No point

[amberwaves]

You may feel that way.  I certainly have for most of my life.  I felt like a black hole that just consumed everything and gave nothing back.  That doesn't mean your perception matches reality.  Chronic emotional abuse undermines your ability to distinguish between negative perceptions and objective reality.  Your feelings are valid, in so far as you feel them and believe them.  Unfortunately, they are incredibly harmful to you long term.  I know it's difficult.  I've lived that negativity rollercoaster.

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[Wednesday]

Im really sorry your past experiences with therapists went that bad.

Anyway I must say sometimes takes a little while and several attempts to find the right doctor, specially if yours is not an easy case. I remember I had to drag my mum a few hundred miles from home and through several clinics to get a doctor able to fix her problem. Please dont desist in seeking help.

Also may be a good idea to go to therapy alone, or at least without her being present in the first appointments.

Wish I could help more.

[DownwardSpiral]

Even if I did go to therapy again, she wouldn't go... I suggested couples counselling a couple of years ago, her response was "I don't have a problem..." Her attitude is one of the things stopping me trying again, after every session she interrogated me, and if I didn't give sufficient information I was accused of being secretive, a liar, a dark horse... Sometimes the stuff was too painful to go over again, but she thinks she has a right to know what went on. Anything other makes me a liar.

[VeronicaLynn]

Take this with a grain of salt as I'm someone who has never been in a serious relationship, but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

[RobynD]

You are being abused by someone that is supposed to be your ally and a source of support. Emotional abuse is not as blatant as physical abuse but it is just as horrible. Do not leave things at status quo from that standpoint, no matter what you do on the gender thing.

It is far better to be alone than to be abused and devalued as most people will attest to that have left such situations.

Get the therapy - protect and distance yourself from the abuse and then if she is wanting to work on keeping you, address it through couples counseling.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but you do not have to live like that.

[DownwardSpiral]

I don't have an answer to her accusations though, as I am guilty as charged. I have been secretive and deceptive. I have held stuff from her. I have had a double life, having to sneak away to let my "female side" out. The fact that I knew she wouldn't approve, the fact that I was/am ashamed of my feelings, doesn't excuse it. She's made it plain how much I have hurt her. She's made it plain that I am to never speak of my "other side" again, unless of course she needs a stick to beat me with.

I know I should have told her of my feelings when we first met... I thought I could pack that side of myself away. I know I have been and still am being, stupid and cowardly. Some days I feel like walking down to the motorway bridge and jumping off. I feel that people hate me, despise me, look down on me. And there isn't any point any more.

[VeronicaLynn]

You were struggling with these feelings, and trying to just be the straight guy the world expects of you. She will never really understand how hard this struggle is, and she doesn't appear to even be trying.

It is a shame she got hurt, but what she's doing to you is not any better. If she's not willing to do counseling, the other option is just breaking up. This isn't a healthy relationship for either of you at this point.

Being single isn't really all that bad. If you choose to date again, just take what you learned and be open about being trans from the start.

[DownwardSpiral]

I've been struggling for most of my life. I've tried so hard to be what was expected of me, from my 20s to my early 40s I was the hard drinking macho biker, albeit one who dressed in his wife's frillies when home alone. It was as though I was playing a part. Nobody knew how I felt, when I was growing up nobody spoke of their feelings. My first wife wasn't interested in me, I left her for my current wife and for the first 18 months things were better, then she fell pregnant. Since then I seem to have assumed the role of scapegoat-cum-cash dispenser. I've lost the ability to stand up for myself, I know I ought to leave but I can't. And I don't know why. I've looked for answers, but always end up being dismissed as an attention seeker or a coward and a joke. And the spiral continues.

