I gambled on venturing out and got caught

[Balerie]

Today I had an appointment with my therapist. For a while now I have been wanting to go as Balerie because the last time I did it I enjoyed being me outside the house. At that time I drove there and changed in the restroom and after the session went back to the restroom to get back to guy mode for the drive home.

Today, an hour prior to my appointment, I decided to see how well I could do with makeup. My thought was that if I looked like crap 15 minutes to my departure time, I'd wash it all off and go in drab mode. I'm not going to lie. I was sweating profusely to the point it looked lol me I had run a marathon. I wore some foundation and a little eyeliner and I actually looked beautiful but I was still sweating heavily so I had to keep dabbing the sweat off. I touched it all up, added some lipstick and my wig, grabbed my purse, and headed out.

I was nervous driving there and I was running late. I thought I saw my neighbors/coworker's car driving to work and I kept my distance. My thoughts kept racing to what ifs. What if someone notices I'm not female? What if I'm in an accident? What if and what if. I kept my cool and arrived without incident at my appointment about 10 minutes late.

My appointment went well and one of the things we discussed was the possibility that my wife would be home when I returned from therapy.  Reason being that my wife has forbidden me from venturing out as Balerie. My therapist told me it would be good to discuss this with her if it happened.

I was hoping I'd be there 30 minutes prior to her arrival so I wouldn't have to deal with that. But as luck would have it, i got home and saw her car in the driveway. I got in the house and the look on her face was one of sadness and disappointment. She said it was happening faster than she thought and that I can live my life as I want to. She changed and went to her other job telling me to do whatever I want with my life. Normally my wife is very loving but today that seemed to end.

I don't know what will happen next. I took a big step today, one I've wanted to do for so long but there is always a price to pay when your spouse is not on board with the changes. I honestly can't predict how this will play out.

I'm some respects I wish I had been out more as Balerie and without the boundaries and restrictions my wife imposed so long ago when I thought I was a crossdresser. I'm clueless with makeup though today I seemed to know just how to get by. My lack of experience in female fashion, deportment, and beauty is lacking but I'm slowly working on it.

At least I'm happy now. I know I can go out as Balerie and drive as well as walk a short distance to an office. I'm just not at the shopping mall stage yet. Baby steps.



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[Nooms]

You look amazing, just give her time and try to make lighthearted regarding the makeup, maybe ask her advice and get her involved xxx

[jentay1367]

My heart is breaking for you. Make sure she knows how important she is to you now and always. Let her know she's your heart and soul. Then.............................hope for the best. If it's right, you'll be together next year this time. If not, life's a journey.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Lecture time, though. To get through this you both need to communicate openly. That wasn't open communication. You need to work on that. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[RobynD]

Congrats on the adventure! Yeah i understand totally. There were times i wanted to keep and did keep certain details from my spouse and it never was worth it. Complete honesty and open communications, even if you are going to break a pre-agreed on "rule".

I'd give her some time and then talk.

[HappyMoni]

I get the impression that it is just a matter of time before you can't live with those restrictions. It almost sounds like you aren't real disappointed this happened either. I would hope your partner is also your friend. When she settles down, I hope  you two can work through this together.
Moni

[Erika_Courtney]

That took a lot of courage on your part.

[Laurie]

 Hi Balerie.

  First of all congrats in your adventure out. Yes it is scary as heck when you start making these forays into the public realm. It is a big step and a good one.  Tip for makeup, during the day less is more. Don't over do it. You will make a less noticeable impression if you keep the makeup to a minimum. A little foundation or just powder, neutral eye shadow, just enough mascara and liner to show your lashes. Just enough brow pencil to define the lines you want, blend smooth with an eyebrow brush. You're not wanting to be a glamour girl. Use a subdued lipstick or lip gloss.

  As for getting caught that is a sad consequence and she has a right to be disappointed for you breaking her trust. I'm with Moni in feeling that there is an undertone of  you two having unresolved conflicts that are keeping you apart. You almost sound resolved to separating. If I am wrong then you are hurting at this turn of events and I apologize. But you do not sound too broke up. Again if I am wrong then as others have said communication is the key here. If you do not want to breakup then you need to give her time to absorb this betrayal and then make every effort to explain it to her. Make her understand that this is a very important part of you and it is not going to go away. It is going to take a lot of love on your part to recover from this and move on with your relationship with her.
  I wish you the best of luck in doing so.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[coldHeart]

That's really sad to hear balerie perhaps she might come round in time but when the partner starts laying down rules its only a matter of time before there broken, I wish being truthful to some one can back fire sometimes as I,ve just could out but on the up side I bet it felt so go to be out in the car as you. Sara x

[Denise]

Your wife sounds like mine, supportive as long as she doesn't see it.  For a year, every Thursday night I would be Denise and change in the car before I got home.  I actually got pretty good at changing at 75mph on the interstate.  I don't recommend it 😋. 

However, after about a year, I started not changing and if she was still awake, that was her choice (I'd get home usually 30 minutes after she normally went to bed.)

