I feel like my situation may be unusual...

[GameDame]

...but then again maybe not.

I've heard a lot of horror stories about trans people who have extremely transphobic, even abusive families, for whom coming out is a nightmare or outright dangerous.

I've heard a lot of inspiring stories about trans people with loving, accepting families who barely bat an eye when they come out.

The issue I face is not one I've heard much about.  While my parents are very traditional and conservative, I have no doubts that their love for me is unconditional and that they will accept me regardless of my expressed gender.  And they are more trans-ignorant than trans-phobic - they don't hate trans people, but have a lot of profound misunderstandings about what being trans means and have difficulty grasping it when I try to discuss it with them.  This is partly because of their extreme discomfort with any discussion of gender or genitals in general. 

All of this is to say that my concern coming out isn't as much for myself as it is for them.  Both of them are in poor health - my dad has Alzheimer's (which I think contributes to his difficulties with comprehension), and my mom has a laundry list of health problems, the most significant of which is dangerously high blood pressure, to the point where she's always at some risk of a heart attack or stroke.  I know that with time they could come to accept me after I come out, but I am genuinely concerned that the shock might kill my mom.  She's Vietnamese, and I'm her firstborn 'son' - she is heavily invested in a certain idea of who I am.  Compounding the issue is the fact that my youngest sibling has already come out to them as trans; having a second trans child might naturally cause my mom (who believes being trans is some kind of illness) to think she did something wrong.  As she came from an abusive home, she has a lot of problems processing guilt and can become self-punishing.

Right now, my plan is to introduce them to more educational material about trans people, particularly as it relates to my younger sister, and hope that some of it will sink in.  Once they seem at ease with her gender identity, I would come out, hoping that the revelation might be easier to digest by then.



Has anyone had similar experiences?  Do you have any advice or insight?  Does my plan sound like a reasonable one?

[Axolotl]

This does sound familiar to me.  I have a grandmother who is from Japan.  She used to consider me the "favorite grandchild" because I am the oldest.  I have two cousins who are cross-dressers (not really committed to transition) and they have been accepted into the Japanese side of the family with no problems.  However, when I came out as trans the entire family rejected me for various reasons.  The one that hurts the most is my one cousin is seen as "more beautiful" than I am, so that cousin is accepted and I am rejected.  I am hoping that once I pass better, the family realizes they've made a mistake in rejecting me.  That's my plan of action.

My mother (same side of the family) rejected me and claims she "did not raise her son to be this way", while ignoring the fact that she raised a daughter.  She is also in poor health.  She suffered a heart attack a couple of years ago, and I wonder if she will live long enough to ever see me in person as myself.  (She lives out of state).  I already feel quite upset that both of my grandfathers died before ever meeting the real me.  Although, I know the one grandfather would have rejected me anyway, because he has criticized me for wearing nail polish as a younger person.  It's all very sad -.-

Your plan does sound reasonable, but that doesn't mean it will work.  I tried sending my Japanese grandmother the Jazz Jennings book to have her more clearly understand the kind of support I was expecting, and the response I got back was "Jazz Jennings already looked like a girl, and you don't".  Ironically, I thought I looked like a girl even as a child.  So, even if your plan is reasonable, it may mot work.  I wish you luck.

[GameDame]

I'm really sorry to hear that they rejected you for such a superficial reason.   I am hoping that seeing how well it's possible to pass opens my parents up to the idea more - my sister is still young and can benefit from hormones more than I can.