being trans but not very girly

[Paige]

I'm not full of myself (at all), but I do think very differently from the greater trans community because I transitioned almost entirely in secrecy, with exception to my porn endeavors.

I do not think like you; that does not mean I should be alienated or insulted. You should actually embrace and try to metabolize my viewpoints. That's crucial to developing one's identity.

Now , regarding the trans women who have tried to get with me, this isn't me saying, "OMG she looked at me. She must want me sexually!" I'm 23 and am established as an IT professional---and am also legally female and cultured. I don't think like a teenage girl.

Rather, what I'm alluding to is that many trans women have legitimately asked me for my number (which I always complied because I want friends), and later started voicing that they have a crush on me. One identifies entirely as a straight woman, yet she looked me up and down in my yoga pants for the entirety of the 1-hour group meeting. Then she stared at my crotch region (again as I'm wearing yoga pants) long and hard, as I walked off the the restroom to collect myself. I felt scrutinized as can be, and *then* she approached me after the meeting, and essentially chatted me up. I got home and had a FB friend request from her. That's not at all how cis women treat me.

One more example: I went to a party last summer, dressed as a school girl. Largely, guys had been approaching me all night long, and I even made out with one. However---literally as I was making out with that guy---a trans woman tapped on my shoulder and asked me what my name was. I told her, and she sat down on the other side of me and told me she found me very attractive and wanted to buy me a drink. Again, this was a trans woman, and it was evident to everyone because she didn't pass. Now, here's the real kicker: She didn't know I was trans too until I told her. To her, she was approaching a pretty girl (because she likes them), and the girl just so happened to be trans.

Thus, of course lesbian trans women have tried to get with me. You can't really spin my experiences any other way. This is not me being fill of myself

K.C.

Hi K.C.,

I really wish you would put yourself in the shoes of other transgender people and realize how hurtful some of your comments are.  Most in this community haven't had the benefit of transitioning at a young age, most aren't gorgeous, many have struggled with family and societal rejection.  Most transgender would love to have your life but can't.  So I hope you can find it in your heart to have a bit of empathy for the whole community.

As for your anecdotes, I don't see how you can draw the conclusion that your negative experiences were the result of a transgender person not passing well or enjoying stereotypical male endeavors.  It sounds like quite the stretch to me.

Anyway, take care,
Paige

[TransAm]

Hi,
I have been struggling with this for ages and I just feel so lost. I am a trans woman but I am not very girly, I like motorbikes, wearing jeans and t-shirts, drinking beer, I am not very feminine at all. However, I feel like I can't be a trans women and dress the way I dress or have the full sleeve tattoos I want, I feel like an imposter, like I am not girly enough and it is really messing with me as all other trans women I have seen are really girly and like girly things, I feel like if I am not like that I can't be trans, has anyone got any experience with feeling like this and if so how did you cope and deal wth it?

Want to know what some of my very delicate, feminine fiancée's favorite things are?
Tattoos (she just got a half sleeve four days ago and already has a large back and forearm piece), drinking beer, eating massive steaks, coveting crotch rocket motorcycles, building things, remodeling (plumbing, dry walling, painting, etc.), using power tools and cursing like a sailor.

100% ciswoman, but, more importantly, 100% woman.

Seriously, be who you want.
As trans individuals, we spend so much of our lives stuffed in a box of someone else's design; it's time to build your own space now.

[bexxyab]

Can't agree more most of these comments have been really supportive, what are stereotypical female activities anyway? Shopping, spas, and makeup, yes, of course, I can enjoy these things and do them from time to time but that isn't a hobby to me I shop because it is rewarding and I do enjoy new clothes, I like spas to relax but find a ride can be relaxing but in a different sense and makeup I do want to wear and would enjoy wearing for myself but is not a hobby. Also, I think the femfem is just trying to make any excuse to see anybody who does not fit her idea of a woman is not a woman and just men who hate their penises. Sad to see transphobia by a trans woman.

[Janes Groove]

I agree with femfem when she challenges the idea that gender roles and sex roles are totally separate when obviously for femfem they are not.  I think this applies to many trans women.   I personally know women like this.  Why not accept femfem's view point as just as valid as any other?

[DawnOday]

Hi,
I have been struggling with this for ages and I just feel so lost. I am a trans woman but I am not very girly, I like motorbikes, wearing jeans and t-shirts, drinking beer, I am not very feminine at all. However, I feel like I can't be a trans women and dress the way I dress or have the full sleeve tattoos I want, I feel like an imposter, like I am not girly enough and it is really messing with me as all other trans women I have seen are really girly and like girly things, I feel like if I am not like that I can't be trans, has anyone got any experience with feeling like this and if so how did you cope and deal wth it?

