My First of MANY Steps

[Erika_Courtney]

You can put it that way, or you can say that you _and_ your wife invest your precious lifetime on a relationship that you know would eventually fall apart. Wouldn't she better off by finding herself a partner while she's relatively young?

You don't have to explain your comment more in your next post, because you are 100% right in this post. I have thought of leaving her so that she can find someone better to build her life with, I am just selfish, I want to build a life with her. I tell myself what if 10 years from now I am still a guy, that could have been 10 years more with her. I do have a line in the sand, that if things get to X point, I am leaving her so at least she can have a future, just not to that point yet.

[Erika_Courtney]

Sorry, this is long... I don't have time to edit it down... had two choices, erase-and-skip or post... choosing the latter...

I always enjoy your post

I'm wondering if you are very judgemental of yourself. In the above you are saying "things were going good" and "head was clearing up" and "then..." where the "then" implies something not good (bad?)... that "not good" thing being the thought of being a feminine being.

I am stuck in the society thinking of living the way you are born. I know that if I wanted to live as a woman there is really nothing wrong with it and I should be proud of my choice.

Next time you experience a puzzling fluctuation, you might consider sitting down and taking a deep breath, exhaling... let the robotic judgements such as "good" and "bad" float away... just try to relax and ask yourself... is being a woman truly a setback? Is that a "bad" thing? You talk about it above as if it is... but is it? If so, why?

It I woke up tomorrow morning and was a woman it would not be a bad thing. I would be beyond happy to wake up and see a woman in the mirror. My wife would not feel the same way and neither would a lot of other people, and I am letting those people rule my life.

I'm sort of with what others have said... I'd caution against deceiving anyone unless you feel they are abusive and you must be secretive just to move toward health but I don't sense that here. If you lie to someone who expects your trust, that (to me) creates unhealthy karma (it's not good for the soul/mind). Are you saying you know your relationship is over already now? If so, does your wife know you feel that way? If not, can you talk about that with her? Are you certain it's over? Regardless of any answers here, try to find a therapist you can discuss things with personally and perhaps with your wife.

My wife has said that she can never love another woman. She understands that if I need to be a woman to be happy then I deserve to be happy.  Every time I mention the word transgender or exploring being a woman she cries. I then cave and promise to always be her man. I am not in denial, I know for 100% fact I am transgender. From where I started in April until seems like a million miles away. I thought for sure this was just some OCD thing and soon this would a be distance memory. I just can't let go of my family, I don't want to destroy it. I love my wife so much, I would do anything for her. I can't stand to break her heart. If it is her happiness or mind, I want her to be happy.

Thank you so much Ashley.

[aaajjj55]

Marriages are fragile.  The best definition of love that I ever saw was 'when you care about someone else more than you care about yourself.  As time goes on and the initial passion fades, it's very easy to take each other for granted and become distracted by other issues.  We've also got the added complication that the vast majority of us knew about our GD before entering into our marriages but many - perhaps because of shame, perhaps because we thought marriage would cure us - kept our feelings under wraps until well into the marriage.  Therefore, if we want our marriages to persist after we finally come out, we do have to accept some responsibility to consider the feelings of our spouses who are the innocent party in all of this.

It is to your credit that you are considering your wife's feelings through your own struggles.  Granted, some of your motives surround you not wishing to lose her but, for the most part, I see a genuine desire on your part not to hurt her which is a great example of the definition of love I quoted at the start of this reply.  You are therefore, to use a metaphor, approaching a fork in the road - one route leads to transition and the probable loss of those you hold dear, the other to what you see as a life of frustration.  Your problem is compounded by the two therapists you have consulted - one has blocked off the transition road completely and the other tried to pull you down it when you weren't sure that it was the right road for you.  Neither has been particularly helpful which is why you now feel more confused than ever.

