It's my 10th day taking Estradiol and I'm feeling so much better. The first change I felt was 4 to 5 days in when I finally felt a sense of calm. It's something I haven't felt in so long I don't know how to describe it except to say that I really wish I had started on the path sooner. My body odor has also changed. I no longer smell like a gorilla. The smell has diminished about 50%; it's still there just way more toned down than before.
I'm not going to lie but work has been a bitch for a while now. The stress of trying to keep your job while pitted against ridiculous expectations set forth by bean counters and others who don't do this job have not made it fun. Add to that the stress of having to go in every day as a guy and play the part when I'd rather be dressed otherwise makes for a very angry person.
I've been angry for most of my life. Being transgender when I didn't have the words for it as a child was a challenge. I grew up in family where I felt I could trust no one because my father was heavily homophobic and very full of machismo. Crossdressing in those days was near impossible and some of those days/events/times were erased from my memory. So many things are gone or forgotten and I'm not sure if I should revisit them or move forward and forget the past. My therapist tells me I need to remember those times to forgive myself. I'm still trying to decide how to proceed there.
Just a few days ago I told my wife details of my youth that I had never shared with her. She had no idea the pain and suffering I swallowed for most of my life as I kept pushing back the inevitable. Not having anyone to talk to, no friends to confide in, and being an introvert led me to thoughts of suicide. You think you can push back the dysphoria and be a man but instead you delay things for days, months, years and come to the same conclusion you had all along. I don't know where my life would have been had I started HRT in my twenties but that was then and this is now.
Now i'm here having jumped with both feet straight into the rabbit hole and I don't quite no where it will take me. We'll have to see what happens after 30 days on E. So far, my wife is by my side and much more accepting and tolerant of everything. She's liking the less angry me. The me that isn't angry with life, the world, work, anything else that gets in my way. Initially she was going to leave, then she was on the fence, now she's curious about where and how far I'll go. Even I don't know how far I will go. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell the world to go screw and just be me finally and other times I think I should bide my time here while I search out something else that will allow me to be me without the judging, etc from so many people I've known over the course of 27 years at this job.
Anyway, I'm up for the ride wherever it takes me. I can definitely say that the 3 years of Testosterone treatment did not do me well emotionally. Sure there was the energy boost but mentally I was still dying. What most people outside our world fail to understand is how much we are killing ourselves slowly while we try to keep with how family, friends, and/or society want us to be. I told my therapist that I feel it's almost like jumping off a bridge but in slow motion. I've been doing that for years. It's what has messed up my legs and my body. The stress of playing a role for the approval of everyone while slowly dying inside. Perhaps the best example is the difference with many before and after pics. The before pics mostly have the dead eyes showing showing half closed and a sadness. Yet, the after pics shows eyes open and alive, the energy unbound and freely flowing from within.
I'm done ranting/rambling/bitching. Just needed to vent. My next step is to work on the things I need to learn so I can venture outside the house as me. A daunting task but one I feel I need to do unless I plan to live the life of a hermit which is not my style.
