Can you help me out with a couple of problems?

[newgirl5]

I am a 30 year old man who has been suffering from gender dysphoria my entire life. It has been a non stop torment for 30 years. I have spent several years trying to figure out a way to get rid of my ->-bleeped-<- but after years of research and then finally seeing a gender therapist, I am finally resigning myself to the fact that I will always be stuck like this. So after multiple sessions with my therapist, I have come to realize that I have to transition. If I can't get rid of these feelings, then that is the only option. I will never be happy being a guy. I just won't. So I have been trying to take the first steps in transitioning. The problem is, Any time I do something remotely feminine or non masculine I get really ashamed and embarrassed. For example, I have been trying to do barre exercises and work on walking like a woman. But every time I begin doing them I get so overwhelmed I usually stop. I can't help but feel like "such a ->-bleeped-<-" (pardon my language) every time I try and be a little feminine. I have always been a really masculine guy. Always went around acting like an alpha dog. I played sports, dated girls, worked on cars, etc. Just about the only thing I didn't do was join the military and that was only because my parents wouldn't allow it after one of my cousins was severely disabled after a deployment. I am even ashamed to admit that was kind of a bully back in high school. I would pick on kids who were different. I was that stereotypical jock . Even after high school when I would mentor young guys, I always harped on "be a man" and "man up" and things like that. Now I know after working with my counselor that that was all a facade to protect myself from people finding out about the real me, but I don't know how to move on from that. I don't know how to let go of the man I'll never be to become the woman that I'm supposed to be.

Another problem I have is that I grew up in an area that is very conservative Christian. Church has always been and continues to be a big part of my life. I teach a sunday school class and whenever the youth pastor is out I will fill in for him. I am a councilor at summer camps and I even have a group outside of that for young men that I mentor and help guide them into adulthood. My fears are this. I obviously fear me being rejected and shunned by the community. That's a given. But I also fear what would happen if I am accepted as a woman by the community. As I said earlier, I live in a conservative Christian area. One of the big things taught here is "The divine subordination of women". As I'm sure you can guess, this is the belief that women are supposed to be submissive and yield to men. Women are not to lead but are supposed to be led. My fear is what happens if I am accepted as a woman. Will I be expected to now fall under this "divine subordination"? I love teaching and mentoring youth. I am afraid that I will no longer be able to teach my guys because of either " I don't want you around my children" or I won't be able to teach because "that's not a proper role for a woman such as yourself" And if that happens should I fight it? I obviously think that whole belief system is archaic but should I stir the pot even more? If they are already accepting me as a woman, shouldn't I just be happy for that and go along with their culture? I don't want them to accept me and then I push too much and end up being shunned anyway. So maybe it would be best to leave it to another pioneer for another time to tackle that issue. Or maybe I just shouldn't transition at all and just ride out the rest of my life as a tortured soul. That would definitely be the easiest option. So what do you think about all this? Can you help me with either of my problems?

[Erika_Courtney]

I am a big supporter of religion, but I am talking about religions that understand it is 2017 and in a country that the popular vote selected a woman to become president. I know a lot of conservative Christian, they don't go to churches like you described.

Number one find a church that has it's calendar turned to 2017.

Number two being woman is not easy, my number one reason for hanging onto this guy thing for as long as I can is that it is super hard to be a woman. You have skin care, hair car, face care and more. Seriously I bet all your church buddies who look down on woman as the weaker sex, would not last a week as a woman. We never did talk about child birth.

Number three your going to look stupid at first, women don't wake up one morning perfect, it takes years of practice. Walking also involves more then moving your legs, women's bodies are designed difference, you body shape will change some on hormones, fat redistribution, it will change your center of gravity and help change your walk. You will still need tons of practice. There are some many thing you need to work on, and I could be wrong, but walking is toward the bottom.

Number four this is a super long journey. Only you can accept yourself as a woman. Go to a gender therapist, they can help you. Have started researching hormones, if the answer is no, then get started now.

[Michelle_P]

newgirl5, eelcome to the site.

I don't have much experience with the divine subordination believers or conservative churches, being a Unitarian Universalist.  I would suggest that you start out by seeing a therapist not associated with a church, preferably a gender therapist, to help you resolve your gender identity questions and how to best resolve them.

If you have questions on hormone replacement therapy, you will get the best response to your questions by asking them over in our Hormone Replacement Therapy forum for our transitioning members.

I hope you feel welcome here.

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[EmmaLoo]

Errr..."such a ->-bleeped-<-" really?

Let's start with -- What's wrong with being a ->-bleeped-<-?









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[Denise]

New girl,

Everyone's journey is different but the same and you will get great advice and ideas from Susan's.  Unfortunately, you are the one to make the trip.

You have indicated a few separate challenges you are currently facing.

Transition takes time. Most of the changes, which surprised me, are mental.  You need to re-learn everything.  The male bravado is probably one of the first things to work on.  When you walk into a room of people, smile and say hi.  Then shut up.  Let others be the alpha-male.  It's very freeing.  Just observe others, be happy in your new found freedom.  Being alpha is a heck of a lot of work. One more thing, knock back on the quantity of beer.  Instead of having 4 or 5 at a party have 1 or 2.  Or stop all alcohol and go with water.  If anyone asks tell them you are on a long-term medication that reacts poorly with it.

Female movements are subtle not extreme.  The "walk" you are trying is not the norm.  Go to the grocery store, big-box store, etc and watch how woman walk.  There is not much difference.  Also notice they are wearing sneakers/flats/sandals and not heals.  Heals is what makes that walk pronounced.

About the church, I liked the option of switching to a more progressive church but if that is too much then I suggest that you speak with someone in charge there and come out to them.    Make sure you can trust them explicitly.  Tell them about your struggles and what's on your mind.  They will say "I'll pray for you... Etc" accept it and pray with them. If you are a respected member this may be the start of a change in the church to be more accepting.  It could be a perfect teaching opportunity for your whole community at large.

Unfortunately it could go there other way.  That would be your cue to leave.

One thing I can suggest is you start of with you have been diagnosed Gender Dysphoria.  Then when you get blank looks, tell them that is the clinical diagnosis for people who are transgender.  Make it clear it's not a choice.  It's either make changes in your life or end life completely.

If they don't understand or refuse to learn then really consider if you want to be associated with that group.

- Denise

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[Charlie Nicki]

One of the things I've learnt in my therapy is to take one step at a time. Small steps will lead you to big changes. So at the moment you shouldn't be worrying about your role as a female in the church, camp, etc., it will only overwhelm you and there's nothing you can do about it since it's nothing but a product of your imagination at the moment. Just fight your fights when you have to, right now the thing you have to worry about is what's your next step, are you going to start telling people? do you want to take hormones? etc...