Things keep going so darn good. Yet...

[SailorMars1994]

Hey all. Havent been as active here latley as i used to be. Been very busy. First i now work two jobs so I can now save money! we are still prepping for a move out west aswell. Personally, all them doubts i used to experience have, to my knowledge been sqwashed. Not only that but my body dysphoria oddly enough too has gone from axiety provoking to me knowing that very soon, those things (facial hair and male genitals) will be gone and I can breath a sigh of relief soon. This may sound like putting the cart before the horse but i can actually now envision myself with a clear mind going thorugh that surgery and having  a plan to keep moving forward with life after . Damn do i ever want GRS tho. To the point that knowing I will have a penis probably until my 25th birthday annoys me more at times then it did... but atleast now i dont fixate on the downers but rather the pluses to the good in my  current life. Also, with the fact i am no longer being tormented by who i wish i always was vs who i thought i had/must have been and just went on with the pick up and continue of transition I find myself more comfortable with my own skin to the point gender isnt too much on radar at times and i am now thinking of going to college more seriously. My DR also told me I am healthy as a horse and that she wants me to DOUBLE my estrogen. So i did, for some time now and i feel stellar, much better with the new double dose actually. I feel my head is on a bit more stirght, or maybe thats just a placebo affect. Still, it rocks.

My concern is i am scared of my mind doing a 180 with me like it did i April 2016. Granted, the 2 years before that April i was transitioning, I was in a whirl wind of doubts and shames and ect. I was connected to my femininity, but absolutley nowhere near as i have been the past 2 months or so. Infact i can do a whole day (and many many more) without feeling self-doubt, shame or past ''maleness''. Life is rocking, but i fear I could have another break down again.. the last one very nearly killed me, this one, if it were to happen would be far worse. I love where my life is going, its so nice to live and not fixate on all my problems and to be a productive citizen who can now actually help others. I just dont want to lose this again, Ashley cant be killed off or swept away like she nearly was.

[Sinclair]

You're trying to make decisions before they need to be made. Transition is not a race, it's a process. You need to fully process any doubts before you make any permanent changes. It's called urge, or impulse surfing. You need to "surf" it (in your mind) all the way to the end. Examine all aspects of transition and fully explore the final outcomes. Don't focus on how you would feel today (impulsive) with GRS, but how that may impact you 10 years from now. I suggest going old school, and get out a pen and paper and write down all of your concerns, and aspirations, and detail the positives and negatives long term. You're young, you need to explore the future and make sure you are on a path that will sustain you 10-20+ years from now. As I have stated before, for some this is an easier path for older people. I sympathize with your plight, and encourage you to be the person who you feel you are. But, make sure you "surf" the impulses and urges all the way out ... not to today, or tomorrow, but decades out. Best wishes .. 

[SailorMars1994]

Im kind of thick on picking up suggestions, but I think I have already done what you have said. I dont feel impulsive as I would have before like my whole life. In fact, i feel more sound mind then ever. I have thought about what life will be like decades from now, and i do really feel if I go through with what i want it will be better. The other alternative i saw no future what so ever. I feel more alive and can plan for my future and make goals come true now. Something I could have done from before

[Laurie]

Hey Ashley,

  It sounds to me like you are doing great!  I'm glad to see it. two jobs? you are more ambitious than I ever was. What ever you are doing to be so positive, keep on doing it. You got to double your dose of Estradiol? Go ahead make me jealous why don't you? I will see my doctor on Monday for drawing labs and a regular 6 month check up. He already knows I am hoping to get an increase in estradiol myself. (I've already tried to get him to do it twice) so I am hopeful that after the lab results are in he will do it.  Did you see I have started electrolysis? Yep only 1 hour so far but I have 2 more hours scheduled for the 27th. I'm sure I can afford 3 maybe 4 hours a month so that's what I'll try to get in.

  Don't worry about those doubts you fear. Just ignore the slim possibility of it and get on with being who you know you are now. No buts now, just do it get on with being Ashley and don't look back.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Hey all. Havent been as active here latley as i used to be. Been very busy. First i now work two jobs so I can now save money! we are still prepping for a move out west aswell. Personally, all them doubts i used to experience have, to my knowledge been sqwashed. Not only that but my body dysphoria oddly enough too has gone from axiety provoking to me knowing that very soon, those things (facial hair and male genitals) will be gone and I can breath a sigh of relief soon. This may sound like putting the cart before the horse but i can actually now envision myself with a clear mind going thorugh that surgery and having  a plan to keep moving forward with life after . Damn do i ever want GRS tho. To the point that knowing I will have a penis probably until my 25th birthday annoys me more at times then it did... but atleast now i dont fixate on the downers but rather the pluses to the good in my  current life. Also, with the fact i am no longer being tormented by who i wish i always was vs who i thought i had/must have been and just went on with the pick up and continue of transition I find myself more comfortable with my own skin to the point gender isnt too much on radar at times and i am now thinking of going to college more seriously. My DR also told me I am healthy as a horse and that she wants me to DOUBLE my estrogen. So i did, for some time now and i feel stellar, much better with the new double dose actually. I feel my head is on a bit more stirght, or maybe thats just a placebo affect. Still, it rocks.

My concern is i am scared of my mind doing a 180 with me like it did i April 2016. Granted, the 2 years before that April i was transitioning, I was in a whirl wind of doubts and shames and ect. I was connected to my femininity, but absolutley nowhere near as i have been the past 2 months or so. Infact i can do a whole day (and many many more) without feeling self-doubt, shame or past ''maleness''. Life is rocking, but i fear I could have another break down again.. the last one very nearly killed me, this one, if it were to happen would be far worse. I love where my life is going, its so nice to live and not fixate on all my problems and to be a productive citizen who can now actually help others. I just dont want to lose this again, Ashley cant be killed off or swept away like she nearly was.

Ashley,
When I came to terms with being trans I was very scared I would swing back to the running away thing I had always done.  I watched and watched  and nothing ever happened. When you get it right I think it sticks. I think you have it right. You have to remember that every once in a while everyone gets a little weird on the road to being your true self, but that is normal and okay. Don't panic if it happens. Also getting the gender right doesn't fix all your problems. Separate issues should be worked on no matter how the gender issue goes. Take care, Sweetie!
Moni

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks girls! There seems to be a misunderstanding though in one regard. I dont think, nor have I ever thought that transitioning to the right gender would all of a sudden make all my other issues melt away. I still plan to do some EMDR when we move to Manitoba as I want to settle all my other issues and move on. However, I have noticed that living right has enabled me to have a bit of a bounce in my step towards getting all those things done. I still got a huge road ahead of me on self healing and planning for my career/ect but getting this gender thing right has made all those hard things easier to handle, yet hasnt stopped then from still being hard and needing to take resonsibility !

On the other hand I have noticed that increased E has virtually killed most anxiety i had been feeling in general, just a super calm. Something I have always wanted

Hugs