Hello! Am I in the right place?

[One_t_Wheat]

Hello!
Inspired by a Janet Mock interview on Huffington Post to identify as a Trans Oriented Man, combined with inspiration from the Vanity Fair article: Call Me Caitlyn (Jenner) to live a more authentic, integrated life, has led me here. From the age of 10 on, there has been an attraction to the combined energy of female and male (adopted cousin Debbie by day and adopted cousin David by night)  combined. When just 21, there was Jim, an older man, who took my male virginity, then John and Jeanie, a  married couple that I joined for a time. At age 63, and having been on my death bed thrice (Scot, you may have eight weeks to live without treatment for Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma Cancer-then congestive heart failure due to infection-then hypercalcemia), I must find my way back to when life was complete. It has been safer to retreat to marriages with genetic women.
    Something clicked inside when Janet suggested men who love Transwomen needed support too...my self image has been that my role is to be tough. To accept that I am vulnerable when openly TOMan was...puzzling, with relief. Life is good when filled with give and take; filled with taking turns being top or bottom. Interdependence is good. I miss the times when I was free to be with what back then was a transvestite person, or a cross dresser, or drag queen; all old terms. The 1970's is so long ago; even 1990, when I last was with a trans person, is long ago and far away. So what? So today, with financial means, I would return to the places where it was possible to just relax and be with people authentically. Being called gay or bisexual never seemed quite right.
     When on Trans dating sites, it has been thrilling to contemplate meeting, dating, a transperson who I can share both sides of life at once. However, due to the damage done by trauma in my life, I need to clean up my life a bit first; it seems I would need to sell my home and move where my lifestyle could be accepted. More healing is necessary.
    Is this the right place for me?
Thanks, Scot.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Everybody is welcome on the site as long as they obey the rules. One things that isn't exactly clear from your post is why you are here. Susan's place is a medical information site and not a dating site. We have Significant others on the site and a few relationships have formed between members but forming relationship in the process of transitioning can be harmful to people with raw emotions as the result of transitioning. It is acceptable for you to enjoy the company of the other members but respect the needs of the other members.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[V M]

Hi 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[One_t_Wheat]

Dena:
I have invested time on two dating sites, Transgender and an Asian based one Ladyboys. I became clear I needed more exposure to the culture of the new Transgender world. 1990 (27 years ago) was my last contact/relationship. Most of my contacts had the sexual element, starting almost 50 years ago. I nearly died several times-2009 & 2012- and had to answer the question of who I am really.
I was badly burned during chemo therapy May 20th, 2009, blamed for it, nearly died from an infection leading to sepsis, then nearly died from related conditions April 9th, 2012. Only now am I really able to reach out. It pretty much has to be somewhere other than here in Homer. Dating, bars, are not the right fit. How am I to learn to fit in if I don't reach out?
One real issue for me is needing to go to a church like Metropolitan Community Church, where maybe someday I can marry a trans person.
     Aside from the neurological changes my brain experienced during all the surgeries, the psychological orientation I need is not appropriate on a dating site or bar. I have an old friend who likes to cross dress me when we can get together in another city, but that is not my main orientation. I am versatile.
As I believe I wrote, between Janet Mock and Caitlyn Jenner, it is clear to me I must find a way to live authentically as a Transgender Oriented Man before i  die. Death is a way to wake up!
  Maybe there is no place for me or my kind. How am I to figure out what I am if there is no place to learn how to relate to myself or others?
    Before 2009 I was a functional person, completing my AAS in human services with honors, while also being diagnosed with a mental illness; now I live on SSDInsurance and work when I can.
    If I am in the wrong place to seek support and understanding of a man loving transition women, then a referral that is non-pornographic would be appreciated.
My physical health is compromised, my financial health is compromised, my spiritual health gets stronger as I persist.
Ideally I would live where the LGBTQ community thrives, so I could just meet people who are Buffalo Bills fans, go to church, or enjoy shooting. I need help finding my feet in the community where sex is not the leading motivator.
Writing helps with my PTSSymptoms, one part of which is the sense I will never be complete without a Trans wife.
Thanks for the site and the administration thereof.
God bless you and Susan.  Scot.

[Dena]

We have other people who feel as you do on the site though I haven't seen them around much lately. Wanting to learn more about us and being willing to treat us properly is something we appreciate however the moderator staff on the board is pretty active. We have about 10,000 reports on file of moderator actions we have taken over the history of the site and we add to it daily. As long as we don't need to write reports on you, you are more than welcome here. I mention this only  so you are aware that this isn't your normal board and so there won't be issues in the future.

As I said, relationships have formed on the board but most of the members have a higher priority issue they are dealing with. Give others time to know you and who knows what might turn up in your PM in basket.

[Rayna]

I use Susan's as a social gathering place, and I think many others do too.  As Dena said, it's not a dating site and attempts to start a relationship here would mostly be viewed as inappropriate. Your goals are still a little unclear to me. But we'll be happy to engage socially, answer questions, offer help where we can.  Welcome!
Randy

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[One_t_Wheat]

Hello, RandyL:
Thank you for your reply.  A few tears tried to get out of my eyes...

     It seems clearer from feedback comments on this site, so far at least, that there is more work to be done to tell my story in an authentic, cl,ear meaningful way.
     My goal is to get my head, heart, and life squared with my true community, which seems to be well represented here.

I am a romantic, in love with love. When I met my first...transperson, in mid 1970's, it was a revelation!!! Being in Fort Worth, Texas area, it was a lot like home in Montana or Alaska. While I had had some same sex experiences (1964, 1974 or so etc.) I had never been to a gay bar, let alone one the size of the one I first was taken to-to visit. I was bathing in the normality of this huge group of folks, who were all cowboy, albeit a bit urban. The Wheat Ranch near Dillon, Montana, is/was a part of my heritage. We have a registered brand in the brand book. I tend toward the cowboy way. I can ride again after the troubles of 2009-2012. I had been shot out of the saddle, so to speak, and now I need to ride in a Pride Day parade. Not this year, I suppose. I will at least ride some this summer.
So what? Are you able to remember a time when you were only vaguely aware of being different than the statistical norm for sexual orientation?
After line dancing the night away in a western saloon, there was a show...God knows what moved me to leap up on the stage (Planter's Rum Punch's?) and lip lock a person named Elizabeth. She was a profile in courage! She even came home with us, and allowed me to get to know her very personally. It was necessary to return to the TAPS (Trans Alaska Pipeline System) with my job as air track driller,rather than pursuing that path.
In 1990, in Anchorage, Alaska, I met a person who dressed like Elizabeth, was quite forward, and ended up wearing my hat at church. The Metropolitan Community Church was a second huge revelation. The Blue Moon on Friday and Saturday nights, then church on Sunday with a special friend. I needed that sense of peace with other Christians who could look at us as a couple, and not blink an eye, or if they did, it was a loving, supportive eye.
At some point I need to have a conversation about the parallel between transforming ones body to fit the inner person's sexual orientation & my work with tattoos. In my case, my reaction to being treated as a...deviant person (), was to invest heavily in tattoo ink. Back, Belly, head, neck, arms, etc. I can never be mistaken as a normal person again. Not white, rather colored. Wearing the colors rather than just talking about being different.
As I have heard Caitlyn Jenner say, her loyalty is not to a political party, rather to her community. That is me; at age 63, there has to be a place for me. It may be that I have to sell my home and move to a more diverse, safer community. Since the election in November it has gotten ugly here.
If you have read this far, thank you. Scot.