Being "othered" and the choice for non-disclosure

[LiliFee]

Hey y'all,

I've been living openly as a transgender person for the last 9 years or so, and it's been a great ride. This experience has given me countless oppertunities to learn about myself, how gender expression varies from gender identity, and it has enabled me to show some other people these hard-learned lessons.

So.... I've had the privilege of 'passing' as cis for the last year or so, and it has slowly changed my attitudes on life. First and foremost, in the years before, I've always lived in open left-wing communities, participating in squatted houses or house projects. Most of my life has revolved around politics, basically everything ranging from anti-fascism to feminism, from eco-activism to helping out in LBGTI* related groups.

These left-wing communities I've been involved in were trans-inclusive, respecting my pronouns even when I wasn't on HRT and thus giving me an opportunity to develop myself. So, you'd say, all was well with the world. Yet my perception on this has shifted dramatically over the course of the last year. As I've kept a lid on my past when talking with strangers, I slowly got to see how cis-girls experienced life. Which also kinda sucked, but let's not delve into the male gaze and sexual objecitification for now. The biggest difference lay in how girls approached me.

Before, living in a tolerant niche of society, I always assumed that I got the 'girl' experience. Hell, that's what everybody called me. But boy, was I wrong about that one. Quick disclaimer: those people in the left-wing scene were sweethearts, most of them. Accepting me for who I was, listening and providing an open heart. The difference lies in that small sentence: "Accepting me for who I am". Because when they said that, I always assumed that they accepted me as a GIRL, with that being my identity and greatest wish. Some, not all, didn't see it that way though: they accepted me as a trans-girl. And there's a difference there, as I found out.

Long story short, my ex and I split last year, and this February we both moved to a place of our own. After I moved here, nobody seemed to notice I was trans, nor did they bother. That was a first for me, and later it turned out they really didn't have a clue! The new situation this put me in has been a huge relief for me. Because now, I do get gendered correctly. Not just the pronouns, I get gendered a cis-girl instead of a trans-girl. And there's a difference there, believe me! Girls are much more open, accepting and pull me into their stories time and time again. Of course I've had to learn and adjust as things happened, but to be honest: there's no going back for me. It's the total absence of stress, of having to cope and adjust, of having to swallow tiny but painful comments. Most of all: it leaves time for ME.

This brings me to the title of the topic: I've had it with being othered. Don't get me wrong, those years in accepting and trans-friendly communities were great. These people still have my heart, and some of them will be friends for life. But when it comes to my personal needs, they exceed being a trans-girl. I want the whole trans-thing to be gone, life is simply so much better when there aren't any strings attached. On that note: my SRS is coming up in 7 weeks, and with that being done, I'll be a woman in a body that corresponds to my gender identity. To me, that's the definition of being cis. I don't want to hide myself from the world, there will always be people who know my story. But, for the most part, I'll just be me. xD

[kellypatrick]

Seems to me you are sauingyour better than us.

Sent from my LGLS755 using Tapatalk

[LiliFee]

Seems to me you are sauingyour better than us.

Sent from my LGLS755 using Tapatalk

No, that's not what I said. It's me describing a part of my story, of shifting perspectives. That story is in no way related to your experiences.

What I'm trying to describe is my feelings towards being gendered correctly, and of finally getting to a point in life where I feel at ease. What that entails for me, and how I got there. With me being a transgendered person that story belongs here, on these boards.

All I'm asking is for you to allow me to be happy, after all of these years. Perhaps it'll help you too, in a way

[Shy]

Really glad you are finding a place yourself:)

I was talking to my parents about this only yesterday. I said to them that I just want to live an invisible, normal life.
I don't want to be special, stand out or demand peoples attention because I am different. Jus plain old normal.

I'm just beginning my journey, so I don't pass that well, and there is a naivety about me. But already i'm starting to see glimpses of change and social integration that I've never experienced before. Trans is just one part of my nature, I don't want it to define me. labels are for boxes and nobody wants to live in a box.

Best wished for the SRS

Peace and love and all that good stuff

Sadie

[SadieBlake]

My relationship with several women changed radically when I came out as trans - which also entailed letting people know the intent to proceed to GCS.

I will probably never have the option of passing so yes I think the thing you're experiencing now will never be one of my experiences. On the other hand I will also never live outside of the liberal-tolerant environment.

Still I have experienced a similar calculus of changed relationships. It's not even all positive but for the most part I really like those places where I'm now accepted as one of the girls.

[Denise]

I know of what you speak, but only in tiny spurts.  I can totally understand the feelings, but I believe it's important to have that "trans" time.  After all this is a transition.

Have you noticed that most of the people here are new.  There are a few "old timers" but they are scarce. 

Your "transition" is at its end while others of us are still on the journey.  Thank you for the note "from the other side." There is hope for all of us.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Dee Marshall]

At three years here I like to think that I'm one of the old timers. I can't speak for anyone but myself but I've noticed that I post less frequently and start new threads less often. I think more of us are here than you might think, but we speak less.

[JMJW]

Girls are much more open, accepting and pull me into their stories time and time again.

What kind of stories were you excluded from before?

