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So Much Pressure

Started by Pao, May 07, 2017, 04:24:34 PM

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Pao

I feel like there is so much pressure on me right now. I know it is all self inflicted. I want everything that is going on. I just had no idea it would feel this way.

For those that haven't seen my other posts...
I am trying to buy a house, because I am currently living in one of my dad's rentals.
I am supposed to start T in 11 days.
I am working full time.
My husband is working and trying to find a new job.
I took in a good friend and his family about 6 months ago. They are inching their way to stability, but I feel responsible and want to make sure they are in a good place when I move.
I am also still processing some grief over not being able to have a genetic child without IVF.
Lastly I am trying to wait on coming out until I know the house is settled. (In case my folks don't take it well and I suddenly don't have a place to live)

Talking to people is the only thing that has made it any better, but the feeling only goes away for a very short time. I feel like my anxiety is through the roof. I have a therapist that I see once a week. I am on bi-polar meds. I'm doing okay except for this constant overwhelmed feeling.

I think sometimes that putting hormones off for a little bit is a good move, but then I immediately sink into a depression.

Sometimes I think I should go ahead and come out to my folks, but the life altering consequences could be disastrous.

I have a great spouse, but he is an introvert and is only able to help so much. He doesn't really get my need to talk, and hear others input.

I am also worrying to death about worrying so much. I mean how can something I wanted for so long be causing me so much worry.


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Kylo

T seems to help a lot of people with their generalized anxiety. It's my opinion that a male-type brain does not enjoy or cope well being filled with female hormones, and T replaces them. I would not put off T if I were you. It might help you a lot mentally coping with pressure.

I am not exactly living stress free but since T I barely worry about anything and don't feel depressed or anxious at all.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
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Pao

Thanks for the reply. That makes me feel better.
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Alexthecat

You would have to check with your local laws but even if you dad takes it bad he would need to formally evict you and I think that is 30 days notice at least.

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FTMax

I agree with Kylo's assessment. I was much more anxious and a big time worrier pre-T. The only time I've felt genuine anxiety since starting to transition was the day before bottom surgery.

Alex is also correct about eviction laws. It's a very lengthy process to evict someone, even if they don't have any kind of formal rental agreement. At a minimum, it takes 30 days. Where I am, it takes that long generally just to get the process started. So you'd have at least a month to get things figured out. You wouldn't be homeless overnight.

What I found helpful in the early stages was to make a list of concrete things that I could do toward my goals and find a way to work on them each day, even if it was as little as talking to other trans guys or doing research on my own. It doesn't have to be big things. Every journey is made up of thousands of single steps.
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
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Pao

My two biggest fears right now are both coming out related.

1. Coming out to my folks. I don't think it will be the end of the world. They have had a long time to deal with my first coming out as Pansexual (well bi way back when I was 14 and evolving into Pan)

2. Coming out to my coworkers. I'm a groundskeeper. My boss already knows. He just nodded. I am fairly certain he is a Bear anyway. I am not worried about him or the security of my job. Gender Expression and identity is a protected class at my work. The biggest fear I have is that they blue collar guys I work with are going to make life hell. I LOVE my job, and the best part about it is how low stress it is. I've already heard these guys talking about ->-bleeped-<-s. And that Bathroom bull->-bleeped-<-.

I have tried to educate a few. Maybe they have heard a little.
Most everyone knows that I am Pan at work 'cause I made it a point not to be "quiet" about it.
No one has said anything bad. But being a "chick" that digs chicks is a lot different than being one of those "->-bleeped-<-s"

Have any of you dealt with a workplace like this? I ride around alone in trucks with these guys. We handle heavy machinery, blades and power tools daily.

I mean these aren't the sorta guys that you sit down and have a meeting with or send an email to. Do I just gradually grow a beard and see what happens?
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Kylo

Most of us have considered the work problem as well. At the end of the day it's always a risk that people will make life hell and a job will go downhill because of it. I don't want to sugarcoat anything or be overly optimistic if the people there are as you suspect, but they may surprise you because if they don't dislike you as a person now, they've had a chance to meet an actual transsexual without even knowing it, and that will dawn when you tell them. Or maybe not, who can say. They will either have to learn to get along with you, or be childish, and if things are very bad you have the option to leave and try another job at least. Not what you'd like but, if it gets intolerable. 

I don't have this problem at the moment as self employed but if I did I would simply continue without mentioning it if there's little chance it would be accepted and see how it goes. Or I might just leave, I don't know. I've left jobs before for less to start fresh somewhere else. I used to work in a bar but the only people I had any real rapport with there were the cleaning staff who happened to be from Eastern Europe. Those guys I got along with but I suspect they'd find the idea of transitioning bizarre and undesirable as they had an oldschool mindset about roles. But who knows. I never confronted them with the topic when I was there, I ought to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Once on T you know it's a matter of time before the voice breaks and the facial hair comes in. People haven't said much about it at all in my case. I had more comments about my voice during the first 2 weeks of T when I sounded like I had a cold, and when it passed through that stage and got deeper people didn't seem to notice or care as much as when it sounded "sore". Facial hair, though... well you can shave it for a while and stave it off a bit during the early stages. It can take some time to come in. You might have plenty of time to talk to coworkers about it if you are inclined, without there being an 'instant reveal'.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
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green27

I work in a shop with a bunch of your typical manly guy types. I recently got outed to a lot of them by accident and they think it's interesting/cool and I've been getting a lot of "man tips" (lol) from them. But it helps that they knew me as male for a while before they found out. honestly, I've never received any hate from guys. The only people who have ever been unkind to me are women.

If you are respected at work now then you should have no problem. Especially with a physical job where taking T will only make you better at it :)

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