Coming out at work.

[ProbablyOliver]

Hey y'all!

So it's been awhile since I posted on here but things have been going really well. I'm out to almost everyone in my immediate personal life with the exception of my parents - one of whom I plan on talking to soon - and the response has been overwhelmingly positive, which is lovely. I'm also in therapy and have an appointment to start HRT in a few months, which is super exciting! Of course, now that everything is in motion I have to start making some of the more delicate steps, like coming out at work, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how to do so?

I work in a large company and my plan as of right now is to approach HR first, and then the manager of my department. I don't feel the need to make an official announcement and I would prefer everyone not have to sit through any kind of "sensitivity training" or whatnot because I'd prefer not to make a spectacle. Frankly, if there was any way to do it stealth, I would, but that is very much not an option. My department is only made up of about 20 or so people, and while personally I would be fine just mentioning it to HR and my manager so that they could disseminate the information to the rest of the staff, I'm not sure that's the best solution.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Many thanks!

- Definitely Oliver

[Rachel]

Hello Oliver, Congratulation on coming out.

I told my Operations Manager (a subordinate and friend and I knew would be super supportive) then HR. Next I told my boss who is an EVP. When discussing my coming out I had HR there with me each time when discussing it with my Boss. He had a really difficult time with it and delayed my coming out at work for 6 to 8 months.

My Boss feared there would be an employee nightmare and mass firings. I had no issues what so ever and had only support and friendship from the department and everyone I come into contact with at work. 

[AlyssaJ]

Well I can't speak from experience but I am in the process of doing the same thing, coming out at work.  I think in your case, in a large organization, talking to HR first is a good plan.  Assuming your company has a solid anti-discrimination policy, they'll be your allies throughout the process.  You might even find out this isn't the first time they've dealt with this or maybe that they even have an official transition policy.

I agree with you too about not making a huge announcement to the whole company.  The process I've seen others use that I'm using as well is coming out in two stages.  First, to HR and immediate management well in advance of transitioning at work.  Then in preparation for the day you begin presenting as your proper gender, an announcement just to your immediate team since they'll have to interact with you and should be aware in advance of what's going on.  You might also want to give a heads up to anyone in other departments that you interact with on a regular basis.   For the second notification, I would say do it as close to the day that you switch presentation at work as possible.  I know some who made the change on a Monday, sent out an email over the preceding weekend, then came in a little later than normal on Monday to allow everyone a little time to read and digest but not enough time for rumors to start flying.

A couple suggestions for you. First, take a look at the Guide to Coming Out in the Workplace which is here on Susan's Place.  It's a little dated in some places but overall gives you a really good roadmap to follow.  Second, make sure you've planned for the worst case scenario.  Remember, even though federal laws and maybe your state laws prohibit discrimination against transgender people, all you can do is sue to get your job back. If your company has a problem with you working there after you come out, do you really want to keep working there?  Have a backup plan, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  Third, be prepared to be flexible and negotiate your transition date. You should propose a date that you think is realistic and takes into account logistics for both you and the company.  However, your management may counter your proposal so be prepared to discuss and negotiate.

I hope you find that helpful.  Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.  I'm hoping to be coming out in the next couple weeks to my immediate management and HR so also feel free to PM me if you want to know specifics of how that goes (although I'm sure I'll probably post the results somewhere on the forum as well).

[Denise]

Alyssa has some good advice.

In my case I work in a company with over 15,000 people internationally.  I knew the company had/has a strong non-discrimination policy and EVERYONE knows it.

The first part here is too late for you, but 14 months before coming out at work I told my boss "I'm having some medical issues and there may be days I just will not 'be here mentally' or I may just work from home."  Her response was what I expected, concern and "take whatever time you need."

I told her and HR withing a day of each other.  HR's response "what can we do to help?"  "Nothing right now."  My boss was concerned for me and I told her "thank you, Just wanted to tell you."