[Barb99]

Seems to me you are sauingyour better than us.

Sent from my LGLS755 using Tapatalk

Please don't look at it that way. I understand what the OP is saying and pretty much feel the same way. For me transitioning has always been a journey with an end goal. I have reached that goal, I'm still working on some refinements but I consider myself a woman and will leave the transgender label behind as much as possible.
I don't consider myself better or worse than anyone else. I simply consider one journey complete and a new life journey beginning.
I transitioned openly and made several trans friends along the way. They and all of my long time friends that supported me will always be my friends, I will not turn away from any of them.
Please understand that the goal of transitioning (at least for me) has always been to become and live as a woman.

[RavenMoon]

I know of what you speak, but only in tiny spurts.  I can totally understand the feelings, but I believe it's important to have that "trans" time.  After all this is a transition.

I agree. And the key word is "transition."
After you have transitioned (past tense) you are done.

So are you then a "trans woman" or just a "woman"?

Not saying we need to hide who we are, but it's like the thing with gay friends I have. They go around saying they are gay. They might wear a t-shirt with gay slogans. But why? Straight people don't do that. Why draw more attention to yourself?

My goal is to just blend in. As much as any 60 year old with purple hair anyway. Lol.

Currently everyone knows me as a guy. But they see I'm androgynous. No one at my job asks if I'm trans. But people I'm closer to have. But I'm just me. I don't need to broadcast it.

Hopefully in the not too distant future I'll be able to have a cashier call me "ma'am."  But I'm not there yet. [emoji3]



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RobynD]

Everyone has different goals and perspectives and i respect the OP's views on herself. There are also many many people that see themselves differently so the battle there and the need for allies continues. I have no idea if i will refer myself generally as woman or trans woman in the future, but i say woman a lot now because that is what i am. I will always and i mean always be part of the greater LGTBQi+ community.

The whole concept of intersectionality addresses the subject of "checkboxes" and how oppression is a system design. We either eliminate the oppression or support it in my view, no matter what your identity. To all, I invite you to help or continue to help the the team that is taking it down.

[FinallyMichelle]

I agree with both Lili and Charley.

I live in a rural area, so I have never been part of the community, there is no community here. I have two very close, love them to death, trans friends that I have only known via phone, Skype, email, that sort of thing. They are stuck with me forever. I have recently started to reach out to find local trans people, hoping that I can help them in some way. Tiny groups, and none like me who live now and hereafter as a woman. That really doesn't qualify as being part of the community though does it?

This has always been a journey with a destination for me. Here you are a girl or a boy. I have reached girl. My nav system has stopped giving me arrows and just has one last instruction. GRS! GRS! GRS! It's quite insistent. I just scheduled my consult today and if all goes well I should have my surgery before February. I have moved, changed jobs, everyone just knows me as Michelle. I AM where I have always wanted to be. I want to help others if I can but transition? Our journey never ends, but this part of mine has. It has taken so much of my time and effort and I am just ready to move on. Just be for a while and not struggle with showing the world me being me. I want to focus on my love now, on my friendships, on my retirement, on my hobbies or just where I want to go on vacation this year. Transition has never been a way of life for me, just a way to a better life.

As to being "othered" by well meaning people. Oh I get that. I have two girlfriends that ONLY treat me as a girl. So I have always seen the "other" wall. It's been stressful at times. Now I am back to the world of girls and boys. There is no "other", there is just me and them. What's inside and outside of me, for the first time in my life, is exactly what the world sees and how they treat me. It's more liberating than anything I could have ever hoped for. All I have to do is drive 50 miles and have lunch with girls, who really are friends by the way, to be "other" again. So I don't. When they call and ask if I want to go to the canal and have lunch on the deck, or go shopping in King of Prussia I always find a reason to say no. I hate it, but there it is.

It's not good or bad, it just is. I am not trying to hide, I just want to be one of "us" from now on. I have never had that. I don't want to fool anyone or take anything from cis women or imply that trans is less, I just want to live a life without shadings of perception. Today I walk in the sun, as myself completely, for the first time and I belong here. I don't want to go back to that small, dark place where my "us" is just me and everyone sees me as "other".

If I am to be judged for that, so be it. I have paid my dues in this life and I owe no one. Come what may, this is where I am ment to be and here I will stay.

Michelle

[LiliFee]

Girls are much more open, accepting and pull me into their stories time and time again.

What kind of stories were you excluded from before?

Mostly subtle things. But, it's most noticable when there are a couple of girls together. It's a girl thing to 'synchronize', a comment is made, looks and laughs are exchanged and group cohesion is formed. All within a glimpse of an eye.

Before, that stuff almost never happened to me. When you grow up looking like a guy, you're exluced from it by other girls, and since guys don't do it in general, you're not really sure how to pick up on it or how to respond. That's the kind of thing that takes time. After a year, I'm just learning the basics, yet slowly it comes, like riding a bike or learning to swim. It has to do with respecting the group, of giving every attendee an equal share of it. Stepping back one step more, letting them talk more, listening more. When you do that, they see it and respond in kind. That's when the looks are exchanged, the laughs come and the real girl-talk can begin

One note : this honestly IS one of the major differences between trans* and cis women. When perceived as a man, the world respects it if you've got an opinion. You respond to that, jumping into that expectation and voicing that opinion. Growing up a girl means people haven't got the expectation that you either know something or mean to change things. That also means they don't listen, so at a certain point, you just shut up and talk to the ones who do listen: other girls.

