibly fast growing bear/stache for a couple weeks (because I hate facial hair) now and just got tired of doing it literally every day, So i got some Nair facial hair remover cream because at least that was supposed to give me about a week shave free...

Yeah...my face is on fire and I have a blood red beardstache now...I literally feel like my face is inside of a fire.  Yet another sign I guess that it wasn't meant to be.

Edit:  It did not remove ANY hair either.

[amberwaves]

Oh don't use Nair.  It's terribly strong stuff that can irritate your skin (as you learned).  I had incredibly fast growing hair as well (mostly the body hair).  For the body I started epilating.  Had to do it far more frequently than I liked, but it eventually got better.  For the face I still shave.  I don't have money to do electrolysis and laser didn't work.  It's annoying but I would hardly consider it game over for you.  You were brave enough to try and that counts for something.  Now you know one method that certainly does not work for you. Just tell everyone that you were testing to go as Redbeard the pirate for Halloween. (Bonus points if you wear an eye patch.)

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[Ilyria]

Oh, I already have been having super flaky skin since shaving (was always itchy under there anyways, so I just said I had a reaction to some really old lotion I found under the sink, so I am covered there.  I am just feeling downtrodden.  It seems like every step I take, I realize one more thing to add to the very long list of consequences and less and less to add to the benefit column.

[amberwaves]

It's not about how many things you have in each category, it's about the quality of the items.  Unfortunately, it is hard to judge how much benefit you will feel from things due to a lack of experience.  That's why it helps to take small steps. It's not a race.

As far as the flaky skin I recommend you wash your face before shaving, use a quality shaving cream or similar product.  A hot towel over the area to be shaved helps.  Use a quality razor and mind the blade sharpness(I was horrible about replacing blades).  Some cold water after the shave to remove residue and close the pores.  Follow up with moisturizer (I use an inexpensive one with no scent).

One thing I forgot to mention before was that you certainly don't have to have things figured out before starting things.  Not all of us fit nicely into binary gender boxes.  I am still genderfluid and nonbinary.  I lean girl most days, but there are definitely days where it's all guy.  You don't even have to end up where you initially planned.  Many have said they don't want to be a full-time woman and later decide (or realize) they do.  Some are very sure they want to be all woman and discover that is just not who they want to be.  It's all good.  I hope you continue to feel better sweetie.

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[Charlie Nicki]

Oh, I already have been having super flaky skin since shaving (was always itchy under there anyways, so I just said I had a reaction to some really old lotion I found under the sink, so I am covered there.  I am just feeling downtrodden.  It seems like every step I take, I realize one more thing to add to the very long list of consequences and less and less to add to the benefit column.

I know depression makes you see everything as negative and difficult but be patient it's trial and error for most of us and as others said, it's not a race. Take your time.

[Ilyria]

One thing I forgot to mention before was that you certainly don't have to have things figured out before starting things.  Not all of us fit nicely into binary gender boxes.  I am still genderfluid and nonbinary.  I lean girl most days, but there are definitely days where it's all guy.  You don't even have to end up where you initially planned.  Many have said they don't want to be a full-time woman and later decide (or realize) they do.  Some are very sure they want to be all woman and discover that is just not who they want to be.  It's all good.  I hope you continue to feel better sweetie.

Literally the ONLY thing I am 100% sure of in all of this is that if I had NO consequences...Like, guaranteed no surgical side effects/errors, and GUARANTEED acceptance by all my loved ones, and I knew I would completely pass, I would go through with it and transition completely, all the way down to FFS and vocal surgeries, all of it.  Alas, as you all know, this is not the case.  My fears are just so great I'm not sure how I am going to get past them. 

All of you lovely ladies have helped me feel better and accept myself and trans people in general wholeheartedly.  In fact, My girlfriend has a transgender boss (who personally is NOT a good person) and she was telling me about how she didn't get invited to the companies "Girls night out" and immediately I asked "is it because shes rude or because shes trans?"  My g/f looked at me like I was nuts.  Because the last time the issue came up I had been pretty offputting and now I am ashamed of that.  She reassured me it was because she was rude as far as she was told and it kind of opened a conversation up where I explained I don't feel the same as I used to about trans people as a whole anymore.  She took it better than I thought.  Overall I have been trying to...I hate to use the word but...manipulating more and more conversations into how I am opening up to all kinds of things and ideas...maybe subconsciously I hope she picks up on it on her own or just to test the waters.  She is, and always has been, far more accepting of people than her anti trans family and I am already putting that in the positive column.  She's pretty liberal actually, she just has a couple conservative views, and as i'm writing this I am thinking I'm totally not sure if that hasn't always been a chameleon effect of being with me...  We both are VERY against abortion and my mind will never change on that, but....wow, im just thinking how shes always been very accepting of her boss until her boss started being rude.  I was always the one who said "HE" and used her deadname and she always always said "she" and the new name...oh my head is swimming thinking about how horrible I used to be....and wow...you ladies have a powerful effect...I have opened my eyes so much...I still think i'm going to proceed with the slow shaping approach for now but...wow...sorry I just rambled and put all my thoughts this time instead of a carefully thought out post.

*I should address the fact that the deadnaming was only in private conversation, never to her face, but I feel terrible just the same*

[GameDame]

It's okay, rambling can sometimes be the only way to get to what you're really thinking, without second-guessing yourself!

