What the heck.
So these decisions aren't something I HAVE to make RIGHT now, right?
So why do I feel like I NEED to make them very soon? Its just this internal thing that feels like I have to do it right now- decide what I want to do about this.
And cue the internal struggle:
Well, I have to do what's going to make me happy and feel comfortable and confident.
But, IF I make these changes and delve into this side of me, I can't enter a temple. I can't have a temple marriage, ever, to a woman or a man. I can't ever be sealed to my family. These are important things to someone who grew up Mormon, and who wants to try to stick with the faith even through these changes- mostly because no other church has the Book of Mormon, and I believe it with my heart and soul.
But then I become like this pariah in the church, virtually lose my church membership, and I've even been told I can't go to certain meetings (relief society/ priesthood for anyone who knows what it is and is curious) because I won't "fit" the description of who can attend either meeting.
And if I give into this and just sit quietly and continue repressing all this, I get to keep all those things, yet I lose the ability to be happy in who I am. I'm not sure that would be entirely healthy AT ALL for my already unstable sense of self worth/ self image.
And I feel like I can't talk to the army therapist about it because I just don't know what to say to them. "Hey, so I think that this might be an issue for me, so amongst the PTSD, depression, low self-esteem, and social incompetence you get to help me with, let me just throw that on the plate too."
Yes, I know that's what they're THERE for, but I hate feeling like I'm burdening someone. Even the fact that I have to go to someone for help because I have a few nightmares every night makes me feel like I'm trying to off-load my problems.
Is this a pride issue? Or some kind of "well I just don't want to inconvenience you" type issue? I don't even know if I hate it because I feel like I should be able to deal with it on my own or because I feel like they shouldn't have to deal with it with me. And there's another thing they get to deal with- I have a complete inability to describe my feelings. I just can't figure out WHAT I'm feeling most the time, so how the heck am I supposed to TALK about it.
I feel rushed to figure all of these things out, like I need to have them solved right meow. It's not because anyone is rushing me, in fact nobody is. It's just because I have this sense of urgency about it, like if I don't, my whole world is going to crash and break into a million pieces that spontaneously combust into mini supernovas.
LOGICALLY I know that's not going to happen, but I can't get rid of this feeling that I need to sort things out and make my decision and just get on with it, either way. I'm not ready to lose the things I valued growing up, but I'm not ready to lose myself, either. Maybe the fact that I know this is going to be one that hurts either way is why I feel like I just need to get it over with.
It probably doesn't help that they're taking me off my happy medication this week so my emotions are just all kinds of crazy all over the place.
This wasn't supposed to be a rant, but once I got going I figured what the hey, might as well.
