My First of MANY Steps

[Erika_Courtney]

I was sitting down with my wife and I started to talk, about a song that I heard on the radio. I said it has been years since, I heard that song, it was the last time I really cried and that was when we where dating 7 years ago. We had just had a huge fight and I thought I would never see you again. I listened to that song for hours and cried. You are the best thing that every happened to me, I cannot image my life without you.

I then paused, there is something I need to tell you, this has been going around my head for the last year, I think I'm transgender. She replied what? It explains so much about my life, I have never been one to hang out with guys, the few friends I every had were women and bunch of other life events that in hindsight point to being transgender. The conversation ended there. I never planned on the conversation going in this direction.

I came back the next night and told her I wanted to talk more. I wanted to continue our talk from last night. Her first comment was, I don't see you with a vagina, I want you think about this and go to counseling.

The next night, I explained that I was willing to go to counseling. I told her don't want to be a woman, I want to be a man. She seemed happy, so I stopped there.

Tomorrow I start counseling. I am really excited, my wife is also going with me. I am no gender therapist, so I am looking forward to hearing from the professional.

[AlyssaJ]

Erika, first of all, congratulations on taking the first step.  Coming out to our partners is always very difficult and what you described in her reaction is more open minded than many of us experience.  I question the statement you made to her that you don't want to be a woman.  Is that true?  Or are you maybe at this point not sure or don't *think* you want to be a woman?   I ask because I made similar statements to my wife when I first came out to her. I told her I thought I was gender fluid but that I liked my man parts and didn't want to become a woman.  After months of therapy I realized that this was really my own denial and my own attempt at softening the blow for her.  Well that backfired on me completely after I came to conclude that I did indeed need to transition, that I wasn't gender fluid but am truly female inside.  She's held it against me numerous times since.  So maybe avoid speaking in absolutes.  You know what your feelings are now but some counseling may lead you to other conclusions.

As far as the counseling, it's very good that you guys are seeing someone together, however I would encourage you to also see someone separately.  Even in a counselor's office that is supposed to be a safe and open place to share anything honestly, it's still hard to do some of the self analysis and discovery that is needed in order to uncover the answers you seek.

Good luck to you, we're all here for you any time you need!!

[Erika_Courtney]

I may have just written the book on how not to come out, I think I am deeper in the closet then when I started. Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own. I think I am somewhere between denial and bargaining. Eighteen months ago gender was black and white, then all of a sudden it became a sea of gray. My wife still sees gender as black and white and I have no problem with her staying that way. She is 100% in denial right now, I can tell by the, I looked online about transgender woman and you don't fit that description at all comments.

[AlyssaJ]

Yeah right now she's grasping.  She's seeing the potential of losing "her man" and trying desperately to exert whatever control she can to prevent that from happening.  It can get manipulative at times but it will be part of her grieving process.  IMHO, you need to start by really figuring out where you're at.  Seeing a therapist (alone) and do the work to discover what it is you really need. Then you can present the facts to her in no uncertain terms and she'll have to then take that and deal with it. 

I know how you feel with the coming out before you were ready.  In my case, I had scheduled an appointment with a gender therapist.  I just told my wife I had made an appointment with a therapist without mentioning gender or what it was all about.  As I said before, at the time I thought I might be non-binary/gender fluid. However I wasn't sure and I wanted to work with a therapist and identify for sure who I was before I came out to my wife.  Unfortunately, 2 weeks before my appointment, my wife pressed me for an explanation of why I was going to a therapist.  I told her how I felt, that I can't help but feel that my need to cross dress was more than just a fetish or something.  That I thought it was gender identity related and that I might be non-binary.

Things went south from there fast. I didn't have the answers to many of her questions.  She asked me "are you going to go Caitlyn Jenner on me" and of course at the time I said no.  I really wasn't prepared for the conversation or the questions she asked me and I did a terrible job of answering them.  As I look back on it now, I would have done many things differently given what I know now.  But the fact is, I didn't know and couldn't have known.

So what I'm saying is don't be too hard on yourself.  There is no "right" way to do this, there is no one road map that works for everyone, we each just do the best we can.  What you have to do right now is be honest with your wife and avoid being vague or understating things in an attempt to protect her feelings.  It won't work anyway and it will just cause both of you frustration.  I'm no expert at this, my marriage appears headed for the crapper, but I'm here or you can PM me anytime to bounce ideas off me or hear more about my experience.

[Charlie Nicki]

Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own.