I don't know how old you are but I think I can empathize. For 64 years I had testosterone coursing through my veins. My femme self has always been hidden. I've had a career for forty years, as a guy. I can't ignore an Angel game since 1961. Aside for my love of baseball there is nothing all that male about me. But I can't escape my height, nor my big feet, my poor posture. I lift weights and nothing happens, I have no interest in cars, sports save one, have a different point of view on women.I am 65 years old and Dawn has been in the shadows all my life. Hidden and neglected because of everyone else objection to me wearing a dress, putting on makeup and fixing my hair. I figured if I could not dress to look good, I would dress as grungy as possible. Is there any wonder I hated my inch long penis? I could not function in either capacity, male or female. When I attend a funeral, people tell me I look good in a suit. But, in the back of my mind I think I would look better in a black dress. I've never really thought about it sexually although I have thought about having my own babies. I spread my legs and the doctor plucks Jesus from between my thighs. Think Immaculate Conception.  My "new" wife of thirty one years and I were fortunate enough to have two fabulous babies. Making them was the most male thing I have ever done. It also brought out my nurturing side. as I woke up nights, changed diapers, fed them, bathed them, read books to them. Shortly after my daughters birth my wife and  I stopped having sex.  I love my wife dearly but having sex is just not that important and somewhat embarrassing, Really I am not out to attract anyone. I have always been transgender as it was predetermined at birth due to the care or lack thereof my mother was given. After my body was formed incomplete, my brain was influenced by estrogen doses 3000 to 5,000 times more than a birth control pill administered numerous times over the last 7 months, of my mom's pregnancy.
Here is an explanation I found on Quora by Joshua Engle https://www.quora.com/What-causes-a-person-to-be-transgender   Good luck with your journey and don't worry about tatoos and riding motorcycles.

[paula lesley]

Hi, bexxyab.

No one has asked the most important question    What ya riding ?

I've been riding since I was 4 years old and whilst I am quite girly I still ride off road and am very sporty. Just be who you are. The world will still turn around.



Paula, X.

[bexxyab]

Only a scooter for now but my dream bike is a triumph Bonneville. Live in the Uk and only 18 so a twist and go was the way to go. Also, Jane, my problem is not that part but the fact she is saying in her view that unless you fit gender norms your just a straight person who hates their penis. I have no problems with views but when they are used to say because I am not girly enough I can't be trans just a straight person who hates my penis, that to me is transphobia and I will call that out on a site like this where no one is meant to feel unwelcome.

[bexxyab]

Sorry meant I was looking at getting a scooter have not got one yet but really want one.

[Gertrude]

I still hunt and want to badly.  I use a bow my aunt gave me, and when I bought a crossbow I bought a pink camo one.   I go out hunting by myself.  My wife has no interest in such things.  I don't feel less female when I do, either.  I have posted elsewhere on here that I still do all the stereotypical male stuff as I did before and I have zero T and have had none for years now.  I do things that keep me grounded in my femininity, though, so maybe it is a balance that I strike that does not make me feel like you do, bexxyab?  But, I still do all tractor repairs, bush hog repairs, outdoor work, septic repair, hvac at my house, etc.  I love tattoos, too.  Sports are on my TV more than anything else.  Granted, my wife is a sports junkie, too, and she is cis.  Maybe that helps me feel better about it?  My daughter's friends will come in the house and say "Man, you guys watch all sports, don't you?".

Don't box yourself into sterotypes.  Be yourself, and if your gender is female, what you do does not change that.

It's not a conscious thing, it's just like I've lost interest and don't know why. I used to ride every day and hunt at least a couple times a year. Deer, elk and sometimes small game. I used to like just getting outside. Now, not so much.


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[big kim]

Neither am I, ride a Harley Davidson Sportster (10,000 miles last year) & go to the punk rock festival every year. Never wear skirts or dresses wear makeup 2 or 3 times a year. Also like muscle cars. Used to work on my bikes & cars & other peoples.

[bexxyab]

I think what it comes down to really is people are people so we have hobbies and we gain and lose interests over time, I think also with the losing interests due to losing T I think that might be a bit of a coincidence because I am not saying it is not the reason but reading stuff on other forums from other trans people a lot say that their hobbies didn't change or they did but due to natural loss of interest.

[Chris8080]

femfem I assume your happy with your transition, that "your" definition of MtF is absolutely right "for you". I've had 68 years to get to know me though under a year with HRT and I can assure you with 100% confidence that none of your posts describe me or has anything to do with me, not in the slightest. I have no doubt that in your mind I am from not trans at all or at best much less than you. That's fine, I can easily live with that with zero effect on me. It may be good advice to you that you stop looking down your nose at other trans folks.

One of the greatest things about people is how completely different we all are, trans or not. What a horrible horrible world it would be if we were all carbon copies in cookie cutter world.

[DemonRaven]

I've been transitioning for quite awhile, and when you reach my stage, you sort of drop the whole "don't stereotype; it's insensitive" mentality, because you realize how unreasonable it is.