To continue the metaphor, you'll only know which route is the one for you by considering both.  There are many wonderful people in the Susan's community who have gone down the transition route and achieved stunning results.  However, their path has not always been smooth and many have become estranged from their families as a result.  You've probably already read this thread (most of us have!) but the following link will take you to one of the most detailed accounts of transition you'll ever read starting from the intial plea for help from the community, through to a largely complete surgical and social transition with a lot of insight into the impact this has had on their marriage:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.0.html

What I think this thread shows graphically is that transition is no walk in the park and, whilst it may resolve one set of issues, it does give rise to a whole load more.  At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to decide which set outweighs the other and act accordingly.

On the other hand, you may decide to chose the route that leaves things as they are.  Although there is perhaps a body of opinion which considers this a less palatable option, I personally think it's a very valid choice to make.  It's only thanks to medical progress and a more liberal society that has enabled us to have the choice of transition and if we accept that gender dysphoria is not a new phenomenon, then people in our position in years gone by would have to live with the condition - in other words stay well and truly 'in the closet'.  Agreed, it's probably a lot harder to do now than it was 100 years ago given the advances in treatment of GD, transition, social media, websites and apps that enable you to see what you'd look like as the opposite sex and all of the other things we have to contend with but it is doable.  Again, there are many individuals in this community, myself included, who have chosen this path - it's not easy and some would call it living a lie but, for me, GD means a burning wish that I'd been born female rather than a burning  desire to become female by surgical means.  And let's not forget that many people in the wider world have to live with far greater struggles than this one and cope as best they can.

I wish you luck on your journey, whichever road you take!

[Bobbie LeAnn]

When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

omg !
Is this person me? It all sounds so familiar lol
Hang in there girl and just be yourself. I went through almost the same things. It took me weeks to come up with the name I really want to be called (Bobbie LeAnn).
I have made a LOT! of changes in the past year and can't and won't go back to the man I was. I am still a man to most of the people I know and I get strange looks with me having breasts now. I am currently a 38c/d and soon I am going to kill off the male side of me and live my life as a woman. I too like you found the forums here to be filled with real honest people and feel comfortable here. We only have one life to live and it's too short to live it trapped in the wrong body.

I hope and pray you can find your true self and be happy(I know I have).

With love
Bobbie Ann

[Erika_Courtney]

I know I am entering the fools gold phase. So today I met this girl, I loved they way she did her hair, and she had on the cutest top. That was my first impression, I continued to see her throughout the day and my thoughts started to drift away from her clothes and more to what it would be like to see her without clothes on and in bed. Then the light goes on in my head, that is normal guy thoughts. A couple of months ago, it would have been time to delete my account, because I was cured. Now I know it is just fools gold. I am coming out of a phase, but I know it won't last forever. I am good for a week maybe even a month, but I am going to fall right into another phase. The hard part is moving forward, not back. Up to this point, I have never really been able to see a future with me being a woman in it, over the last week that has changed, I can see me as a woman in the future. The fools gold makes it harder to break the status quo. I found my therapist number and was about to call, now I feel more like giving this guy thing awhile longer. My biggest hope is that if I give my wife all she wants for as long as I can, that when I can't give anymore, she will understand and we can find a way to make it work.

[JulieOnHerWay]

It is good you are aware that this moment of masculinity is a fools paradise.  Or I think so anyway.  One days experience does not make a life's satisfaction.
I too look at women.  See what they are wearing, carrying themselves, even their bodies.  Love it all. Sometimes.  But i have noticed and think I have not been one to jump to lust for them.  It is part of my demisexual self, I guess.  And as I go further along in my awareness I am less inclined to lust them even.  Think of many things.  Being friends.  Hanging out.  Just knowing her but sex is not a part of the equation.   But I will admit to admiring a weather guy during the coverage of hurricane Irma.
Giving your SO time to adjust is good, especially if you want to make it work.  You (we) have struggled with this most of our lives.  She just got the bombshell dropped on her recently and with it a whole new set of uncertainties to try to adjust to or deal with.  But don't deny what you are inside.  What needs to be expressed somehow, some way.  Or things will get painful.  This adjustment may be a good way to start a chat with your SO about moving forward with openness and honesty but no promises for the future except to love her.  None of us know tomorrow's dysphoria intensity of how we will respond to hormones.

