Hi Everybody,
My name is Zia and my pronouns are they/them/theirs. I'm a (by necessity) partially closeted non-binary trans guy. I'm in my early 30's and I've been working my way out of the closet for a few years. I currently subsist by spending all my social time in queer spaces and speculating on when/whether the aliens will be by to pick me up.
I'm hoping to find advice, camaraderie, and survival strategies as I wait to have safe access to transition options. I have a fifteen year old and co-parent with a very transphobic and abusive ex. It's the kind of thing that throws a long shadow--my kiddo was born when I was eighteen, and she's been leveraged to confine my choices in ways that extend beyond loving consideration of her welfare ever since.
She'll be eighteen in three years. Three years feels like such a long time to measure fear against misery. Not transitioning is not an option but I also have to minimize the risk of custody proceedings. I'd never forgive myself if she was forced to live full-time at her Dad's; she's very clear that she wouldn't stay long, and as a person who moved out at fifteen I can't stand the idea of her experiencing teen homelessness. I just don't trust a court (particularly in this political climate) to look at the reality of my life and home rather than my gender when deciding how to respond to a bigot throwing a legal tantrum. And here we are.
I'm struggling with the emotional costs of feeling invisible and dysphoric all the time. I also have two graduate degrees and a love for teaching; I want to get out of dissertation and adjuncting hell and move on to a job with some security and a basic living wage, which would be much easier if I didn't have to transition after the fact.
I feel stuck--I want to start the process to get access to T and then top surgery, I want to change my damn name, I want there to be some sliver of possibility that when another person expresses romantic interest they are actually seeing me in a way that isn't traumatic. I am lucky to have access to spaces where I can be myself and not be hyper-vigilant, but the split life thing is exhausting, and galling because it's not for my kid, who is strong and loving and bright and knows she is loved and couldn't care less about my gender, but because it MIGHT set off the kind of charming narcissist that radiates "I am an upstanding citizen" but also has a history of trying to get people committed for breaking up with him. Rock, meet hard place.
Also I like science fiction and wildly dramatic run-on sentences.
