I DO HAVE A CHOICE!

[karenk1959]

I preface what I am about to say that I have extreme respect and admiration for all of you that have made the choice to accept your true selves and transition in order to have some peace of mind.

I am transgender, but I have decided after many months of therapy, deep thought and several emotional crises that I don't wish to transition. I believe there are others like me that also don't want to transition.

I was in what I believed was a no win situation. I thought there were only two alternatives ~ I was faced with denying my true self and falling back into bad repression related depression or having an unbearable inner conflict about accepting that I am a woman in a man's body arising from not at all wanting to be this way. I wrongly felt it was an affliction, I was being penalized and it was out of my control. I felt that it was a terrible fate because I knew what awaited me was a lot of sadness about losing very important relationships in my life that have been established over many years. I know my three grown kids and I know many of my friends and I am certain many of them would not understand. The only one that can truly understand is the person who has that inconsistency between body and mind. I don't blame them either. Not everyone has the capacity to be in another's shoes. If we all could the world would be a wonderful place.

I do a lot of yoga. A large part of yoga is to remove distraction in order to gain clarity. I finally realized that first it is not an affliction, but something that is part of who we are. I feel fortunate that I can celebrate my feminine side and look forward to celebrating it. My marriage was quickly coming to an end, but I came to realize that I would be losing my best friend in the world. My love for her is a very powerful force that I can't ignore.

So I came to realize that instead of existing in a no win situation, I needed to find the third alternative. I do have a choice, that I can have some control over my emotions and find some peace of mind. Again, let me reiterate that I admire all of you that have achieved your own peace of mind by choosing to transition. That third alternative for me was acceptance of who I am and a realization that what is important is who I am on the inside, not what I look like. For me, I fully know that I can never be a cis-gender woman. I will always have a penis because I could never undergo a SRS. I am very masculine appearing and I doubt I would ever look fully like a woman. So I have stopped crossdressing. I know that I can now have peace of mind by celebrating my true self that I recognize deep inside of me and celebrating all the love I have in my life.

My hope is that we can all celebrate who we are, that we can see the beauty deep inside all of us and that we can all find meaningful love!

[Dayta]

Hi Karen,

Good for you in making a decision rather than vacillating and fretting.  I hope that it works out, and you continue to find peace and joy in your life.  I think it's good that you're not burning any bridges, and if your situation should change in the future, you can always take a different path. 

I don't know if you plan to maintain your account here, but I sure hope so.  I suspect I speak for many here in saying that I like to hear how the folks in our community are doing, including yourself.  So best of luck as you move forward and please keep in touch! 

Erin

[Dena]

You aren't the first one on the site to chose that path. Unfortunately we are in sort of a no win situation as any path we chose has it has it's disadvantages. I hope you find happiness and I suggest you leave your account available so you can update us on your progress and if you should need help, we are only a post away. Good luck and I hope we continue to hear about you.

[AlyssaJ]

Transition is a deeply personal choice that cannot be taken lightly.  You shouldn't have any fear of offending anyone here simply because your decision was to not pursue transition. Being transgender, feeling dysphoria over our bodies, is not a choice.  However, whether or not we go through the massive undertaking that is transition is a choice.  Now for some, myself included, it's a choice of transition or end it all.  For others they can find peace in a revelation such as yours and not transition or only take on certain aspects of transition.

All I can say is good for you!!  I'm glad you found your truth and have decided on a path that will bring you peace.  I pray you find happiness and are able to love yourself for the rest of your years on this earth.  I too hope you'll stick around on these boards and keep us up to date on how things are going with you.  Take care!!

[Ciara]

Hi Karen,
You are right. Transition is not for everyone. Three years ago I made the same choice as you have made. Transition would have carried a high price in terms of family, friends, work and most of all my beloved wife.
Like you I fully accept that I am a transgendered woman and I celebrate that every day. I love being a woman even if I must present as a man. It is what I am and I feel good about that.
I wish you well with your chosen path. It works for me and I'm sure it will work for you.

Ciara.

[Laurie]

 Hi Karen,

  I am glad you have come to a decision. I respect that decision and hope like everyone here that it works out for you. Relationships are important and are certainly part of all of our decisions. Your choices are no one elses. You make them and live with them as we do our own.
  For myself I found that I had very little to lose, I'd already lost those important relationships in part because of this gender dysphoria and trying to live a life without transitioning, when the opportunity to start came along I did not hesitate and will live with my decision too.
  I wish you luck in yours and echo the thoughts of others in telling you I hope you continue to stay in touch with us. Your decision doesn't remove you from the community. Only you can do that and we hope you don't.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[KathyLauren]

Good for you for making a choice that will work for you, Karen!  There is no right or wrong way to be trans.  We each have to choose the path that will work for us.

Good luck as you go forward from here.  Do stay in touch.