Sounds familiar, I was there as well. Came out on a whim to my ex boyfriend 3 years ago to then realize I was not ready and ended up burying my feelings even deeper. Took me 3 years to be able to accept it once again and here I am going to therapy.

So what I'm trying to say is, even if you think it wasn't the best way or that you're not ready, please hang in there. Keep going to therapy and working on it...Don't waste time burying it since it'll come out again at some point, only that you'll be older and things might be even more complicated.

[Erika_Courtney]

It was an hour long car ride for the therapy appointment, and my wife asked what are we going to talk about. I told her I am going to tell therapist I am here because of you and she laughed.

Of course the first part of appointment was paperwork, then we go back to the office. Then came the question, why are you here? I am here because of my wife. My wife went on to explain that in the 9 years that we have been together, I have never wanted to talk about anything, then all of sudden one night I opened up like a book and haven't wanted to stop talking since. She doesn't feel that she can help me and wants me to find someone who can and she said she was shocked after 5 years of wanting me to get help, I finally called someone. This made me feel really good about myself. I told therapist, all my life people have told me something is wrong with me, my wife is the only person to say I am normal and believed in me. I said if 99% of my luck was bad the 1% that was good was finding her. I said that honestly I don't feel that I have a good husband to her, when she needed me the most, I was emotionally distance. I can only remember crying one time in the last 7 years. I use to cry a lot, but one day my mom, yes I said my mom, said boys don't cry. I build this wall between my emotions and me. I then told the therapist, this might sound creepy, but if my wife every found herself in that position again, I wanted to be her, so she didn't have to live through that again. I'll want to be a better husband next time. My wife responded by saying there was a rough patch in our marriage and looking back even she wished she had handle herself better. The therapist turned the subject to a lighter topic as the appointment was drawing to a close. Then it was over, but not before I told therapist, I have a great mother and anyone who says other wise has to answer to me. I may have issues with my mother, but I will also love her.

It didn't seem like much happen during the session, but know that I have thought about it, there were some really big things.

I go back in a week and half for a solo session. Looking forward to expanding on what we talked about today.

[Erika_Courtney]

I was really inspired today to do some self discovery, thank you Ashley3. I stopped by a Wal-Mart and purchased a pair of women's jeans and a top. I tried them on and I looked ridiculous. I never thought I had much body hair, it is always covered by my guy clothes, not so much covered by women's clothes. I am also pretty sure the top made me gain 20 pounds. I wasn't to crazy about the pants either, the pockets were way to small. Despite looking ridiculous, there are definitely some real feelings to explore from this little experience.

[CarlyMcx]

I've never been very hairy but I can relate.  All the times I crossdressed when I was younger the female clothing highlighted my muscles and made me look more masculine.

But -- do not be discouraged.  Once I learned how to buy and wear the right clothes, I got a decent wig and some makeup.  I put myself together, took a look in the mirror, saw the real me for the first time and fell in love.  It will happen for you too.

Be patient.  Cis girls spend years learning how to be women.  Why should it be any different for us?

[AlyssaJ]

Erika, I'll just second what Carly said, it takes time.  Your body right now is shaped differently than a woman's body, as a result the clothes aren't cut to fit your body as it is right now.  However, with waist cinchers, hip/butt padding, etc. you can account for that and things will improve. 

There's also a component here of "Welcome to Womanhood".  Women's clothes in general are cut to be more figure fitting and as you've noticed lighter coverage.  As such their less forgiving of "imperfections". I put that in quotes because EVERY woman has imperfections that they don't like.  As you try on different clothes you'll start to learn what styles accentuate the positives or minimize the challenge areas.  There are also guides online, some geared toward cross-dressers/transgender others toward cis-women but those would work too, that can help with how to minimize features or accentuate features.

Hang in there, you're just getting started. As frustrating as it can be, all of this just takes practice.  Like Carly said, remember cis-women start learning this stuff in their pre-teens.  That's a lot to catch up on.