[jentay1367]

Well....I believe in creative visualization. In other words, what you anticipate, think about and see as your future are what you'll get. Everyone has a destination, and you have chosen to fail at transition. You place the burden of that failure on others, but your road map still seems to point to that inevitable failure. So really, there is nowhere else for you to go. Your username on this very Forum portends your general attitude and decision for where you're heading, your attitude seems to be pretty pervasive. If this is the attitude you have with your friends, peers and loved ones, it would be difficult for them to get on board with what "you think" you want. Before anyone can follow you where you want to go, you have to begin heading there with intent and purpose. The reality is that transition for most of us is a no choice proposition. Many of us need to align our bodies to our souls. Consequently, we forge ahead with dire consequences and heartbreaking loss in our wake. Yet we do not stop. We push forward and bite, scratch and kick our way to live as our authentic selves. It's easy for no one. Constantly finding reasons for why something can't happen will certainly bear the result you've experienced. The forces of the universe would allow nothing else.
     The first thing you need to do if you truly want to transition is to firstly believe that you can and secondly, to voice that emphatically to all you meet as often as you can. Without steadfast resolve, this journey is beyond difficult. With the attitude you've displayed, it's impossible. And if you choose to stay here? I'd suggest you change your username to something positive if not at least neutral.

[DownwardSpiral]

I didn't choose to be born this way. I didn't choose to suffer from crippling depression. I didn't choose to suffer from low self esteem to the point of self loathing.

I wish I could overcome these feelings. People tell me to "learn to love yourself" but I DON'T KNOW HOW.

I genuinely don't know whether transition is what I want any more. I've laid awake at night many times trying to rationalise stuff in my head. Two lots of therapy helped not at all.

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks I have wasted their time.

[zirconia]

Your words convey the pain you feel. I believe that all who read and reply do so because they hope they can help—so there's no need to apologize. It must feel like you are trapped and sealed within a door without a key. It sounds like you feel completely forlorn, and I for one merely hope that something you find here or elsewhere can make you feel less alone and help you find your way to peace and happiness.

[Royal Blue]

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship: please don't try to make life decisions until you're out of there and safe. Her worldview has become your worldview. You believe that you're a burden because you're being treated like a burden, and you're not in a position where you can evaluate your feelings without agonizing over how she will react.

Right now, your first priority should be making an escape plan. I promise that after you leave, you will eventually regain the ability to live for yourself first and foremost, even if it takes time. Once you reach that point, I'm sure you'll know whether transition is for you or not.

[DownwardSpiral]

Three months down the line and nothing has changed. I feel even more worthless than ever. Struggling to find a reason to keep on going. just been away for a week and feel that I'm surrounded by people who hate me. I really am sick of life, sick of my inability to act, sick of feeling alone, sick of having every inadequacy pointed out in crushing detail. I'd love to believe that I'm not wortlhess but all the evidence points to the contrary. Don't even know why I'm botherng posting.

[Dena]

Getting better is difficult because you have to decide you want to get better. You will have to lay down new rules for living with your wife and if she can't abide by them, you will have to separate from her. Many of us decided that we would risk losing our wife or family when we made the decision to transition. Sometimes we were accepted, sometimes it was a battle and other times we ended up going it alone. You have to decide what is the most important thing for you in your life and what price are you willing to pay to obtain it.

As for your wife, for now she has you exactly where she wants you. She expends minimal effort to maintain the marriage and is able to reap maximum benefits from the marriage. My boss had a similar wife who was very controlling and who made sure he didn't cheat on the marriage. Guess what, she was the one who cheated on him. I suspect if a better deal came along, your wife would jump at it and leave you by yourself. At the moment, the only thing holding this marriage together is your love for her. The question is your love for her stronger than your love for yourself?

[Sno]

Three months down the line and nothing has changed. I feel even more worthless than ever. Struggling to find a reason to keep on going. just been away for a week and feel that I'm surrounded by people who hate me. I really am sick of life, sick of my inability to act, sick of feeling alone, sick of having every inadequacy pointed out in crushing detail. I'd love to believe that I'm not wortlhess but all the evidence points to the contrary. Don't even know why I'm botherng posting.

The answer to that question is simple - you've posted, because we understand, and are here to support you, however you decide.

Rowan

[DownwardSpiral]

In my defence I was rather drunk when I posted that on Friday. Having pretty much given up some time ago, I consumed 4 bottles of beer that evening. I was feeling alone and this is pretty much the only online account I have left, just wanted to unload.