A month later we had a team meeting (6 people total) and we told everyone.  (surprising... no one cared and no one "spilled the beans").

I told HR to tell the Senior VPs on Feb 21 and that March 3rd would be my first day as Denise.  On March 22 I had a bunch of "wow", "Congratulations", "welcome to the club", "good luck" and all started with "Denise - ...".

Basically it was a non-event.

The trick, for me, Plan for the worst, hope for the best and reality will be in the middle.  But I really got "best case".

Good luck.

Oh one thing to look up is the HRC Corporate Equity Index to see if your company ranks high on the list.  If they do, that means they try to be friendly.  The higher on the list, the better your coming out will be since they won't risk losing their ranking because you sue/complain/go-public...

Good luck

[Mikka55]

I came out to my management team on Friday, I told them that I was transitioning and that I wanted to speak with HR.  I told the management team that I am in the process of getting my name changed approved, so I might as well just tell you now.  They said they will be supportive, and if there is anything they can do just ask.  That is as far as I got, once I start seeing my gender therapist on Monday to see if I can get a "Carry Letter" then I will speak with HR.  Because I work in a company of hundreds of people, I feel that is the best approach for me, and see if the company has rules a guidelines.

[Dayta]

Hi Oliver,

I spoke to a friend in our HR Department about 2 months ago, and let her know that I had completed my name and gender changes on all of my government documents and that I wanted to complete my transition into the workplace soon thereafter.  I suggested to her that there was some urgency, as my identity documents no longer matched my personnel records and were not consistent with my male presentation in the workplace.  She took a day to confer and called me back, suggesting a rough timeline that would have put my 1st day on about April 1, so we decided to push out just a little, working around a few planned absences among my managers. 

I asked if it would be useful for me to prepare a letter that could be used to inform our team about what I was doing and why, and she thought it would be good to do so.  So I penned a one page letter, not specific but very honest, which she read to my program manager and my direct manager, saying that it went very well.  Neither spoke to me about it afterwards, though, until just before my reentry. 

As "D-Day" approached,  she suggested that during the week before my "coming out" day." she would call a meeting of our department (~40 people) and some of the folks in other areas that I interface with, along with other area managers who worked for my boss.  I was planning to leave early that day, so that I wouldn't be around after that meeting, just to avoid any disruption or controversy. 

That meeting was last Wednesday (5/3), and I was packing up to leave shortly after they gathered everyone for the team meeting.  After about 12 minutes, everyone filed back down to their offices, and I scurried out the door, wondering how badly it must have gone in there.  I talked to her on the phone that evening, and she assured me it went very well, and that she read my letter to them as well.  I took off Thursday and Friday (my normal day off), planning to reenter the workplace, finally authentically on this past Monday (5/8). 

I went in on Monday, wearing a wig, a bra and a cute tunic top, with just a little bit of makeup, and lo and behold, everything went completely smoothly.  No one raised an eyebrow, and we just went about business just like we do every week.  I got a couple of brief encouraging emails from some of my peers, managers in other areas, and otherwise it was perfect.  There were maybe 2-3 mentions of my old name or "he/him," but they were obviously just unintentional slips, and I don't think anybody slipped more than once over the whole week. 

Other than occasional check-ins with my HR friend and a brief word with my boss on the way out on Friday, it was exactly a regular week, which let me settle back in without any great anxiety or fear.  It was almost unreal in retrospect, but at the time it was just business as usual, so I was relaxed and completely grateful.  All of my company records were brought up to date, most by Monday when I came back, so I have only a couple of things that still need to be addressed.  I've been unbelievably fortunate, and hope your experience is much the same. 

Erin

[ProbablyOliver]

Thank you all for the excellent advice!

I won't lie - it's kind of making me more nervous, to be totally honest. I would prefer not to have to come out at all. If I could cocoon away and then go into a job stealth that would be my absolute dream. I'm not sure what our equality policy is but I'll definitely check into it.

Thanks again for the feedback!