Coming out timescales?

[reallynotsure83]

Hi all,

As some members can attest in various threads, I'm slowly realising to myself that if I'm even asking the question "am I really a girl"? Means likely that the answer is "yes you are!"

So I know that I'm literally taking the first step on a very very long journey.

Does anyone see the harm in not telling my nearest and dearest yet (as in like the next few weeks or along those lines) and just taking the time to embrace it myself?

Because as much as I'd like to "go public" I find the prospect so daunting yet and need to work out when and how I'd do it.

Thank you!

X

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi You!

First of all, congrats on your blossoming awareness about who really are. It was, for me also, the very first big milestone along this rocky journey. Self-acceptance, that is.

As for your coming out to your partner, well... It varies a lot. Two people will probably give you three different advices! All we could tell you is how it worked (or not) for us. That might give you some hope... or not!

In my case, when I came out to my wife, it wasn't something totally out of the blue. A few months before our marriage I told her I sometimes enjoyed wearing lingerie, that it excited me... She somewhat reluctantly condescended with that behaviour, but she never really appreciated it... And, along 17 years of marriage, my dysphoria became more and more intense and ultimately unbearable. Despite two children, who at times were a bit the glue of our union, there was an increasingly rough emotional roller coaster, with almost daily fights about my gender identity.

Everything seemed lost... And do you want to know why? Because she did not believe in the seriousness of my condition. She didn't take me seriously, until I started considering suicide. And even then, she thought it was just emotional blackmailing.

I've always had a relatively difficult relationship with my parents. Certainly not very open... I tried everything to hide my trans feelings from then. And my wife knew about that... So do you know what happened? She basically said: "If you tell your parents, I will believe you." I guess she secretly thought that this would dissuade me... She was wrong.

At first I told her "No frigging way I'm telling my parents!" But then I looked ahead at my future... If along the last forty or so years "things" got worse, why the heck would they go better in the future if I remained on the same path of repression?! So I grabbed my courage and I said: "You know what? I'm coming out to my parents and yes, I am beginning transition!" And so I did...

She read the letter and saw me sending it... And then, she cried, hugged me and told me that she loved me above anything, that she'd support me in my transition and would never leave me.

That was about 5 months ago. Never been so happy as a couple. Never had any fight anymore. My kids are surprisingly cool with everything. I'm far from being public, but I live and dress as a woman at home and somewhat androgynous when going out. About 4 months into HRT. Beard almost fully electrolysed. Etc.

So I guess my story tells you that it is possible to make it work but it depends very much on your particular circumstances. A therapist would probably help you figure out how to do it, but I must confess that my own first consultation with a gender team us still months away (albeit already scheduled). You should also try to use some common sense... And if your partner had not frigging idea that you have gender issues, don't drop the T-bomb just like that. She/He will likely freak the hell out, and with all my sympathy! Pianissimo is probably the best way... [emoji6]

Best of luck!

Hugs, Sarah

Edited by Sarah: removed what would be considered "foul language".

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[Mikaela]

Awesome story, Sarah!


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[reallynotsure83]

Hi You!

First of all, congrats on your blossoming awareness about who really are. It was, for me also, the very first big milestone along this rocky journey. Self-acceptance, that is.

As for your coming out to your partner, well... It varies a lot. Two people will probably give you three different advices! All we could tell you is how it worked (or not) for us. That might give you some hope... or not!

In my case, when I came out to my wife, it wasn't something totally out of the blue. A few months before our marriage I told her I sometimes enjoyed wearing lingerie, that it excited me... She somewhat reluctantly condescended with that behaviour, but she never really appreciated it... And, along 17 years of marriage, my dysphoria became more and more intense and ultimately unbearable. Despite two children, who at times were a bit the glue of our union, there was an increasingly rough emotional roller coaster, with almost daily fights about my gender identity.

Everything seemed lost... And do you want to know why? Because she did not believe in the seriousness of my condition. She didn't take me seriously, until I started considering suicide. And even then, she thought it was just emotional blackmailing.

I've always had a relatively difficult relationship with my parents. Certainly not very open... I tried everything to hide my trans feelings from then. And my wife knew about that... So do you know what happened? She basically said: "If you tell your parents, I will believe you." I guess she secretly thought that this would dissuade me... She was wrong.

At first I told her "No frigging way I'm telling my parents!" But then I looked ahead at my future... If along the last forty or so years "things" got worse, why the heck would they go better in the future if I remained on the same path of repression?! So I grabbed my courage and I said: "You know what? F-ck it! I'm coming out to my parents and yes, I am beginning transition!" And so I did...

She read the letter and saw me sending it... And then, she cried, hugged me and told me that she loved me above anything, that she'd support me in my transition and would never leave me.