[Erika_Courtney]

When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

[Daniellekai]

I'm with you there, although by the time I joined this site I was already in the middle of making "the decision", I think what you're going through is referred to as "the bargaining stage", I had a stint with it myself, "maybe I'll just be a really feminine guy, or a crossdresser! Either of those would definitely be easier... Marginally less stigma, no permanent changes, keep fully functional sexual equipment, the advantages are endless!" But none of it was enough, it always felt like I needed to go further. So after I was sure I really wanted to, which was a whole other process, I made a list of the things that would keep me from doing it, and I set out to eliminate them one by one. I'm at the last one now, freezing some sperm tomorrow morning, and then an email to the endo and my prescriptions will be sent in (and a demonstration of how to inject myself scheduled)

[Laurie]

When I started to question my gender identity, I visited a bunch of different boards, but I always seem to come back here before the night was over. This is not just a place for a question and an answer, it was a place to share your journey and the journey of others. I didn't want to just make a throw away account, say somethings and fade back into the shadows, you are all real people, with real lives and I have read so many courageous stories on this site. It took me over a week the come up with my user name, I eliminated Erika at least 5 times, but I just keep coming back to it. What is in a name anyway? Erika has no legal meaning, I can't board a plane under the name Erika Courtney. Yet for some reason, I felt I had to pick just the right name. Besides I dislike being referred to as female. When ever I pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer, they always say hello miss, I spend the next five minutes telling them they are talking to a sir and they better get it right. So why did a spend a week trying to pick out the right female name? For that matter why am I even here, that question I can answer.

I always knew something was different about me, nothing bad just I was different then the other boys. I grew up in the 1980's and there was no internet and I don't remember their being a transgender episode of Facts of Life. It wasn't until the last couple of years, that I even heard the word transgender and that was in the context of a man completely transiting into a female. I don't have a problem looking like a guy and I could have seen myself as a guy 20 years from now. What stuck out to me during my research, was more of a mental transition. My plan became to live in guy physical mode, same name and clothes, just mentally change, to be the girl I am suppose to be in my head. Then I stared to read the post that replied referring to me as Erika. I won't lie, I liked being addressed as Erika. I still didn't really have a mental image of me with a female body. Then I thought maybe it would be fun to see myself dressed in female clothes, so I cross dressed. I may have looked ridiculous, but honestly I was really excited to see myself dressed as female. I could not help but wonder, what would I look like with breast and long hair? It is really scary to be asking this because I hate long hair and never wanted breast or any other female features. If I want to know what I look like with long hair and breast, I will have an idea soon, since I ordered both last night. You can find anything on the internet.

I woke up this morning and started to wonder are things moving to fast? I checked online and my wig and breast order were processed, looks like they are coming in the mail. With that being said, I think I need to take a little break for soul searching and have a little fun, and get some fresh air. I will probably have had two therapy appointments before I post again, so I will have a lot to catch up on.

I think the biggest take away from yesterday is this: I thought Erika was the girl in my head, but I am starting to think that Erika is the girl inside of me.

Erika,

   I'm in agreement with Danielle (congrats Danielle on the HRT) You sound like you are bargaining with yourself, I did it too From the time I ordered my hrt I went through the "I can always stop before there are permanent changes if I decide I don't want to go though with it" Well I think I lied to myself. From the first pill I think I knew I was not going to stop. What I was doing was right. But it didn't stop me from second guessing myself or feeling overwhelmed as one thing led to another. I even said I was taking a break from posting here. LOL That lasted two days I think.
  You will feel like that many times Erika. You will have your doubts and second guess yourself but if it is right for you, you will always come back to where you left off and continue. That girl is not just inside Erika, you are that girl.

  Wishing you all the luck in the world Erika whatever you decide to do.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[aaajjj55]

I may have just written the book on how not to come out, I think I am deeper in the closet then when I started. Every since that night I wish I could take back what I said, so I would have more time to figure things out on my own.

That sounds familiar!  Being a few years down the road from coming out to my SO and deeper in the closet than ever I have had a lot of time to consider where I went wrong.  My fundamental problem at the time I confessed was that I viewed crossdressing and a nagging wish I was female as some form of sick perversion - like many others here, I thought that marriage had 'cured' me but, of course, it hadn't and, over the ensuing decades, the dysphoria and TG feelings got stronger.  As a result, my wife viewed it in exactly the same way.  In fairness, she tried to understand and be tolerant but, in the end, found the whole thing distasteful and, as a result, I agreed to cease all activities.   What I didn't understand at the time is that being TG in any of its guises is not a perversion but the result of a disconnect between the brain and body, probably hard wired in during foetal development, possibly as a result of medication taken by my mother during pregnancy.  Had I been able to explain things in that way, I may well have experienced compassion & support and possibly even latitude to indulge myself.

