Moments of confusion/feeling overwhelmed during transition. Need you all.

[itschristina]

Hello everyone, I'm a trans girl, 22 and started HRT 3 weeks ago.

I can't tell how long I've waited for this, and evaluated every part of it. I am extremely happy whenever I notice a change, be it in my face, my breast area, fat redistribution and stuff. Basically I am so happy every time I feel I look more feminine. I know I've always been a girl. I remember being a teenager, locking the door of the toilet and using my mother's makeup and clothing, look at myself and feel happy for a few minutes, before taking it all off. Growing up I took every change to dress up, to feel like a woman even if just for a night. When I was super little I hated being associated with boys, getting changed in the same locker room almost made me cry so I got changed in the toilet by myself. I've always felt a huge desire to get pregnant and even have periods. Basically, I've always been a girl. I just didn't know how to explain it. Even when I thought I was gay, being gay didn't feel right. I didn't want to be a man that dated other men. I didn't like gay men, I didn't want to be liked by gay men. I've always hated when men touched my penis. However at some point I was so under pressure that I tried to make myself more masculine, just to be more "likeable" and avoid bullying as much as I could. At night, I was so tired because acting like a male was extremely tough for me, it was physically exhausting.
So now here I am, finally transitioning, finally noticing changes but in the past couple of days I felt so overwhelmed. People questioned my choice, making me do the same. And sometimes I feel like a ->-bleeped-<-, like an ambiguous being. I thought about how it would be "going back" and sometimes I feel it would almost be easier, but I know that deep down I wouldn't feel happy. In a couple of months max I would feel the need to feel like a girl, be a girl. It's always been like that. I've always had moments where I stopped and felt so sad that I wasn't a girl and kinda sucked it up for a while, before feeling like ->-bleeped-<- again. I almost threw up yesterday, thinking about all of this stuff. I got so confused and dizzy, and just thinking about going back made me sick. What made me even more sick was the fact that I even thought for a second about going back. Which made me so confused.
Last week I was out of hormones, and I needed to buy them ASAP because I didn't want to skip a single day. When I went to the pharmacy, initially the pharmacist couldn't find the pills and I almost felt sick thinking about skipping one day of hormones, I was about to cry. Then she found them and I was happy again. All of these things tell me that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I DO NOT want to stop hormones, but I can't help but wonder why I've been feeling this way in the past couple of days. Maybe it's and effect of dysphoria, maybe it's the hormones that are ->-bleeped-<-ing up with my mood, maybe it's just the thought of having to go through so much. Yesterday I went bra and swimsuit shopping with my BFF (cis-girl) and I was so excited! Never been more excited. I started feeling down after that. I don't know if it's because being in that environment was a constant reminder of the fact that I have basically no breasts and a penis. I don't know if it's dysphoria that hit me hard. But I almost hate myself for even thinking about those things. I waited for this for so long and I know I am a girl, I know I've never been comfortable with my sex. But why am I feeling like this?

Sorry if it's so long, I just need someone to say it's all ok and normal. I hope someone else has experienced similar feelings early in transition.

Kisses, Daisy

[KathyLauren]

It's all OK and normal. 

It really is.  All of us have gone through, or will go through, the same feelings.  The road ahead, which from a distance looked smooth, turns out to have a few potholes.  It is longer than we had hoped and a bit rougher.  At times, the only thing keeping us going forward is the horror of going back.

As someone once posted on this forum, being trans is hard, but nor nearly as hard as pretending not to be.

Hang in there.  You know that this is the right path for you.  It will get better.

[Asche]

Agreed, feeling confused and overwhelmed seems to be normal, at least for a lot of us.

For me, at least, it started about a year ago, after I'd been on HRT for about 6 months.  Feeling hopeless, feeling overwhelmed, I was hit by an emotional hurricane.  I won't gross you out with the details.  I had to change my antidepressant to one that was a better anti-anxiety med, just so I could sleep through the night.  Waking up crying.  Endlessly going through all the "reasons" why I was trans, even though in my heart of hearts I knew beyond doubt that I was.  Feeling like I'd never be anything but a man in a dress.  We all know the list.  I found a couple of people who were willing to lend me their shoulders to cry on and used them frequently (probably too frequently) for reassurance.

I'm still going through it, I don't know if it's gotten better or if I'm just more used to it.  I still wonder many days how I'll get through the day.

But the weird part is, I do make it.  I've made it through every single day.  I've gotten the essentials done (if sometimes a bit late.)  I've gotten every external step of my transition done without a hitch.  (Well, I still have to lose 50-70 lbs to qualify for SRS.  A new excuse for panic....)  It just hurts a lot while you're going through it.

Now, I may be having it harder than most, what with coping with C-PTSD at the same time and what with having spent 60+ years in the prison of pretending-to-be-male.  But I gather it's rough for everyone, and we just have to hang in there.  Already my life as a woman is beginning to feel a little more like it's normal.  Like it's just my life, except I feel more alive.  People tell me I'm more open, more approachable, more of a joy and even an inspiration to be around.  (I have to take their word for it.)

There will come days (or maybe hours) of pure joy.  And the certainty at the core of your being that this was the right way to go.

[SailorMars1994]

Its that evil doubt monster... For what itsworth the vomitting happened to me.Happened whenever I tried to be a ''man''