Hi! I'm 41, and finally just admitted & accepted what I've been hiding (& more than a little scared of) for 20 years or more - that I'm actually a woman.
Looking back, I can remember when I was pretty young, I'd sneak into my sister's room & play around with her perfume & makeup. Around age 16 or so, I would sneak into my parent's bedroom when they were gone & try on my step-mother's clothes. I was SO close to getting caught one time, that I never did it again.
I dated some girls in high school & just after, but something always seemed strange. Whenever I actually had sex that feeling only grew stronger - that something just wasn't right. I didn't understand what was wrong, and just gave up dating.
I don't remember how long after that it was before I decided to buy some sexy lingerie for myself, and wore it only for, you know... personal time. I quickly discovered how much I enjoyed it, and continued to do so, even trying fake boobs (cheap strap on ones), and It just kept feeling more right. Eventually I moved on to actual women's clothing, and started wearing it often when I was home alone.
It was also about that time that I realized that I was actually more attracted to men than women, and started thinking deep down that maybe I shouldn't actually be a man. Unfortunately, it kind of freaked me out, and I didn't act on it, shoving down & bottling up pretty much all my feelings.
This lead me to, as you might imagine, be rather angry & bitter. I started pushing everyone around me away, terrified that someone might find out (I still cross dressed at home quite often). So I lived alone, never dating, only rarely hanging out with the 3 guy friends that stuck by me anyway. I also started becoming very depressed. It got so bad, especially after a rather complicated situation with my father & step-mother, plus my incredibly low self-esteem issues, that I actually started contemplating suicide.
Thankfully, I never gave in to this.
Then about a month ago, something deep in me broke, and started to realize there was nothing wrong with my wish to be a woman. I wanted to stop being lonely & afraid all the time. I wanted to be with people, to have a relationship & do all the things I kept seeing everyone else doing. I started researching the transition process, and trying to make some plans.
It wasn't until just last night that I took my first major step forward - I came out to my best friend (who I love like a brother - well, maybe more so considering my considerable family issues) who's stuck by me no matter how much of a jerk I was, and his wife (who's done a lot for me over the years, too). And you know what? They were more supportive of my decision than I ever could have hoped!!
I tried so many times to tell them before, but I kept chickening out. I'm so glad that I finally had enough courage to do it! I cried all night - but in happiness! the first time I've truly felt this good in years!
Now here's where I'm facing a major problem going forward. I grew up in the Kansas City area (Prairie Village to be exact), and as an adult moved around a bit, and am now living in a small town still in Kansas (pretty much because it was so cheap to live here & I couldn't find any other jobs). Unfortunately, this is a pretty small town with about 50% ultra-religious conservative types, and the other 50% are angry drunk rednecks. I just don't see a way to actually go out in public as a woman (I literally fear for my life in that regard - and I'm pretty sure the local police wouldn't lift a finger to help me.....).
I really need to move to a more LGBT friendly area, which would also necessitate a new job (I've had the same job for 12 years, and I'm really going to miss it). I'd love to move back to the Kansas City area (or Lawrence). I don't really have any specialized skills, I'm more of a jack (jill?) of all trades, so I'm a bit worried on that front.
Anyway, I've sent a request to the Transgender Institute of KC for a consultation, and I'm hoping they may also have some advice about my living / job situation, too. While I'm up that way, I'm also going to talk to one of my other friends who actually lives up there. I'm pretty confident he'll be understanding too (fingers crossed!!!), and may be able to help me with the living / job situation, too.
I also really need to get some laser hair removal on my face (to start with). I've looked into both professional services & home devices, and am somewhat torn as to which to go with. There's some places that do groupons that make the service much more affordable, but some of the reviews of these places are pretty iffy.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm still kinda (ok, more than kinda) scared about everything ahead of me, but also super hopeful, too! I'll gladly take any & all advice anyone here can give me.