[Ashley3]

I know I am entering the fools gold phase. So today I met this girl, I loved they way she did her hair, and she had on the cutest top. ... my thoughts started to drift away from her clothes and more to what it would be like to see her without clothes on and in bed. Then the light goes on in my head, that is normal guy thoughts. ...

Why are those "guy thoughts"? I mean, do you think of making love to her as a guy and she a woman, or do you just assume general attraction is heterosexual attraction... or something else?

To be clear, your admiration for her clothes does not make you trans. If you sense that admiration is a desire to be like her and wear such clothes, then it could mean you're trans-feminine to some degree. And if you're trans-feminine to some degree, it doesn't mean you won't find her attractive.

I'm not trying to split hairs here... I'm trying to let you see how I read things if I take what you post literally. I'm doing that because I think you may sometimes be making hasty (if not harsh in some cases) assumptive judgments about a number of things and then believing those judgments because of the initial strength you give them.

If there's any truth to that, perhaps a more relaxed non-assumptive approach to considering things might yield a more thoughtful way of considering things, perhaps with refrain from judgment, allowing answers to become clear to you only when they're truly there.

Judgments without basis are like lies. I'm not saying your perspective doesn't have basis but I'm not seeing in the most recent post and I guess, given earlier posts/discussion, I'm interested in ensuring I'm honest about what info I have or do not have in what you say. So I'm treating what you're saying quite literally and working to avoid being assumptive myself about how to read between the lines.

You might consider allowing yourself to not have all the answers, to more simply perceive your life... see it happening and your thoughts, like you'd behold a beautiful field or lake in peace and quiet without a lot of harsh or hasty commentary.

I know I am entering the fools gold phase. ... A couple of months ago, it would have been time to delete my account, because I was cured. Now I know it is just fools gold. ... The fools gold makes it harder to break the status quo. ...

You use "fools gold" at least 3 times... that's harsh. So you're the fool?  And being non-trans without tendency for being fem is somehow synonymous with being "cured"?? Harsh my friend... you think being non-trans is being cured. You think being non-trans means you can close your account, all of which mean you're cured, and all of which are great (gold) things for you, right? Because fools gold is simply a forgery of all the aforementioned actual gold. You thought you were all better because you could see a way of being non-trans and closing your account, all of which turned out to be false for you, so you call it fools gold.

Harsh... why not just chill... enjoy your life, work on your relationship with your SO, and enjoy life with her, find a great gender therapist, and figure things out without all the harshness.

There's no fools gold here except to believe there's fools gold. If you find out you like women and aren't trans, then more power to you. If you find out your trans feminine, more power to you. Finding out one or the other doesn't make you automatically a great person or a bad person, and neither is definitively better than the other. Those categories are just groupings we can choose to express to identify with as a way of communicating to each other in the general discourse of life generally who we are to each other. Being trans-feminine is extremely very general... being a transsexual, while more specific, is still a very general thing too... it has specifics but it's not definitively good or bad. 

If someone is repressed and not seeing something, then it's usually fairly definitively "good" for that someone to discover that they are repressed and not seeing things clearly... most of us believe that is a good thing. But you're not even there yet. I'm trying to say the endpoints are not good/bad in and of themselves... it's the person and whether they are at the right endpoint and how they live their lives, their context, which makes things good or bad... and evven "good" and "bad" are rather two extremes. Anyway, you seem to be implicitly judging the endpoints you're uncertain of and I'm saying that, to me, seems like 'The' only fools gold here, that you think you can make those judgments.

I guess that's what i"m saying... stop judging the potential endpoints because none of them are good or bad... they are realities that we can discover are general descriptions of aspects of our lives. They are good if you find the right endpoint for yourself and it yields better life health. They can be bad if you try to force yourself into an endpoint or feel you must be one or the other due to pressure. Nobody's pressuring you... beyond your SO (which is typical... but she is not you as well)... but you don't have to pressure yourself into believe you are one endpoint versus another based on judgments of the endpoints themselves... just relax and see who you naturally are. That's the gold of transition IMHO... and it can come from self-realization or more involved treatments/experiences overtime.