Don't take me wrong, but this is something we as trans-women should learn. We sometimes tend to barge into female groups and or spaces, proclaiming our rights like we've been taught. This is male privilege! I'm pro-trans rights and I certainly don't defend TERF argumentation, but I do think the story has two sides. You don't walk into a group of women, start proclaiming your femininity and claiming the space and converstation like that, like you've got the right. Being a woman means listening first, carefully, attentively. Then, maybe, you can explain what it was like growing up a trans-woman.

[FinallyMichelle]

Mostly subtle things. But, it's most noticable when there are a couple of girls together. It's a girl thing to 'synchronize', a comment is made, looks and laughs are exchanged and group cohesion is formed. All within a glimpse of an eye.

Before, that stuff almost never happened to me. When you grow up looking like a guy, you're exluced from it by other girls, and since guys don't do it in general, you're not really sure how to pick up on it or how to respond. That's the kind of thing that takes time. After a year, I'm just learning the basics, yet slowly it comes, like riding a bike or learning to swim. It has to do with respecting the group, of giving every attendee an equal share of it. Stepping back one step more, letting them talk more, listening more. When you do that, they see it and respond in kind. That's when the looks are exchanged, the laughs come and the real girl-talk can begin

One note : this honestly IS one of the major differences between trans* and cis women. When perceived as a man, the world respects it if you've got an opinion. You respond to that, jumping into that expectation and voicing that opinion. Growing up a girl means people haven't got the expectation that you either know something or mean to change things. That also means they don't listen, so at a certain point, you just shut up and talk to the ones who do listen: other girls.

Don't take me wrong, but this is something we as trans-women should learn. We sometimes tend to barge into female groups and or spaces, proclaiming our rights like we've been taught. This is male privilege! I'm pro-trans rights and I certainly don't defend TERF argumentation, but I do think the story has two sides. You don't walk into a group of women, start proclaiming your femininity and claiming the space and converstation like that, like you've got the right. Being a woman means listening first, carefully, attentively. Then, maybe, you can explain what it was like growing up a trans-woman.

This ^^ Only this. Forget my post, it's lame.

This is what I am working on. God, you put it so well. For me it feels like I am catching up.

[Aurorasky]

I really empathize with this post. I can understand how one might have the need to connect with people who share the same struggle as us, trans allies, and people who are informed (or should be ideally) about our lives, in order to help us.

But, the truth is talking non-stop to other people about things trans only, trans only struggle and drama gets old really quick. Sometimes, you just need to move on so you can live your life and stop thinking about a condition which plagued your childhood. Because that's how I see my transsexuality, as a medical condition which was treated. I'm sure opinions differ and it's okay they do, but I am sticking to mine. I think I was born this way and only did what was logic for my development.

You see, I am really a cliché but I was this femme kid since I can remember. My grandmother confirmed I was really stubborn as a child, I only wanted girl things and dolls. Growing up, I started having crushes on boys, had lots of girl friends but then puberty hit and bullying got relentless. A lot of happened in between but needless to say I transitioned at 18. The truth is most of my life because I was small, light, high voiced with a baby face and no facial hair. I was treated condescendingly by most people, looked down upon, and talked down to. I know what it's like.

Male privilege exists in layers, and you only get all of those if you fit a certain image in people's minds. Due to my previous image, I barely got any. I was harrassed for my femininity constantly. After HRT, I quickly started passing, so what I noticed is most of what I experienced before continued to be true with the add on of sexual harrassment and girl group dynamic. I finally can completely socialize with girls, feel at ease and share so many similar experiences. Of course it's not all easy and nobody should think girl groups are all flowers and rainbows, but they're not storms either.

So, yeah, sorry for the tageant, what I mean to say is that if your goal in transition is to live just as any other woman, let go of all the labels. Don't carry that sign, which immediately identifies you as something else. Obviously passing helps a lot and some have to work more at it than others. But, more importantly you don't owe anyone your medical history: you tell who you trust, and even then, you don't have to. That's my opinion. The only people whose business it is is the people you have been with you since ever, and the people you are sleeping with, lol. Even then, your call, but there might be other factors involved.

Anyway, thinking that being open about this medical status won't change the way people view you is a bit naive. It does. Not always. But it takes a really open-minded and spirited person not to. So if you really choose to be completely open about it, you have to be ready for people to treat you somewhere from slightly to very differently than other women, attitudes you won't be able to control 100% or else it will erode your mind. So, that requires of you to be able to accept living as a trans person, whose gender will be defined by other people. Sometimes it will fit your identity, sometimes not.

EDIT: to anyone who is tempted to think that by acting this way I am supporting oppression, this couldn't be further from the truth. I always stand up against ignorance and prejudice whenever I see it. But standing up against something doesn't mean you have to give away personal information. Just to clarify.