Dysphoria/help

[warrenm]

Do any other androgynous (female born) people experience chest dysphoria? Also, any advice on how you may or may not have chosen to go on hormones and why?

[Dena]

I am not one of them but I have seen several on the forum that are interested on top surgery only. Others are considering testosterone however I warn them that they may not be able to control the results. Testosterone is very powerful and unless you are willing to experience all the results you should consider your options very carefully. We had one member who just wanted a few of the effects and though they could control it but the unexpected happened with a voice that broke. This left the difficult decision of quitting testosterone and living with a broken voice or remaining on it to fix the voice, ending up with a lower than desired voice and other more masculine changes.

[widdershins]

I'm also AFAB and non-binary. I'm currently on T, and I plan on getting top surgery of some type down the road. I'm unsure whether I want to go for full on masculine nipple placement or just a reduction--a lot if it depends on insurance, tbh--but I know I want a flat chest. It's impossible to be read as anything but female with breasts, but you can still be read as feminine without them if you decide to present that way that day.

T, for me, is a mixed bag, and, as Dena said, you can't pick and choose. If any of the permanent effects are going to cause more dysphoria, you really have to think long and hard about whether it'd actually be better than what you're dealing with now. Personally. I love the fact that my voice dropped and my muscle mass has increased and my face has slimmed out. I'm completely indifferent towards the body hair, odor changes, and clit growth. Not really a fan of the thinning head hair or the way the body weight redistribution has gone for me. Or the sweating and acne, but who is?

After considering the effects, I decided the positives outweighed the negatives. The voice dysphoria especially was a huge deal for me, to the point where I was having episodes of selective mutism. Your voice changes permanently and finishes dropping within a couple years, and I knew I could live with all the other permanent changes that typically happen within that time frame--body hair, clit growth, possibly hair thinning. So I figured T was worth it at least until my voice finished dropping.

Being on T has ended up helping my mental health a lot too, basically singlehandedly getting rid of my clinical anxiety. That alone is enough of a quality of life change that I may well decide to continue T indefinitely. If I do eventually find myself distressed by becoming too masculine, I may reconsider. The only permanent effect I can see myself potentially deeply regretting is male pattern baldness. Fortunately, while you won't grow hair that you've lost during T back, you'll stop losing hair when you stop T. I can always do so if that becomes an issue.

[N A]

Not sure if I'm androgynous or something else - I'm AFAB and would label myself as transgender, but I'm not planning to medically transition for various reasons. But I've been called androgynous before, so I guess I'm close enough what you're looking for to go ahead and share some thoughts 

On a bad day I hate all things feminine in me, on a good day I tolerate, chest included. I mean, my breasts are very pretty and all, and I don't mind touching them or anything but to me they look like something that does not belong to my body. And then there's this one thing I'm probably plain wrong about, but I honestly don't believe I could ever have a serious, romantic relationship with anyone as long as I have to live with this body that is not really mine. That would trigger dysphoria for sure.

That said, I have no intention to transition. Socially I'm already pretty much where I want to be, friends and family have since long figured out what I'm all about and do not treat me as a female, do not expect me to act like a female. Not that they would see me as a male, but rather something in between, which is fine. I'm not out at work, but I have taken my place there and feel at ease with workmates. Luckily, we don't have strict gender roles here where I live, even the language is gender neutral so I find it fairly easy to get by. Of course, when I meet new people I often get the feeling that they are assuming all things about me that are not true, but in all fairness I most certainly make stupid assumptions about other people all the time as well, so...

Second, my sex drive has been almost nonexistent for years, save for some random spells every now and then. I'm sure it's a side effect of this medication I'm taking on most days, and I admit it sounds a bit sad but it has been a lifesaver for me.

Yet one thing that is really working for me is that I don't have very feminine build, nothing extra on my hips, my breasts are small enough that sports bra is enough to make me look flat chested etc. Chances are I have some hormonal problem to begin with - there's also other stuff going on with me that points that way - but I never wanted to investigate this further at Doctor's office as I suspect they would just prescribe me estrogen, and I can't imagine putting that into my system voluntarily.

To conclude, I don't feel an urgent need to transition now. But it's not a "now or never" type of decision for me either, so if I later change my mind and decide that I want to fully transition then I'll do exactly that - I'm the one calling the shots here, after all. But right now I feel like I'm finally at peace with myself, and I want to enjoy that for a while without making any major changes in my life.

And if you are good at reading between the lines, you probably noticed that I'm also very scared and afraid of anything and everything. I would be lying if I said the prospect of taking hormones would not scare the hell out of me.

The only permanent effect I can see myself potentially deeply regretting is male pattern baldness. Fortunately, while you won't grow hair that you've lost during T back, you'll stop losing hair when you stop T.

Dude! Tell this to my hair. I'm sporting rather masculine hairline already, similar to what my brother has and while it looks nice now, I'm not sure I want to know how it'll look in ten years... And I'm not even on hormones, ffs...

[N A]

Sorry for spamming this thread but warrenm, I just noticed from your other thread that you are still very young (well.. from my point of view you are) and had I known that before replying, I would have written something else instead. At least I would not have it sound like refusing to go to a doctor is ever a good idea, as that could always backlash in some unexpected and unpleasant way. Nor would I want to make it look like having sex is the most important thing to do in adult relationships. It's not, but I know I have very high drive by default and that+dysphoria+other stuff in life just didn't work out for me. But for some others, this is no problem at all.

Anyways. I guess what I want to say now is that even though it doesn't feel like it, it will get better. Maybe it will take some HRT or top job, maybe it only will take time, but it will    Growing up as a trans was a horrible experience for me, but I survived and lead a happy life now, so I would know.

Besides, you are way ahead of me already. In your age I hadn't came out even to myself. I wouldn't know where to seek help, and I would not have dared to dream about top surgery, let alone HRT. Very proud and happy to see how young folks like you reach out, look for more information and dare to question the norm.