[Erika_Courtney]

I only have myself to blame for my current situation. I chose to isolate myself, stopping therapy and promising never to speak of transiting to my wife again. I come on board and ramble about what is on my mind today, hoping to make sense of all these thoughts passing through my head. I keep going back to the day, I sat in my therapist office and declared I am a woman. When I first started I thought I could simply chose male or female. I thought if I wanted to move on I could, but after a few days or weeks I was right back here. The truth is I have never been at the crossroads of male or female, I chose female years ago, I just never realized I could make that choice. I spent my life thinking male was the only choice. The crossroads is do I choose what makes me happy or what makes the ones I love happy.  For years I have always been sexually aroused by women, women don't arouse me anymore and men don't either. This week is the first time in a long time, I have felt any arousal after seeing a woman. It felt like old times, before all these thoughts clouded my head. As someone on this board once said, you have to make a plan and move forward with it. Well before this week I had a plan, it is time to put my happiness first. I am lucky to know a therapist willing to support me in my journey. It is true I didn't like this therapist, because the truth is scary, and I always want to run for it. The truth is I want to fully develop a female looking body. Like many on here I tolerate a male body, because it isn't that bad, but when I see Erika in the mirror that is who I truly am. I so far have lacked the courage to come out and stay out. In some ways I am lucky to have a wife that time after time is willing to forgive me and take me back. I know the time is coming for me to make a very difficult choice.


It is great to have a place I can come and share my thoughts.

Thank you for those who have replied to my recent post.

[Ashley3]

I only have myself to blame for my current situation. ...

From your last post it sounds like you're actually making better sense of things, perhaps finding courage you didn't have before ... so congrats on that!

You might consider not blaming yourself so much. You've described many things which don't need any associated "blame" or "good"/"bad" labels.

If something in your thinking changes again you might consider not blaming yourself and just observing the shift and being okay if no immediate answers exist. I personally find that stance of observation amidst confusion more fruitful to finding self understanding than lots of self-criticism in that same moment. The two paths spend energy in different ways perhaps with different goals in mind. 

[Erika_Courtney]

I am feeling really guilty right now. I told my wife I was going to a baseball game, instead I checked into a hotel to spent time as Erika. I have been sitting on the bed in a night gown and eating ice cream, but sometimes my hair gets in the way. I have heard people talk about gender euphoria, I am just so happy when I look in the mirror tonight and see myself. I don't just look in the mirror, I play in the mirror, I play with my hair, I make kissy faces with my lips.

Well I am getting ready to head to bed, I am going to sleep with my breast forms and nightgown on, this should be interesting.

[elkie-t]

Take a walk outside, go to a hotel bar for a drink... it's more fun (than sit inside) and unless you hotel is really seedy, is generally safe

[Erika_Courtney]

Wow what an amazing night. Normally I toss and turn in bed, before I can fall asleep. Last night I got into bed and in less then a minute, I got comfortable and next thing I knew my alarm was going off. When I went into the bathroom and saw a woman's body in the mirror it made me so happy my eyes started to tear up.

[JulieOnHerWay]

Wow what an amazing night. Normally I toss and turn in bed, before I can fall asleep. Last night I got into bed and in less then a minute, I got comfortable and next thing I knew my alarm was going off. When I went into the bathroom and saw a woman's body in the mirror it made me so happy my eyes started to tear up.

Hugs Girlfriend.  It is a wonderful feeling.  We all know it.  That moment of seeing ourselves for the first time.  And a  good nights sleep in sexy us is so nice.  Gotta love your breast forms.  Now are the girls the right size you want the rest of your life.  That is my dilemma.  Mine fit nicely in D cup, but do I want that after BA?  And all the attention they bring.  The struggles of being TG.