I don't have a support network, I have a sister who I haven't spoken to for 7 years after she poisoned the rest of the family against me - but if I say that she knew my first wife was having numerous affairs for years and didn't tell me, not because she didn't want to hurt me but because she was covering for her... maybe that will give some idea of the sort of person she is. I don't have any friends in the "real world", for reasons I've gone into in depth elsewhere, and somehow my "virtual friends" soon get fed up of me and go. Comments like my being "hard work" and that people "can't cope" with me are hard to take. So maybe you can see why I feel the need to apologise for my existence. As for my "love for myself", it's more a case of my self loathing... after years of being told how useless I am, by parents, family, through 2 relationships, it's hard to feel positive... it would be so nice to have someone to build me up but somehow I always end up being knocked down.

[Dena]

Often therapist use some form of medication to help the truth come out. On the other hand, good old fashion alcohol will sometimes work just as well. People commonly come to this site after hitting rock bottom which may be where you currently are. The question is what little step do you want to take first to make your life better? If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to find a therapist that works for you. A gender therapist would be better but at this stage, any therapist would help as long as you are comfortable with them and you make progress. Be honest and open with them and if you don't make progress in a reasonable amount of time, fire them and find somebody who works for you. I had two therapist that I wasn't able to make progress with and one that was an absolute gem.

[Steph Eigen]

Reading through your thread it seem apparent to me, as to just about everyone else here, that the first an foremost problem is your marriage.  You are functionally living in a cult situation where your wife is in control and keeps you under control with mental manipulation perpetuation your self deprecation, inability to initiate positive action to improve your situation and escape the cult of her control.  The fact that you see leaving this marriage as impossible is just one more symptom of the underlying problem.  There are surely features of your psyche and personality that predispose you to fall into this sort of cult-like situation, something you will need to figure out (painfully) with a therapist.

I am not a psychotherapist so what I am about to recommend is just my opinion and should be taken as such.  I am going to write very frankly.  Please don't take any offense in the directness or overall tone of what I write.  I am very concerned for you, seeing no end to this until you make some very difficult and probably terribly painful choices.  Much may seem to be a rehash of what others have written, but it warrants repetition.

I am sorry to hear that previous attempts with psychotherapy failed in your assessment.  I wonder if they challenged assumptions about the marriage or structure of your life that simple were too threatening for you at the time.  This is probably the case, possibly complicated by simply a bad fit of your personalities or perhaps the therapist was not particularly talented.  In any case, do not conclude that therapy is not useful or abandon future efforts to find a therapist who may be able to help.

To make any meaningful progress, you must:

(1) extricate yourself from your current abusive cult-like living situation,

(2) enter into therapy, probably best to start with a more skillful psychotherapist who will get to the bottom of your motivations and personality structures that got you into this terrible situation and help you grow to the point where you can thoughtfully address your relationships and gender issues with a clear mind,

(3) begin work on your gender concerns once your general psychological and life situation has been stabilized and you better understand your underlying personality and motivations and

(4) do not return to your current wife or enter another relationship until the difficult work of (1), (2) and (3) are well under way and you are thinking clearly, understand your gender concerns and have regained sound footing psychologically.

I cannot imagine how your current marriage could continue in a way that would allow you to regain a healthy productive state of mind or find any joy in life.  Perhaps the first thing needed, consistent with item (1) is to get past the idea that the marriage must persist, that you cannot leave it or end it.

Steph

[JoanneB]

... It's just simpler not to bother.

As regards my feelings of inadequacy and isolation... I've been on here before, tried to join in and contribute, but eventually people just seem to drift away, the support and help peters out, and I find myself back to square one. Frequently comments like "you don't want to be helped" are thrown at me. But for someone like me, who has spent a good deal of their life being crushed, starting with my parents, I just don't know how to kick back, how to love myself. And I usually end up with the distinct feeling that I'm wasting everyone's time.

