I came out to my wife, but..

[Ric]

      Hello, I'm new to this kind of forum. I'm 31, married, been with her about 7 yrs, married 3 and half. We have 2 children. She knew almost from the beginning  of our relationship i had a fetish for panties, but I wasn't a hundred percent honest about who i truly was, and to be honest, I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted. When I was younger I would wear my cousins dresses, shoes, and whatever girlie stuff I could doll myself up with. I've always felt I should of been a girl, and always wanted to be one. I was caught by my grandmother one day and she had a nice long talk with me, made me feel really silly about it. So from that day on I never brought it back up.
I felt so embarrassed and it hurt my heart to have someone so close just push it away, like I would grow out of it one day. I guess I kind of believed, maybe I could too.

    Now I'm married and have a loving family, but for some reason it doesn't go away, I still have that same feeling I had as a kid, I still feel trapped in another person's body. This isn't who I am,or who I wanna be. With my wife she knew about the panty wearing. She actually told me she likes it. This is where I should of talked more about my feelings and who I  truly feel I am, but I figured I could keep these feelings locked away. Well, I couldn't and i shouldn't of, but I did. I messed up. I ruined her life, I ruined my kids life. They deserve better then this. My heart truly hurts. My wife has pulled herself back from me a bit, and I can't blame her. I feel like my grandma was right.
God made me who I'm suppose to be.

           I guess I'm kind of venting and just want to talk about it, with anyone that can relate or w/e. Idk what to do. I lived my whole life trying to be a good person and take care of all the things I should as an adult and as dad, but now I'm flipping everyone's world upside down. I know this will hurt a lot of my family and friends. Maybe hiding is the best option for my life. If i could go back and change how all this happened i would, but i know i gotta except my faith. Hopefully I can keep my Wife and kids, but this is a lot to ask out of anyone. 

  Nice talking to you fine people. I just really wanted to let that out and this was the first place I came across. Sorry if I posted it in the wrong spot or did anything rule breaking.  It took me like 3 hrs to write this down and finally send it through.

[Tommi]

If you believe in God, and God, being omnipotent, and omniscient, means there is no free will, and could not, by definition, make a mistake. Then God made you transgendered. How is that not as beautiful and unique as any other individual?

Give your family some time. Hopefully they will accept you. I did a piss-poor job of coming out to my wife, but, with time, she is understanding and accepting more and more. At first she would stew all day while i was at work, then I'd have to come home and reassure her and talk her down. And she is a petty woman who really hates change. But the love is there, and our commitment to each other is, too. I hope your family comes around for you!

--
"You do realize, this means you get to do character creation & the newbie zone all over again? "

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ric, and welcome.

Many of us have been in the same position.  I cross-dressed before I met my wife and thought I could stop when I met her.  I couldn't.  That's the way dysphoria is: it doesn't ever go away unless you do something about it.

It sounds to me like you are probably on the transgender spectrum.  You owe it to yourself to explore that with a gender therapist to find out what you want and what you need, and to explore what will work for you in your real life.

Having a wife and kids complicates things.  How things work out depends partly on how they react.  You are right, it is a lot to ask of someone.  But some spouses and families are up to the challenge.  A therapist can help with this, but there are no guarantees.  Sometimes things work out; sometimes they don't.

God gives us challenges sometimes.  He made me transgender, and my challenge was to see if I could recognize that and become who He wanted me to be.

I hope you can find a way forward that will work for you and your family.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Young kid are pretty accepting as long as they know you still love them and will be there for them. Even older kids often have classmates that are transgender so they are comfortable around people who are transgender. You wife is another story and it seems to be about 50/50 as to if she will accept you or if there is going to be a problem. Hind sight is always 100% but there are steps you can take to make this easy. One of our member originally faced the issues of having a MTF partner but in therapy made the discover of being non binary. The thread on how to not blow up your marriage is here. It might prove useful in preserving your marriage.

