Feeling alone

[Sawney1000000]

so like imma transman, and i like to identify as male 100% of the time, but sometimes i just see stuff made for girls and lesbians and i feel sad bc...its such a beautiful and wonderful thing to be lesbian. its like, if i transition then i can never be part of this nice thing ever again? like im not part of any sisterhood and i wont belong in lesbian spaces anymore. im always told sisterhood is incredibly precious.  idk i feel like i am definitely a man but im worried im like, wasting a perfectly fine womanhood, that somebody would probably kill to have.  thats what my biggest insecurity abt transitioning, that i should stay a "girl" because its a good thing to be, and im very feminine, i make a very cute girl, but its just not what i am in my heart??? im so frustrated....i feel really alone and i feel like i dont belong in any group...

..sorry if this isnt the right board to be venting

[Sarah77]

This seems completely the right place to vent!

Do you have anyone to talk to about those feelings? Everything is about balancing what is right for you and taking baby steps..there might be a middle ground that keeps your sisterhood but lets you express your masculine side

[AlyssaJ]

Sawney, I don't know if this helps but I can tell you you're definitely not alone (although it's common to feel that way).  The doubts you've expressed are something I had to work through too in the opposite direction.  As a trans-woman, I look back at the things I'm giving up from my male lifestyle. The loss of male privilege alone is something that will take time to get used to.  Some of the activities I did enjoy as a man, I will have to find ways to do differently.  For instance, I loved construction and built an massive barn shed entirely by myself.  I don't think after the muscle loss from HRT that I'll be able to ever do that by myself again.  You talk about the sisterhood, but don't downplay the fraternity of being male.  I've realized that even though I was faking it and in reality never fit in, there is a certain way guys hang out and get along that is unique to that dynamic.  Now my relationship with guys is a more skeptical and cautious approach just out of safety concerns (physically and emotionally).

So you're in a spot where you do have to consider those things and decide what is more important to you.  If not being able to function as a man is causing you severe depression or anxiety then you likely want to move in that transition direction.  When you think about what you're leaving from the female lifestyle, remember that much of your attachment may just be that it's what's familiar and letting go of that for something that's largely an unknown can seem risky and scary.

I hope some of that helps.

[EmmaLoo]

I dont blame you at all for feeling lonely. Its hard to be part of a group that relies on blending into other groups as a sign of success as a whole. Everything you laid out are legitimate fears in either direction.

Experience over the years has made it pretty clear to me that if you have any doubts about transitioning and you arent prepared to lose just about everything, get that resolved BEFORE, you start. There's a reason all of the standards of care begin with seeking a therapist. I think most therapist would find your position on the fence quite common.

The first steps in transition arent starting HRT, its dealing with work, family, friends and the environment you live in. Dont make the mistake of doing it with blinders on because you can avoid burning some bridges with a little forethought.

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[Kylo]

You'll lose things. BUt it's not like you can't gain other things. Or have female friends/ relationships

[EmmaLoo]

You'll lose things. BUt it's not like you can't gain other things. Or have female friends/ relationships

This is true. You'll gain other stuff and enjoy new relationships but we shouldn't trivialize what's at stake. The people closest to us are the most difficult to lose and those relationships are equally  hard to replace.

My point wasn't to scare you away from your decision. Just take a solid inventory of the feelings you're expressing in your post until you own the decision to move forward. If you discover transition is something you have to do you'll know it.

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