Then as more and more people knew, Denise would drift in and out on occasion.

One night while watching TV she told me to "rip the band-aid off and just be Denise all the time." Six weeks later, (old name) went away and Denise is full time.

We're still together but that is probably going to change near year's end.  She says "she wants someone to walk down the street and hold their hand, and I'm not a lesbian." So I'll respect the decision to split.  Better to separate as friends than enemies.

That's my story about how to handle being out and respecting your wife's wishes at the same time.

Oh, one more thing, Denise NEVER went out within 30 miles of home.

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[Balerie]

Thank you Nooms, Jentay1367, Devlyn, RobynD, Moni, Erika Courtney, Laurie, Sara, and Denise for your comments. I've kept Balerie locked away for too long that even though I would miss my wife if she walked out of my life, I know that I can't put the genie back in the bottle. I'm on my fourth week of HRT and I am feeling better than in a long time.

I was afraid this would happen but I have no remorse about how things happened. It's been a long time coming. I'd like for things to be better and communication to improve but my wife will be the first one to stop the conversation and state she does not want to discuss it any longer. I'm solo on my decisions etc.

She called me a few minutes ago to tell me that she was sorry for storming out like she did but that it's a lot for her to take and she needs time to adjust to this. She said I was free to continue down whatever path I choose but she just needs time to process this and she hopes to see what life has in store for her.

In the end, after she has time to digest this she may come around. At least she called which is a good sign.

Laurie, thanks for the makeup advice. I posted pics in the pictures forum which I think pass for daytime makeup. I've much to learn about those arts.

Denise, my therapist is only 8 miles away. It's a large area but scary when you're not yet out to anyone and afraid you'll. Bump into someone you know. Maybe I need to take a trip out somewhere far and see what it's like to go shopping. Has to be exhilarating the first time.




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[Laurie]

I've kept Balerie locked away for too long that even though I would miss my wife if she walked out of my life, I know that I can't put the genie back in the bottle. I'm on my fourth week of HRT and I am feeling better than in a long time.

  Balerie,

  I'm afraid we all know about that darned genie. And some of us know the consequences of letting the genie out. She has a two edged sword that can be very sharp and inflicts deep wounds and at the same time it frees our very soul. That collateral damages can be severe.  Be sure to keep talking with your therapist about these problems and victories.
  Personally I hope she does come back but I can respect her decision if she doesn't.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[LizK]

She called me a few minutes ago to tell me that she was sorry for storming out like she did but that it's a lot for her to take and she needs time to adjust to this. She said I was free to continue down whatever path I choose but she just needs time to process this and she hopes to see what life has in store for her.

In the end, after she has time to digest this she may come around. At least she called which is a good sign.

Maybe this is about the best thing that could have happened...she loves you...she wants this to work...if she was mad or did not care she would not have reached out to you. Be patient with her because if you can bring her on this journey along side you then it will be a much better outcome for you both. When she left you and stormed out she has obviously reacted to the situation but given time to think about it she has rung to say sorry.

This is your chance to shine...do something special for her if you can...simple is fine...let her know you understand how hard it is for her. Make her feel good. Make the outcome of this a positive one for you and her.

Liz

[Denise]

One thing that I did was five days in Orlando.  Disney is LGBT friendly, very friendly!  I packed 50/50 guys/gals clothes just in case.

Passing? No way!  I talked to a couple at a bar for hours.  It was better than therapy, and besides a few glasses of wine... Free!

Can you take a vacation somewhere for few days?

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[coldHeart]

I,m glad she called you back balerie that's a good sign, by the way you look stunning in your profile pic😏

[jentay1367]

This is your chance to shine...do something special for her if you can...simple is fine...let her know you understand how hard it is for her. Make her feel good. Make the outcome of this a positive one for you and her.

Liz

Pay attention to this woman's sage advice

[Balerie]

Pay attention to this woman's sage advice

Yes. This is definitely sage advice, especially in this prickly situation.

[Balerie]

One thing that I did was five days in Orlando.  Disney is LGBT friendly, very friendly!  I packed 50/50 guys/gals clothes just in case.

Passing? No way!  I talked to a couple at a bar for hours.  It was better than therapy, and besides a few glasses of wine... Free!

Can you take a vacation somewhere for few days?

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I used to take trips just about every month but lately I've been taking a break from travelling. Trips help me get in touch with myself.

[Balerie]

I,m glad she called you back balerie that's a good sign, by the way you look stunning in your profile pic😏

I'm so happy she called too. At least she's trying to work it out within herself.

As for the profile pic, that was a makeover with a fantastic makeup artist. I should be so lucky to reproduce that result myself. Today I tried and it went over pretty well. My therapist seems to think I could pass. As I was leaving the office, I was somewhat hesitant to walk out and find the next person waiting there but they were running late so I was relieved and somewhat disappointed that I had no audience for my exit. I'm getting silly I guess.

[jentay1367]

.......somewhat disappointed that I had no audience for my exit. I'm getting silly I guess.

We all like to look good, Hon. We are Women.... after all.