Without wishing to contradict other respondents here (as we are all different) for me, I find that I am battling with the desire to be a proper male.  Whilst I long for the sensations of being female and increasingly find that I look on women with envy and a desire to be them rather than just be with them, I want to be a father to my kids and a proper husband to my wife; I want to feel comfortable in a male skin and be able to live up to the expectations which family, friends and society in general has of me as a male.  One could argue that I am in denial over my true self but, equally, try as I might, I cannot envisage potentially giving up everything to live the rest of my life as a female.

And that's the dilemma which I think you are facing too.  Others have indicated that you may feel you have to transition in the future but, equally, you can take the decision to live with the dysphoria (as the vast majority of dysphoria sufferers had to do prior to the advances in transgender treatment (both medical and by society) over the past couple of decades).  Neither option is a walk in the park and, at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you.

Above all else, what's important is that you maintain a dialogue with your wife.  If there's anything that pushes you deeper into the closet than anything else (and with it heightens the dysphoria), it's making the issue a taboo subject never to be discussed - here speaks the voice of experience!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Jacqueline]

Erika Courtney,

Hi and welcome to the site. I see you jumped on and started posting so much that no one noticed you had not received a welcome. So here it is.

Looks like you have had a lot of help and a lot to digest.

Having been through what you just did two years ago, I have some experience with that. Let me know if you have further questions. I think going to a therapist that specializes in gender issues is the best first step.

Good luck.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Erika_Courtney]

My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

A short summary about Less then 24 Hours Ago:

I went to see my gender therapist, I got up the words out I wonder if I am transgender and I'm afraid to find out yes. The I started talking a mile minute. I talked about playing with dolls, I loved my little pony, nearly all friends were female with near complete rejection of male friends, dreaming about being girl, tired of being a guy and etc.Then I felt like I was getting crossed examined on the witness stand. Every point, made I was challenged on.
Then this conversation took place:

Therapist:
No you want a vagina?
No

No you want breast?
No

What type of underwear do you have on?
Boxers

What Type of Boxers:
Hanes

What type of Hanes?
I don't know the kind you get from the men section at Walmart.

If you don't want a vagina or breast and you are not wearing any female clothing, you are not transgender.


I should be happy, my wife was going leave me and take our kid if I every transition.

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

[Dena]

Susan's is a place for self discovery and somebody who decides the transition isn't right for them is just as welcome as somebody who wants everything. It's always best to figure this out before changes are made that you might regret. Feel free to stick around as not all discussions are about transitioning. We have had CIS women come here for FFS information, and even a minister who engage in religious discussion. Our SO section consist of people who know others who are transgender and those who just want to know more about us. There still is the possibly that you could be in the non binary but still pretty close to the male side of the scale. Don't feel you have to leave as you are still welcome here.

[aaajjj55]

My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

...

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

Firstly, I don't think you're a fraud at all.  If you look back through my posts, you'll see a lot of see-sawing between 'I need to transition' and 'I'm quite happy as I am'.  Like you, I felt fraudulent once I realised that I was not a woman trapped in a man's body and very nearly signed off from this site.  However, I realised that there were plenty of others like me struggling with dysphoria that comes and goes and, unfortunately, I think you'll find that whilst your dysphoria has gone today, it may well be back tomorrow, next week or next month.  That's not to say that when/if it does return, you have to throw out all of your male clothes and immediately live 24/7 as a female though, but understanding that, for some of us, dysphoria does come and go should be enough to convince you that you're not a fraud, even during the dysphoria downtimes.

Moving onto your therapist, they're either extremely bad at their job or extremely good!  Reading the words as you write them, they look like the former but, equally, it looks possible that they have played devil's advocate to help you understand more about yourself.  Whilst today you have accepted their diagnosis at face value, what is important is that you reach an understanding about yourself which takes in all of the feelings, both masculine and feminine, that you have.  You don't need to wear panties and stockings under your male clothes to be transgender and, equally, you can wear the said items for fetishistic reasons and not be transgender.  It's a much deeper issue than that and if your therapist can't help you delve deeper into your psyche, then maybe it's time to change therapist.

Finally, like you I had never interacted with the transgender community before joining this site and, like you, I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and insight I have received which has helped me shape my understanding of my own situation and what is right for me.  As Dena said in her reply, stick around and don't leave, particularly as I think you still have unanswered questions about yourself - in particular, if the therapist is so adamant that you are not transgender, how does that square with your feelings of being different and your developing desire to see yourself with female attributes such as long hair and breasts articulated in an earlier post on this thread.

Above all, though, remember that this is about you.  There's nothing wrong with living with an inner struggle while maintaining the status quo to preserve your marriage and family.  Of course, it's not easy but many people live with far worse - loss of mobility or sight, terminal illness etc. - so, if you want to stay as you are, it's doable and doesn't make you any less of a member of this community.