That was about 5 months ago. Never been so happy as a couple. Never had any fight anymore. My kids are surprisingly cool with everything. I'm far from being public, but I live and dress as a woman at home and somewhat androgynous when going out. About 4 months into HRT. Beard almost fully electrolysed. Etc.

So I guess my story tells you that it is possible to make it work but it depends very much on your particular circumstances. A therapist would probably help you figure out how to do it, but I must confess that my own first consultation with a gender team us still months away (albeit already scheduled). You should also try to use some common sense... And if your partner had not frigging idea that you have gender issues, don't drop the T-bomb just like that. She/He will likely freak the hell out, and with all my sympathy! Pianissimo is probably the best way... [emoji6]

Best of luck!

Hugs, Sarah

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Hi yourself! 

Thank you so much for opening up like that and telling me your story.

As you said, dropping the "T-Bomb" (I like that description) would be so crazy. I think I need to drop little hints here and there, and warm up a bit so that she can at least have an idea.

I know a therapist in the UK can take months in a GIC, but I suppose it's worth the wait.

Hugs!

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Awesome story, Sarah!


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Well, thanks Mikaela! [emoji4] But I must say that before the proverbial calm there was a truckload of storm! 😢 But don't worry... I laugh about it, now... 😂 But at the time it was so painful, so difficult... Especially the last few weeks before my big decision. Suicide was totally an option, then. A stupid one, of course... But when you're navigating in a cloud of dense mist, you are for all purposes LOST in that big never ending ocean, even if your ship is just 10 feet from the shore... Listen, I know that I'm just beginning and lots (both good and bad... very bad) could happen. I also know that not everybody is succesful with the coming out to their partners and kids; a quick read of the forums is quite revealing... But when I was struggling, I felt it was VERY important to read the "success stories". They gave me hope... It WAS possible, after all... And OP must be aware of that! 😊 And using a little bit my "retrospectoscope", I must aknowledge the big help given by those positive testimonials (btw, thanks girls!)

Big huge hugs, Sarah

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[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on your awareness.  In many respects, that is the hardest step.

The decision to come out to your partner/spouse is a difficult one.  If you are feeling that you need to begin a transition, it is one that you must face eventually.  But the timeline varies a lot; each couple is different.

From the time I realized that I might really be trans and that I needed to investigate it further to when I accepted that there was no doubt about it was about five months.  It took me another six months from then until the time I actually told my wife.  It was six months of agony, nearly paralyzed by fear.  I had to lean on some of the members here to gain the courage to open up and tell her.

When I did, there was no way I was going to pussyfoot around the subject, dropping hints.  The only way I could get it out was all at once: the proverbial T-bomb.  There's a reason I married her in the first place: she is a woman of strong and admirable character.  She asked me a few questions to make sure she understood me properly, then told me that she would support me with whatever I needed to do.  Obviously not everyone is so lucky.

After that, it was full-speed ahead, as fast as the medical system could accommodate me.  I paid to see a private therapist to avoid long delays seeing a publicly-funded one.  It is now 11 months since I dropped the bomb.  I started HRT 4 months ago, and started living full-time about 3 weeks ago.

My story is of a quick and happy transition.  Not everyone's story is so smooth.  But, as Sarah said, take heart from the happy stories, because they can give hope when the going gets rough.

[Erika_Courtney]

Prior to coming out to my wife she asked a couple of times a week to sit down and just talk with her about my feelings and life. She has not asked me talk about my feelings since that night. I ask her if she wants to talk and she turns the tv on. I was never a guy who liked to talk about his feelings.


Honesty is the best policy.

[Charlie Nicki]

I came out to my boyfriend very recently and he's very supportive. I was 100% he would leave me on the spot as he's a gay man and of course doesn't like women...His reaction surprised me and now I feel more free to be myself. I need to tell my mom next and once that's done I'll start HRT.

Basically you never know how they'll react or what's going to happen until you actually do it. The most important part is for you to figure out who you are, what you want to do and to get the strength to know that none of their reactions can stop you.


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[The Flying Lemur]

I opened my coming-out conversation with a couple of people by saying, "How do you feel about transgender people?"  When I got a positive or at least neutral response, I forged ahead.  If I'd gotten a verbal faceful of acid, I would have worked to correct misconceptions first.  So far, that approach seems to be working for me.

[Kylo]

Put it this way, I never tell anyone anything I'm not 100% comfortable - or apathetic about - being out there, or potentially used against me.

Regards family I really am apathetic of how they feel about it, they have no emotional leverage over me. When it comes to everyday situations and people I don't know, that info isn't going to be volunteered.

Don't do it until you're comfortable with it yourself, and ready to face the potential consequences of the knowledge being out there. If you are comfortable, you won't suffer from it, or from people not liking or agreeing with it.