Need help

[confusedandunsure]

So a little backstory of myself, I'm in my mid 30s AFAB. I have been secretly struggling with gender issues since my mid-teens. When growing up I never felt comfortable in female clothing even though I was made to wear them, because that's what "girls" were supposed to do. I grew up not wanting to play with dolls but help my dad fix the car or do other boy things. Anyways, into my teens I started to feel like I didn't fit in, mostly in myself, like I wasn't who I really was on the inside. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about this because I felt like I would get made fun of and people would think I was absolutely  crazy. I started to develope really bad depression and had thoughts of suicide because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I struggled through my depression and feelings throughout my teenage years, I never told anyone because of fear. In my late teens I met my current partner, who happens to be trans, I felt with them I could let myself go a bit but I never said anything about my feelings, I cut my hair extremely short and it was liberating even if it wasn't changing myself a ton, it was a small step and it felt good. We have been together for over ten years now and throughout that time I have still had the same thoughts I have had since I was a teenager, that i externally do not match what I feel I am internally. I stare at myself sometimes and wonder what I'd look like if I could actually look like how I feel, hell my dreams I'm not female I'm male. I don't know why it is so hard for me to talk to my partner about this, I know it shouldn't be. I have so many fears about opening up about this, about telling my family, about actually starting because of my job. My partner now knows though and it feels good to have let one person know but it's still very very scary at the same time. Within the past 3-4 my depression has reached an all time low, I'm on and take meds everyday but they aren't working I have bad thoughts pretty often but I'd never do anything because I couldn't leave my partner and I enjoy my career even though I'm scared ->-bleeped-<-less that if I do this I may not have a career afterwards, my family will disown me I'm pretty sure of it, and I I only have two really good friends that I feel like I could talk to that I know are open minded but I'm still afraid to lose them.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice, kind words, maybe some support. Anything would be greatly appreciated.

<Edit: No Foul Language Please>

[KathyLauren]

Welcome. 

Taking that first step and coming out to someone is hard.  And then the prospect of leaping from the comfort of the known, even if it doesn't fit, to the unknown is pretty scary.  I think just about all of us have been there.  The fears are not unreasonable, but take comfort in the fact that things sometimes turn out better than we expect.

I would recommend looking for a gender therapist.  It sounds to me like you could use some help in mapping out what kind of transition, if any, might work for you, and how to go about making it happen. 

If you have a therapist now, even if they do not specialize in gender issues, it will be helpful to tell them what you are feeling.  Knowing what is going on for you will help them manage your depression, and they may be able to refer you to a specialist.

[confusedandunsure]

Thank you for the reply! I have been looking into gender therapists in my area and have found quite a few actually but not sure if my insurance would cover that sort of thing... One is a very well respected therapist in the area as well. My problem is that I have always had really bad issues with opening up to people without getting horribly emotional and it is extremely embarrassing to me to become so emotional, and stumbling over my words. I have a horrible time expressing myself verbally as well. When seeing the therapist do you think it would be wrong of me to ask my partner not to come in with me? Its not that I dont want them there, but I don't know if I would be comfortable at first, do you know what I'm saying??

[KathyLauren]

The therapy is for you, not for your partner, so it would be quite unusual for them to be in the office with you during the therapy session.  Privacy is essential for therapy.  Partners are typically only invited if there is a relationship issue that requires their presence, or if you choose to have them there for your own comfort. 

[confusedandunsure]

Thanks Kathy ☺️

[Dani]

Yes, therapy is the place to start. If transition is for you, plan carefully. Many of us have in fact, lost jobs, faced financial ruin, lived homeless, been divorced and disowned. Picking up the pieces after transition depends on how well you planned and how strong you are emotionally. Some of us are late transitioners, like myself. I had to delay until everything was under control. The only thing I regret is not transitioning sooner, but that is another story.

It also helps to have a face to face support group of some kind.  You have an internet support group here at Susan's Place, but there is no substitute for personal interaction.

[EmmaLoo]

It sounds like your partner of 10 years is your best source for an ally and support. That is more than anyone could ask for if you ask me. Having someone like that who's familiar with the journey is absolutely ideal. It seems strange that you have a hard time talking about your gender issues with your Trans partner. I almost hate to throw this stereotype out there but...what a dude move! LOL. Regardless, If your partner is willing to be your #1 then approaching a therapist as a couple would be another big win for you.

Unfortunately, there's little you can do to control all the people and variables of transition. No matter how "easy" it goes, it's still difficult and comes with a lot of bumps and bruises. Having your partner on board will go a long way to smoothing out the road ahead of you.

[confusedandunsure]

It shouldn't come as a shock that this whole thing is very awkward for both of us to talk about. Personally I have always had issues with opening up to people and talking about my feelings and I think it's probably because of how some serious issues were handled in my childhood, hence why I need to see a therapist. However, we have discussed some of the issues that will come up, some of the issues that I know that he went through. We have discussed my transition, if I choose to do so, while going through school to finish my degree, changing my name, even picking names. He is behind me 110% in whatever I choose to do in this and is my biggest supporter, I couldn't ask for a better partner/person to go through this with.


That's my ultimate fear, being disowned by my family... which I know will more than likely happen by 90% if not more of them. The only people in my family that know about my partner are my father, his sister and husband (my aunt and uncle) and their kids. My aunt and uncle were surprisingly okay with it, which was a shock but my dad was the ->-bleeped-<- that posted anti-trans stuff on social media along with the rest of my family when the whole HB2 thing started here in NC.

I do plan on seeking out a gender therapist in my area, I think that's probably the best option for me at this point. Not only for my identity issues but for my ongoing depression that has been uncontrolled for so long.

It's comforting to know that there is actually someone out there that will respond. Even though I don't know any of the people that have read or commented on this post, its reassuring to have others to talk to, this is a HUGE stress reliever for me. Thank you so much for the input so far!

[LizK]

Hi confusedandunsure

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Regards

ElizabethK
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[confusedandunsure]

Elizabeth,

My apologies for the words, I can let my words get away from myself when I'm trying to express myself and they just come spilling out. I honestly apologize, and from now on I will think I should probably type in Word, edit and then post.

[LizK]

Elizabeth,

My apologies for the words, I can let my words get away from myself when I'm trying to express myself and they just come spilling out. I honestly apologize, and from now on I will think I should probably type in Word, edit and then post.

These things happen from time to time in the passion of writing. As long as you remember families and young kids read this stuff all the time so we would like to keep it PG