[Ashley3]

My honest feeling right now is that I am a fraud. I join Susan's Place because I thought I was transgender, and presented to you these feeling that I was actually a woman. Today I don't feel transgender, I feel like a did 18 months ago before I ever knew what the word transgender meant. What I difference 24 hours makes.

A short summary about Less then 24 Hours Ago:

I went to see my gender therapist, I got up the words out I wonder if I am transgender and I'm afraid to find out yes. The I started talking a mile minute. I talked about playing with dolls, I loved my little pony, nearly all friends were female with near complete rejection of male friends, dreaming about being girl, tired of being a guy and etc.Then I felt like I was getting crossed examined on the witness stand. Every point, made I was challenged on.
Then this conversation took place:

Therapist:
No you want a vagina?
No

No you want breast?
No

What type of underwear do you have on?
Boxers

What Type of Boxers:
Hanes

What type of Hanes?
I don't know the kind you get from the men section at Walmart.

If you don't want a vagina or breast and you are not wearing any female clothing, you are not transgender.


I should be happy, my wife was going leave me and take our kid if I every transition.

Also honestly I never talked to a transgender person before I joined Susan's Place. You are nicer and more caring then some the real life men and women I know. I have to put the guy warning in here, I know this may sound creepy, but I you are the kind of people I would like to be friends with. Thank you for all of your support.

Being confused about things, and taking steps to figure things out, does not make you a fraud.

You are a human being. Human beings are emotional creatures first. You are wondering about feelings you have that are somewhat if not significantly incongruous with the expectations of you presented by your environment, or you may wish to connect with your wife (as one of infinite examples) a certain way but cannot find the words to ask. I or others can't say, you need to self discover. Therapy is supposed to help resolve that confusion in a way that leaves you fully comfortable... or that's my ideal of therapy anyway.

Your confusion and wonderment is fine... not that you don't want to make things better or more resolved, but don't be so hard on yourself for being human.

It is natural in our society to have feelings, not fully understand them, want better understanding of them, and to seek that understanding by trying to discuss things with others, wife, therapist, or otherwise.

Sometimes you may share those feelings with others and feel stranger after, and that's okay... all feelings have meaning and you can be happy if you have feelings one way or another. Worry if you don't feel anything.

All to say that confusion is not a bad thing... just something you may (or may not) want to resolve depending on the importance of the related issues (i.e., if I'm confused about a product advertisement, I may not want to invest much in resolving my confusion, but if I'm confused about my own gender, I may invest a lifetime! ... in both cases, I'm going to start by appreciating my self-knowledge of the confusion and that stemming from that confusion are feelings that work to inform me.).

I cannot imagine a therapist in my own experience telling me the answer to my transgender status at any time much less the answer of "no" within my first session for the apparently superficial reasons you outlined... seems odd... but I wasn't there... be curious to see what others say.

When someone has any form of gender variance, especially when it's largely unexpressed, as it quite often is, people can be quite bottled up, repressed about it to the point of not wearing anything or showing anything publicly. Lack of gender expression is not an indication of lack of gender variance. Because of that potential level of repression, I've mostly heard of therapists interacting and letting things bubble up from the client. You don't have to secretly wear panties, for example, to validate your female nature when you are in guy mode.

I am not a therapist but I do know that repression can be immensely powerful and difficult to understand. My understanding and experience is that a good gender therapist knows this and the initial sessions—if not throughout—can often be about allowing the patient to "be" so there can be self-discovery either amidst the sessions or as a result of events surrounding ongoing sessions.

Right now, it seems like you are grappling with both repression as well as how others in your environment are responding to your attempts to bring those out for mere discussion. (I could be wrong... don't let my wonderment be the guiding force... maybe you've already solved everything... I'm merely trying to present possibilities toward opening your mind up to something beyond the black-and-white possibilities. Seems you are somewhat aware of this already but I sense you may not be fully, and I wonder if your wife thinks it's always a "guy mode" vs "bottom surgery" sort of dilemma which is so not the case. Discussing hidden gender issues openly and respectfully can often be a relationship-enhancing thing... in my opinion, therapy should be getting you to understand the possibilities and fostering healthy discussion with you and between you and your wife etc. )

Continuing... What I'm saying is... you are the one trying to be truthful here... that is not a bad thing. You're not going around saying "I'm a woman, I'm a woman" or "I want HRT, I want HRT." Not that there would be anything wrong with that depending on the context, but I'm saying you seem to be trying to be very slow, careful, wise about each step you take. I don't sense a rash desire to hastily jump in some direction. I'm not completely certain but I wonder if you are attempting to try to learn more through discussing things with others, such as with your wife and therapist, where you get some response and it seems to bottle you up... I can't be certain, but I wonder about that possibility.