Also, I was thinking about you earlier, and about my own concerns with my body shape (I have decent hips for a bio-male, but my shoulders are really broad and I'm of course relatively tall for a woman).  And in a weird way it helps me to remember that cis-women hate their bodies too.  It's terrible and tragic that specific forms of beauty have been codified as 'correct' in Western society, when so few people match those forms; but it's a problem that all women share, and in a roundabout sort of way it helps me feel more connected to the wider sphere of womanhood.

So after clearing the two biggest physical hurdles (facial hair and hormones) - three if you have problems with your genitals and want bottom surgery - I feel like we end up in the same boat as any other woman.  'I'm too tall', 'I'm too fat', 'My voice is wierd', 'I wish my lips were fuller', 'My boobs are too small'.  To a greater or lesser degree depending on the individual, body image problems just seem to come packaged with being a girl.

[Ilyria]

Speaking of boobs, I already have them lol!  They are far too far apart though and are now burning like the sun along with my face because of the dang Nair >.<  I suspect though they will go away as I lose weight.  I'm down 93 pounds since May of last year.  I have been in a slump though because of the whole worrying about not being able to do anything about what I have found about myself, but, que sera I guess.

My rambling today did help, taking into account all of the things you lovely ladies have said to me.  I am suspecting I am becoming more in touch with dysphoria possibly?  I really have no bearing as to what exactly it feels like that I know of, maybe I have felt it forever and had no basis for comparison to identify it.  I am going to be seeking out therapy soon though.  I have a lot of crap to go through to get a really amazing job including a VERY VERY thorough physical and medical history check.  I have already passed their test where they basically put me to work for a day on the hardest jobs they have to see if I can hack it, and i have my doctor vouching for me in note form, so I am incredibly hopeful.  Though the company I will be working for has been INCREDIBLY supportive and proactive in LGBT issues in the community, the temp service I will be going through to get into that company is....not.  So...after I am in, then I can start therapy.  I'm really kind of excited and super nervous...again I am rambling...sorry.


I am on a high right now because I just found out today, that despite our states idiot governor trying to tear them down, our city has chosen to put in place protections for trans kids in the cities schools and I'm excited for my daughter to be raised into a more inclusive world!  Maybe ill come to terms with my shape and stuff...who knows, but im just kinda getting giddy over this whole big thing right now.  (Totally bi polar im pretty sure)

[GameDame]

Well, if you *are* bipolar (and the sheer intensity of the moods you describe makes it sound like a possibility), that's one more reason to start seeing a therapist, even if it's online or one who doesn't specialize in gender therapy.  From what I know of bipolar disorder (I was engaged to a girl with bipolar 2, I think it was), you should also look into a psychiatrist.  There are medications that can really help give your world some structure and stability, and therapists can't write prescriptions unless they are also psychiatrists (such is my understanding at least). 

I started with my therapist about a month ago - she's still doing supervised work, and isn't gender specialized, but just having her to talk to with no judgment and no worries has been enormously helpful to me.  If you find someone more experienced, or a specialized gender therapist, I'm sure the benefits would change your life.

[Charlie Nicki]

I'm glad you are feeling better Ilyria, and also happy that your girlfriend is open minded. By your post I got the impression that she was not a good influence but I think I was wrong.

Just out of curiosity girl, did you choose Ilyria because of the character in the Angel tv show?

[Ilyria]

I'm glad you are feeling better Ilyria, and also happy that your girlfriend is open minded. By your post I got the impression that she was not a good influence but I think I was wrong.

I have my moments, yes.  Doing better for now, not sure how long that will last, but I am enjoying it to its fullest!  She is pretty open minded, but I really don't think she would react well to....this.  But alas, only time will tell.

Just out of curiosity girl, did you choose Ilyria because of the character in the Angel tv show?

OMG, no one EVER gets that!  Yes!  Guilty as charged!  I always loved and identified with Fred on a very unknown level, not only because she's gorgeous, but because I saw her as "the female version of me."  (If I only knew at the time lol!)  She was literally everything I thought myself to be.  Quiet, shy, nerdy, smart, deeply hurt, extremely emotionally driven, sensitive, caring, in touch yet aloof, clumsy, intuitive and by far the single most underestimated character in the entire Buffyverse.  And then (to be spoiler free) after she made her transformation she became this powerful creature with all of these burdens of a past full of power and pride and freedom now constrained inside a body that just doesn't work for her.  If not for her friends she would have surely died.

I am not sure that this is the name that I will choose, I am torn, but for now, it works because I identify so much with that character that it seems only fitting.

[GameDame]

Ilyria was definitely one of my favorite Angel characters, even though they had to kill my actual fave to bring her in. XD

(Seriously though, R.I.P. Winifred Burkle  )

[Charlie Nicki]

I have my moments, yes.  Doing better for now, not sure how long that will last, but I am enjoying it to its fullest!  She is pretty open minded, but I really don't think she would react well to....this.  But alas, only time will tell.

OMG, no one EVER gets that!  Yes!  Guilty as charged!  I always loved and identified with Fred on a very unknown level, not only because she's gorgeous, but because I saw her as "the female version of me."  (If I only knew at the time lol!)  She was literally everything I thought myself to be.  Quiet, shy, nerdy, smart, deeply hurt, extremely emotionally driven, sensitive, caring, in touch yet aloof, clumsy, intuitive and by far the single most underestimated character in the entire Buffyverse.  And then (to be spoiler free) after she made her transformation she became this powerful creature with all of these burdens of a past full of power and pride and freedom now constrained inside a body that just doesn't work for her.  If not for her friends she would have surely died.

I am not sure that this is the name that I will choose, I am torn, but for now, it works because I identify so much with that character that it seems only fitting.

OMG love it!