With exceptions, generally, butch-behaving trans woman are lesbian-identified (I was correct there)---and generally, lesbian trans women hit on the femme ones. This is no more dangerous than assuming that a cisgender butch lesbian is into cisgender femme lesbians. That's just how it works generally.

So, when I say that butch trans women have historically hit on me a lot, and have made me feel uncomfortable, it's not a radical statement. I actually no longer attend trans support group meetings because I got sick of this! I want fiends, not partners!

Regarding my attraction towards men driving my progress as a woman, why do you think cis women strive to look so feminine? They're trying to impress men, as well as peers, but largely men. That's kind of the primary reason behind why women tend to act submissive and dress fashionably. If and when they don't do either, they tend to be attracted to the same gender, and therefore only have the desire to behave femininely if they're wanting to attract more butch lesbians. Again, there are exceptions, but this is how it goes generally!

And it's awesome that you'd still socially transition despite liking masculine things. You never know, though---you may become more feminine than you anticipated. I behaved a lot more guy-like before transitioning, not that I went hunting or fixed cars, but I was still somewhat more masculine. Now I'm all-woman. No one can deny that, not even most straight guys, which I tend to date a lot of.

K.C.

For over 30 years it was chicks like you that I would avoid like the plague because you would get that kind of idea if i talked to you. Conversely I would get straight chicks mad at me because i would not check them out and flirt with them. I had one (from a group we both went to) actually walk up to me and ask me what was wrong with her. I was shocked and said what? She said you don't check me out or talk to me or flirt with me. Am I ugly, is it the hair, am I fat? I was you're straight why would I hit on you?

Men talk to women with the idea of flirting with them. You are entering a different world and women talk to women all the time without any sexual motive in mind this includes lesbians. Yes there are some who hit on others but they are pretty straightforward about it and don't beat around the bush. Lesbians as a whole are generally a more shy lot then gay men or straight men. They get braver after a few drinks but they are not as bold as a rule as men. Like it or not there are differences between men and women and as a former lesbian who has observed the community for years i can see the differences. So get it out of your head that any woman who talks to you is wanting to get you to bed.

[bexxyab]

I just think it is down to that same vainness you get from a lot of young women these days, I am 18 and compare the women of my age to 5 years ago they are so much more full of themselves and have a god complex like there Aphrodite or something. I watch a lot of younger women on youtube and they give the older trans women such bad rep like there all jealous, old hags but after talking to older trans women I realized it is not the older women but the younger women to blame with their vainness and skin-deep look at things, I know this makes me sound like a bit of a hater but from what I have seen it is true.

[Amoré]

Hi,
I have been struggling with this for ages and I just feel so lost. I am a trans woman but I am not very girly, I like motorbikes, wearing jeans and t-shirts, drinking beer, I am not very feminine at all. However, I feel like I can't be a trans women and dress the way I dress or have the full sleeve tattoos I want, I feel like an imposter, like I am not girly enough and it is really messing with me as all other trans women I have seen are really girly and like girly things, I feel like if I am not like that I can't be trans, has anyone got any experience with feeling like this and if so how did you cope and deal with it?

What do you identify as? a woman that makes you a woman. Simple as that. Bikes is not a gender thing but an adrenaline thing. Drinking beer is not a gender thing but a taste thing you just like beer. Wearing t shirts and jeans is not a gender thing but a style thing and that is your style. I saw a couple of woman with full sleeve tattoos that look so feminine it is gorgeous. Don't let this things get into your head and make you feel any less authentic.

[bexxyab]

Thank you, comments like yours have helped me accept myself for who I am no matter what I like or what I dress like, I have realized that I need to do things and wear things because I like them not because society says I should like them.

[Chris8080]

Thank you, comments like yours have helped me accept myself for who I am no matter what I like or what I dress like, I have realized that I need to do things and wear things because I like them not because society says I should like them.

Bingo  I couldn't agree more.

[sybyr]

if you were born male and identify as female or vice versa, you are trans, simple as that.
anyone who discriminates against you for living your life in a way that makes you happy whilst harming no one, has issues and isn't worth wasting your time on.

I transitioned five years ago when I was 15 and pass really well (imo lol) and am super feminine in the way I dress and act, but I still love video games and firearms and anything that goes fast, and the guys (and girls) ive been with since then love that fact.

you could be the hairiest, manliest dude on the planet but if you spend the time and effort transitioning you are just as female as me or anyone else here, your interests and personal style be damned.

[ScarletRed]

You're over thinking it hun. There all sorts of girls out there with different interests if you think you're alone just just take a ride to scourges forgive me if I'm not spelling that correctly I myself am not a biker but I know people who are and you will fit right in.


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[bexxyab]

Thank you, I have realized due to comments like yours that I just have to be me and DNGAF about what others think and just rock whatever I wear or do.