Keep in mind there are a zillion paths one can take. You are a unique person with your own unique path. You are trying to figure that out. You could, for example, find any of the following possibilities viable resolutions to your situation...

• You may ask your wife you if she would mind during intimacy if you could be in a feminine role with her. This can allow a couple to explore gender roles within the safe mutually supportive environment of intimacy. You may discover that is all you want, and the rest of the time you want to be in guy mode. This is fine!


• You may discover you are trans but want to live mostly in guy mode with minor nuanced changes that are compatible with your wife. This is fine!


• You may discover you are not trans but wish to cross-dress at some frequency, often or only occasionally, and you wish to do that either with your wife or privately. You don't have to be trans to cross dress. This is fine!


• You may decide to get hair removal, love it, but not want to do more. You may find your wife is fine with that. You may find you are not a trans-woman but just like to be somewhat feminine some or all the time, perhaps in a way fully compatible with your wife. This is fine!


• You may see that you are not trans, don't want to cross dress, and have fully resolved this issue. That is fine!


• You may discover that you are very trans-feminine but your wife means so much to you, and it's a deal-breaker for her, so you decide to live a compromise that is not perfect but ultimately worth it to you. While we often hear this just doesn't work, that's not really accurate... there are no rules... you define how you will live. Don't let stereotypes define you. There may be helpful guiding archetypes but be a leader of who you are. This is fine!


• You may decide to start hormones, get hair removal, and that you want to fully transition, but not get bottom surgery. This is fine too! Also, you cannot guarantee your wife, who says this is a deal-breaker, won't reconcile, but without sugarcoating it, I'm saying watch the assumptions yet it's good you be realistic as you've obviously been. She is a person and her words and feelings matter.

I mean, there are a zillion forms of transition. All you're doing is asking simple questions. I don't really agree with the therapist's quick assessment but I also wasn't there... but the thing is, that sort of diagnosis doesn't seem to let you feel comfortable with any outcome.

Regarding apperances... most everyone I've heard from on this, including myself, has started off totally in disbelief that they can progress to a point of looking good in "that dress." I started at 225lbs with hair and a huge man nose... I dropped down to 170lbs (a bit higher now ), got full hair removal, and a rhinoplasty as my first procedures... each step was a move forward in both mental and physical health. I continued.

Most everyone starts out looking like "man in the dress." The key is to make small steps in improvement.

Also, keep in mind that ciswoman sometimes don't work well with certain style outfits, or even certain dresses. I rarely wear a full dress, but I have a few that look great, and I love the occasions where I can wear them... I wear them confidently out compared to my first time out when I was sweating and felt like "man with a big man nose in a dress." LoL   

I always wear women's pants, blouses, etc., often skirts... however, not all blouses work, not all colors work.... And guess what? That's what ciswomen deal with too! Ciswomen cannot put on any old dress and magically look great... well, maybe some, but many cannot do that... they need to learn what works, shop right, and all that.

For genetic males who present as female or in a feminine way, it's definitely tougher given the starting point, but even after removing a lot of genetic male markers, it doesn't magically become easy... if you're lucky, you get close to having the same dilemma as a ciswoman. I gather it's often slightly tougher than that as some genetic male markers stick around for many.

[Ashley3]

Firstly, I don't think you're a fraud at all.  If you look back through my posts, you'll see a lot of see-sawing between 'I need to transition' and 'I'm quite happy as I am'.  Like you, I felt fraudulent once I realised that I was not a woman trapped in a man's body and very nearly signed off from this site.  However, I realised that there were plenty of others like me struggling with dysphoria that comes and goes ...

I felt there was seesawing as well... perhaps in response to others (wife/therapist) reactions to Erika's attempts to surface the dysphoria. I just hope Erika and his/her/their wife understand being trans-feminine doesn't necessarily equal no guy mode ever again. I hope they are aware of simpler possibilities that may be amiable to all involved... I wasn't getting that feeling which is why I outlined some possibilities.

[Erika_Courtney]

I just want to thank everyone for there words of support and understanding. So it looks like you are stuck with me.