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[Ric]

I really appreciate you taking the time and talking with me. I was super nervous opening this back up and thought about just leaving it alone, but that's not an option for me anymore. I got a lot of research i need to do. I guess I was looking for an answer to this, but that's something only my family and I can figure out. Its nice to know im not the only one out there. At times it does feel that way. I'm so happy i did talk to her about it, she's not understanding now, but I feel with time she might see who i am.  Much love to you all for being there for people, it really helps letting this out. I feel like my load got a bit lighter! 😚

[AlyssaJ]

Ric, my story is very similar to yours.  I'm almost 40 and just came out to my wife in September. I crossdressed most of my life and shared that with my wife at numerous points along the way, however, I was never honest with myself (and therefore her) about who I really was.  I swore up and down I didn't want to be a woman, I wasn't transsexual, it was just a fetish, etc.  When the trapped feelings started turning into resentment toward my wife (who did not enjoy my crossdressing at all) and I started to feel major depression and had thoughts of suicide, I turned to a therapist.  Four months and 11 sessions later, I had stripped back enough of my denial to finally admit who I really was and see that the only path forward was transition.

Now I have a career, a long marriage (we were high school sweethearts) and three kids. Thankfully mine are older (the other has graduated college, the youngest is going into 8th grade) and they're handling it very well.  My wife on the other hand, not well at all.  She's clinically depressed, traumatized and has been hospitalized multiple times as a result.  She's getting better but doesn't want a romantic relationship with me anymore.  For now yet we're still married more for logistical reasons, but we're taking it day by day and not jumping to and drastic decisions at this point.

The guilt you express is something you're going to have to work through, accept and put behind you.  We were given a crap situation to work through in life and we've each done our best to deal with it.  We were taught early that our very essence was something shameful or freakish.  We were forced to hide who we were out of legitimate threats to our personal safety.  We tried to do the right things based on what society told us we needed to be. We need to just accept that we did the best we could and had society offered us a better space, would could have handled it better.

As you can see, I'm familiar with that guilt and I can tell you its the most damaging threat to your transition and the stability of your life in general.  It's take a lot of work with my therapist to get past it.  To justify putting my needs ahead of those I love the most. But it's what has to happen for you to survive this.  If you're not already working with a therapist, I'd strongly suggest you look for one that is experienced in working with transgender people.  Your therapist is your gateway into the journey of transition anyway and your sessions will prove very valuable if you're willing to open up and be honest.

I wish you all the luck as you start your journey, feel free to reach out to me via PM once you have enough posts to do so.

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

The only way I have found to deal with my dysphoria was to transition. As I grew older it was impossible for me to not transition. As stated earlier, being stable to deal with the changes was my biggest challenge. I really grew as a person through my transition. Hiding who I am nearly killed me.

[elkie-t]

Hi Ric,

I'm in more or less same situation, but just 7 years down the road. It ain't going easier as you growing older... Suppressed and negative emotions tend to add up and insults aren't easily forgiven and never forgotten. The key question comes back again and again, why I cannot have acceptance from a person who declared to be loving me, yet much easier available from strangers?

I don't have the ready answer for you, but if you don't want to regret every day your delay in separating/ divorce, to find a way to have open line of communication with your wife and find an acceptable and satisfying way for you to express your feminine side as much as you need. I don't know what it takes to be able to make it. Maybe it could be a psychologist, a marriage counsellor, or some people are capable of DIY... Remember, that you can still be parent to your children, even if you divorce and decide to transition. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

On another hand, I can totally understand if your wife wouldn't want to live with you, or wouldn't be interested in you sexually. After all I doubt any straight man would be really willing to live with his wife would she decide to transition into male, so you cannot really blame your wife for acting in a similar fashion.

So, try to work it somehow with her, try to keep honest communications, hire specialists if you think they might help to both of you. Maybe come out to her best friend and ask her advice (having to hide your secret from her BFF is the hardest thing according to my wife, being unable to discuss it with anyone - and positive reaction from BFF might alter your wife's point of view). But in the end, you should know that it ain't going away just because your wife said to you 'no'.

Hugs, Ellie

[LizK]

I really appreciate you taking the time and talking with me. I was super nervous opening this back up and thought about just leaving it alone, but that's not an option for me anymore. I got a lot of research i need to do. I guess I was looking for an answer to this, but that's something only my family and I can figure out. Its nice to know im not the only one out there. At times it does feel that way. I'm so happy i did talk to her about it, she's not understanding now, but I feel with time she might see who i am.  Much love to you all for being there for people, it really helps letting this out. I feel like my load got a bit lighter! 😚

You will find they are a pretty helpful bunch of people around here. You have started the journey, its scary at times but the joys are also there...I am sure you wife has much to consider, I have been married for a good few years and we are still together and talking about GCS so she may well want to stick with you many women do. Communication is the Key, keep talking, keep treating her as specially as you always do, show her you love her as much as always...she may need this reinforced a bit more but Hey its fun to do 

I hope it works out for you