It is far simpler not to bother. It is far simpler to down a few (too many) beers. It is far simpler to
have another slice or two of pizza with those beers. Best of all you get to feel even sorrier for your pathetic lot in life. Easy Peasy. Life Sucks and then you Die.

Been there, done that.  Maybe you don't want to put in the work? Maybe you might not like what you see or discover when you do? No way to control or predict that is there? Knowing what the results of doing nothing is predictable, nothing changes except for the worse.

As an engineer I like predicable things. I liked the surety that "Life sucks and then you die" It was, after all, about the only thing I knew was an absolute truth. It was taught to me when I was young. It was more of an absolute truth then being born with dangly bits, if apparently you can have them and feel like you should be a girl. I spent a good 50 years of doing nothing (positive) about my trans feelings. My life is riddled with the ensuing disasters which it brought. Not directly mind you. After all "Life Sucks..." There was always something else, someone else to lay blame on.

An ex G/F once joked about how she fixes her car when it starts to make a funny noise. "Just turn the radio up louder". Fixing problems of any sort when all you know something isn't working, takes a ton of guesswork and experimentation. After a while you learn for sure what doesn't work. It took me about 50 years to figure out about every thing that does not work. Still, I often fell back on turning up the radio, killing a few too many beers, or eating way too much.

Doing something, for real, about being trans is scary. I sure don't want to be trans... one of "Those". I grew up being a big fat target of ridicule. I know first hand how cruel people can be. When TDOR rolls around the sad statistics speak for themselves. Nope. No sane person wants to be trans. I'll just ignore it. Why bother?

Maybe it was just still having that little child alive in me. The one who still can remember actually having feelings of joy. The part of me that rebelled against "The Truth" and experienced a life that mostly did not suck. Yeah rules sometimes do but still..... Maybe that is why I rebelled against becoming more of that miserable and angry man my wife said I was. I wanted hopes, wishes, and dreams as I did in childhood beyond that one hope, that one wish, that one dream I gave up on long ago.

That is why we bother.

[Jessica Lynne]

It is far simpler not to bother. It is far simpler to down a few (too many) beers. It is far simpler to
have another slice or two of pizza with those beers. Best of all you get to feel even sorrier for your pathetic lot in life. Easy Peasy. Life Sucks and then you Die.

Been there, done that.  Maybe you don't want to put in the work? Maybe you might not like what you see or discover when you do? No way to control or predict that is there? Knowing what the results of doing nothing is predictable, nothing changes except for the worse.

As an engineer I like predicable things. I liked the surety that "Life sucks and then you die" It was, after all, about the only thing I knew was an absolute truth. It was taught to me when I was young. It was more of an absolute truth then being born with dangly bits, if apparently you can have them and feel like you should be a girl. I spent a good 50 years of doing nothing (positive) about my trans feelings. My life is riddled with the ensuing disasters which it brought. Not directly mind you. After all "Life Sucks..." There was always something else, someone else to lay blame on.

An ex G/F once joked about how she fixes her car when it starts to make a funny noise. "Just turn the radio up louder". Fixing problems of any sort when all you know something isn't working, takes a ton of guesswork and experimentation. After a while you learn for sure what doesn't work. It took me about 50 years to figure out about every thing that does not work. Still, I often fell back on turning up the radio, killing a few too many beers, or eating way too much.

Doing something, for real, about being trans is scary. I sure don't want to be trans... one of "Those". I grew up being a big fat target of ridicule. I know first hand how cruel people can be. When TDOR rolls around the sad statistics speak for themselves. Nope. No sane person wants to be trans. I'll just ignore it. Why bother?

Maybe it was just still having that little child alive in me. The one who still can remember actually having feelings of joy. The part of me that rebelled against "The Truth" and experienced a life that mostly did not suck. Yeah rules sometimes do but still..... Maybe that is why I rebelled against becoming more of that miserable and angry man my wife said I was. I wanted hopes, wishes, and dreams as I did in childhood beyond that one hope, that one wish, that one dream I gave up on long ago.

That is why we bother.

Dayam!! That oughta' get stickied. LOL. Thanks Joanne!