K, this is kinda weirding me out but in a great way, but in someways i feel like my inner brain is trying to block it or ''protect'' me from I guess feeling vulnerable with real emotions. I dont know if this is actually true or just a form of stereo typing/superstition but I have relzied old feelings that i havent felt probably in over a decade (?) are coming back since I doubled my E not too long ago. I am having a very unusrual amount of empathy for others. It kinda started in March, I saw a dog get their leash yanked on really hard and i felt very upset for the dog as i hope it wasnt hurt. Not too long ago i would say say ''not much i can do''. But I really liked that dog. Recently, i had felt empathy for co-workers. Some I like others i am nuteral about.
There is this girl at my grocery job for example who doesnt shut up and likes to make stories. Well one of my co-workers called her out which i had to be done, but the general sense in my department is they are not fond of her. Oddly enough, i feel bad for her for that. I personally think she is ok, just needs to get it together. Then at my cooking job I was getting really annoyed at this guy for being a bit mouthy that i kinda in a weird way told him off and made it known that i didnt like him. Aprrently he was mouthing off to others (apperently, i didnt see that myself though) and was calling in sick so my boss sacked him. Again, i feel bad for him. I litterly was thinking to myself like ''why cant this guy just get his act together, he could of been here'' and i was actually kinda hoping that he gets it together and saying to myself and such that he wasnt a bad guy either. Lastly (for this paragrapgh), there is this other girl about 7 years older then me who i really like as a friend. She is so sweet, caring, hard working, nice and in many ways innocent still. She is just a great person you are glad to call a friend, but you can tell she has a video-gaming/nerdy side to her, which now and days i actually think is cool
... But I feared that she faced bullying at some stage and she did get bullied growing up as she opened up to me. I was about the idea she may have been and then very sad about the fact she infact was because she is just too nice of a person, and then it made me realize that there was a time I bullied people in middle school and high school. Almost always to entertain my peers. But I shamefully admit I was a bully, especially in Grade 7,8,10 and 11. Granted I got a lot of bullying done to me to. But none the less it made me reflect on how i was bullied for being ''different'' and then I in turn would bully others for being ''different'' to score brownie points with people who largley dont care for me anymore.
I guess this is all just weird for me. I used to be a super sensitive kid until about age 9 or so when I bottled all my feelings up and such largley to stop being a lil kid and to stop being a ''sissy'' and to be some version of a ''man''. Now, it seems harder to do. I find myself actually feeling emotions I havent felt in so long, yet i still seem to be afriad to embrace them. Its like my mind tries to find that ''comfort zone'' still even tho that place is worse. I guess even though I am stronger these days then I probably ever have been in my entire life, i am afriad to let others see me as vulnerable and I am araid to be vulnerable with emotions.
Again, I dont know if this is due to E... but I seem even more empathetic as the days go by...