[Laurie]

Hi Erika,

   Yes isn't it nice? Enjoy the bliss Erika. I think I can't remember having many such nights a long time ago.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Erika_Courtney]

Now are the girls the right size you want the rest of your life. 

I guess this is what you would call progress. When I first started to question if I was transgender and was researching hormones, I knew in my head what changes I was okay and what changes I was not okay. The biggest not okay was I don't want breast development. I didn't want people to look at me and think I was female and breast kind of give you away. Fast-forward to the present, I am not longer in denial I about who I am and how I feel. I am more ready and interested in exploring features that would make me body look more female. I currently have C-Cup breast forms, any bump on chest looks nice, but I would not be against having a bigger size. I have also read that after starting hormones, some m to f see a reduction in upper body size. This might make my C-Cups forms look bigger on my chest. I never thought I would day this, but I will just be happy to have my own natural breast, no matter the size. Fast-Forward to the future when I start hormones, and I am writing how my breast didn't grow as big as I wanted them. Honestly right now I am just trying to come to terms with the end of denial about wanting to be a woman and enjoying this discover time.

[Laurie]

Yeah , Erika I would put that in the progress category. Congratulations on the attitude changes.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[JulieOnHerWay]

Good brain shift.  Knowing that what you have resisted for so long is not possible anymore.  And it has an upside too.  Boobies!!
My natural girls wont be enough.  I know because of my gene pool.  Both sisters are small.  No hope for even a C cup with what is in me.  Already planning for BA.  If I am going girl I want a rack (sort of).  Yum. 
And as a male I was not a rack-man.

[Erika_Courtney]

I just wanted to post some thoughts in my head as I try to sort all these things out.

My family is my number one reason for not transitioning. I am just not sure I love my wife anymore. I am sure all marriages go through these phases, but in the end both people want to be together forever. My wife wants to be together, but under certain conditions. I am willing to submit to her conditions, but I wish she would just understand what I am truly going through. She thinks this is just something I can simple cover up and move on from, I wish it was that simple. That being said, I have been denying my female side less and less. The more I feel our relationship is falling apart, the less will I have to hold on to the male things about me. I am starting to think that I could have a life as a woman, even though that life would not include her. I know if I continue on this road, I am going to wake up one morning a woman with real breast and female features, I am also waking up alone, did I transition because I wanted to be a woman or did I go this far out of anger and hurt. Maybe the anger and hurt are helping me reach the point I needed to reach to express my female side. Time will tell.

[elkie-t]

Oh Erica, what you writes is spot on for me. I made a big sacrifice, only to be ignored by my spouse and to become a starting point point for more nagging. Some people don't appreciate you, and take for granted


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ashley3]

... My wife wants to be together, but under certain conditions. I am willing to submit to her conditions, but I wish she would just understand what I am truly going through. ...

My understanding is that marriage (I've never been married) involves commitment, understanding, compromise... and love on some level. It seems you're entitled to express your situation, have your conditions, and all that, as part of navigating the world of matrimony together. It can only be one-sided if that's truly agreeable or reconciled by both parties... otherwise it's sort of matrimony her way or the highway which doesn't sound like matrimony to me... it doesn't sound like someone who is thinking about "in sickness and health" and "for better or worse" etc.

Transition is a very involved thing and you're already talking judgmentally about waking up one day in the distant future and having female features overall which apparently you are certain will cause her to drop you, and that you'll then be alone. Those things can happen... but... If you haven't had one day of upper-lip facial electrolysis, I'd say hold on there ... you need time to figure things out, to try things, see what will happen. I'd be careful about letting your emotions and black-and-white judgments come up with these distant outcomes.

It sounds like you should be seeing a therapist by yourself and with your wife to discuss things. Hopefully you can find a therapist who will be neutral and not side one way or another based on, say, religious beliefs. For example, in therapy you should be able to say I want to wear a dress around the house at least one day per week, or be allowed to have a night where I can go somewhere to do that... to experience that. You are allowed to try things out in life.