Hi Vicki,
In my case, I was so miserable and so tired of spending a lifetime dreaming about being female that the fear of transition eventually became less of an obstacle. I guess one could liken it to sitting in a dentist's office, waiting to get a root canal done. You know it has to get done, but you dread what's coming.
That said, I was convinced I could never find the courage to transition. I had crossdressed for years, on and off, always loving the illusion, then always hating myself for engaging in that sort of thing. Dressing gave me temporary pleasure, but it didn't fix anything. If anything, it made things worse. I was so ashamed of who I was. So for years, it went on like that. I always vowed, "I can beat this thing." If I were just strong enough I could will it away. I knew I wasn't a ->-bleeped-<-, but I didn't accept that I was transsexual, because to me that seemed like just a different kind of screwed up.
All the self-loathing made me an unhappy, closed-off person. I drank a lot. My marriage fell apart, and eventually we separated. After a few months of living alone, I met this gorgeous lady and we started dating. Eventually we ended up in bed together. There she was, smoking hot bod, wet and ready - and I couldn't perform. I just luxuriated in the image of her beautiful pussy and her wonderful curves, and I wanted that so much. I did not want to be a man. I just couldn't do it anymore. That was the moment of truth for me, when I finally started to accept I was probably transgender.
What I ended up doing is, first of all, going to see a gender therapist to get objective, professional guidance on what exactly my problem was and what I should do about it. Yes, I was transgender, I decided, but I still didn't know what to do about it. So, I took some very small steps. I let my hair grow. I started laser/electrolysis on my face. I got my ears pierced. At each step, I knew I could stop everything if it got too much, and just go back to being a guy, knowing I gave it my best shot and transition was just something I could not do.
After a few months of therapy, I finally decided to see an endocrinologist and "try" HRT. That was it. Within a week or so of starting on estradiol, I knew what I wanted. There was no going back. Not transitioning was no longer an option. My thinking changed from "How could I possibly do this?" to "I have to find a way to do this."
Transition is very scary, very expensive, and can be very painful, both physically and emotionally. Full transition is not for everybody. It doesn't guarantee happiness. It won't solve all your problems, only one big one. How I managed to get this far I still can't fathom. I don't know how I found the strength and the courage. Some of my trans friends have told me it is not a question of courage, it's just desperation - a lack of options. I suppose that's true, but you still have to find a way to do it.
Finding your way I guess is what it's all about. Whether that is simply knowing you are transgender, and being okay living as a male, keeping your career and marriage safe, to full transition, or somewhere in between.
I wish you well, my friend.
Blessings to you,
Terri
