Howdy folks. I"m often known as Row, or Runi, though depending on who is talking, I also respond to Bob or Eamon. This may or may not be a long introduction, and may or may not make a whole lot of sense, as I'm not very good at talking to myself or expressing myself period.
HOLD ON! Talking ABOUT myself... not 'to myself.' whoops. I'm actually quite good at talking to myself, sometimes to the point its embarrassing.
ANYWAY. Hi. I'm currently residing in the lovely Salt Lake Valley, Utah (HA! I hate Utah. No offense to anyone who lives here and does like it. THough I will admit at least the mountains are beautiful) though if you ask where I'm from, I'll probably either say, 'Do you want where I hail from, or where I live,' or I'll tell you, 'Idaho, born and bred.' Which technically isn't ENTIRELY true. I also lived in the DC area for eight years before moving here.
I am 27 years old... well I may as well say 28, since my birthday is in just a few days. I am by birth female, multiracial (though entirely uncertain exactly what and what... the state of Idaho says there might be more than what's on my birth certificate). I for the first 8 years of my life spent in foster care, in and out of group homes and foster homes, and even some times back with my Bio mom, who really wasn't a great caretaker. But I am grateful to this day that she had not only the strength to give birth to me and my half sister, but also to give us up. That is not an easy thing to do. Anyway, not saying this for pity or anything, just to give an idea on where I come from.
Growing up in such situations led to a lot of mistreatment in various forms, but most prominent was being told what I could and couldn't do because of the way I grew up and how I looked, and that I was inferior. However, I'm that kind of person who if I'm told no I can't do something, I'll go out and prove them wrong. YET I always had image issues, self-esteem issues. Beyond the issues that came from being racially different, and socially different, there always was one other issue that bothered me.
My last foster family and my adoptive family were both Mormon families, and after going through a number of different families with varying Christian faiths, I felt that the Mormon religion was the perfect fit for me. And at first that was okay, because no one ever talked about gender identity to me. I didn't understand as a kid the position the church I was a part of held on it. And I didn't even realize that my gender identity wasn't a 'traditional' binary type. (I did always however support the LGBT community, and equal rights, despite my mother's outbursts that to do so was wrong.)
I grew up female, though later I've come to understand that maybe I didn't really even then. To elaborate, when I was about 5 or 6, I had a really short haircut that looked 'boyish' to me. Ever since, knowing that I looked like a little boy with that hair cut, I've always had a fear of cutting my hair. After all, I was a girl, right? But then personality wise, I was always rather boyish. I hated, and still do, skirts and dresses. My mom always battled me to buy dresses and makeup. She wanted a little princess. I was not. If I got mad, I was boyish in that, I would rather punch whoever I was mad at and then call it good. (And I often did) I was physically stronger than most of the females I knew. Simple things like that. I was simple.
But I had all the girl parts (though until I had kids, a very difficult feat for me, my chest was tiny). And yet, my frame seemed rather masculine. I could VERY easily pass for a guy. I still can, well, minus the chest bit. Fast forward a few years till after I got married. Another thing happened to make me feel masculine. Hair growth in places female shouldn't really have it. AND missing a certainly element of femininity every month, and yet not pregnant. It took five years of doctor hopping and one kid later to FINALLY figure out what was going on with my body.
I have PCOS. I'm a VERY classic case. Testosterone that's way too high, the uncontrollable weight gain, pearl necklaces (as my RE referred to it)in my ovaries, missing my 'monthlies'. So for a while, I was satisfied with that answer as to why I'm the way I am. But in recent times, even that doesn't help explain how I feel, or the realization that I recently came to grips with, that I felt boyish even before puberty.
ANYWAY, so I've been doing a lot of research the past few months, and I'm realizing maybe its time to see a therapist that relates to these issues. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what my identity is still, and come to grips with how my religion also views such things. So that's pretty much my story and why I'm here. Many of my searches have led me back to this site, so I figure I might as well join.
