Your experience?

[Denise]

I'm preparing a presentation on ->-bleeped-<- and I'm wondering if my experience is unique.  I knew something was wrong at the age of 4 and it's been like a gnat buzzing around for 50 years, then within 6 months - WHAM.  I was almost suicidal over it.
Note - three days on HRT - I felt great!

[KathyLauren]

"I knew at a very young age, hid it for years, got worse fast and WHAM" kind of fits me.  "I knew at a young age, a slow but steady increase until today" actually fits better, but I had already voted.

In hindsight, I see that the dysphoria was there when I was young, in ways that I can identify now.  But at the time, I thought it was normal, just the way life was.  I gradually became aware that I was different in my teen years, but could have told you what the difference was until my 30s.  Even once I had an idea what it was about, I tried to keep the lid on it until I was 60, mosthly through denial.

It wasn't so much that it got worse fast, but more like it reached a tipping point with me.  I never got suicidal.  Kind of like a pressure cooker that is on too high, except I managed to release the pressure before it blew.

Congrats on the HRT!!

[LizK]

I'm preparing a presentation on ->-bleeped-<- and I'm wondering if my experience is unique.  I knew something was wrong at the age of 4 and it's been like a gnat buzzing around for 50 years, then within 6 months - WHAM.  I was almost suicidal over it.
Note - three days on HRT - I felt great!

First memory is of not understanding why I wasn't a girl at about 4...since then constant and unrelenting thoughts and feeling that said to me something in my life was very wrong and deep down I knew what it was. It took a couple of attempts to come out before I finally got it right a couple of years ago. I did deliberately put things "on hold" for my wife and kids. I didn't know at the time what the personal cost of doing this would be and neither did she.

So here I am nearly 2 years of transition under my belt living full time for the last 3 months and struggling my way through the world learning how I fit in, as a non-passing trans woman.

[Wanda Jane]

Knew at an early age 4-5. "Out" in 4th grade. Went to school in makeup and curls. Bullied into closet. Buried it with alcohol for 40 years. I tried hard many times over the years but got pushed aside by "other me". Once I sobered up the closet door was kicked off the hinges.

[Anne Blake]

I knew at a very early age that I was different and didn't fit into any of the social boxes around me but I didn't have a name for the difference. I spent the next 60 or so years hiding behind coping mechanisms; mostly strong male projection and hard work. The results were a very successful but painful life. Two + years ago it got a name and I have gone from ignorant and blind cis guy to fully happy transgender woman just as quickly as I can. - Anne

[AnneK]

While I didn't consider myself to be a girl, when I was young, I felt I should be wearing some of the things girls did.  Of course, at that time I'd never heard of "trans".

[The Flying Lemur]

I'm also one of the people who knew something was wrong around age 4.  I wanted to be with boys doing boy things, but they rejected me because they perceived me to be a girl.  My parents were great and would actually use a male name and pronouns for me if I asked, but it was always clear that they considered it "just pretend," on par with my wanting to be called a dinosaur or a cat. 

I carried on semi-uncomfortably for some years, occasionally being mistaken for a cis boy and loving it each time it happened.  Then puberty hit, and I was absolutely miserable.  I tried coping with the misery for decades, mostly by deadening myself to my own feelings.  Then all of a sudden, with no apparent trigger, I was just finished with it.  Within days I was telling my therapist and the people closest to me that I wanted to transition.  A couple of months later, it's like the sun is finally coming out of the clouds.  I haven't felt this comfortable with myself since I was tiny. 

[Transdude]

Mine started at a very young age. I remember when I was about 3 I had seen my older brother peeing and I tried to pee standing up too. It never worked and I would end up peeing all over the floor and myself. My mom spanked me a couple times for doing that. I remember asking my mom why I didn't have a "peepee"  like Justin.  I always hated the dresses my mom dressed me in. When I got a little older I started wearing my brothers stuff whenever I could. I also played with his toys all the time and ignored mine. When I was 12 I got a period. At the same time my brother was starting to shave. That was the beginning of a deep depression that lasted a lot of years. I tried suicide once. That got me a 2 week stay in the nut house. I still have dysphoria but its not so bad now.

[Marcy8]

I knew at a very early age and expressing it just felt natural, until my parents felt threatened by it.

Once they started noticing that i wasnt a regular boy, i feel like they just always hated me for it ever since and tried to make me feel like i was a mistake and everything that i felt was wrong.

I surrendered to their unconscious manipulative influence and dark time began for my soul as i dug my true feelings inside and instead my mind created an illusion of a male character to satisfy their expectations.

Only recently, as i awakened spiritually, have i had the privilege to finally see the truth behind my parents's emotionally abusive behavior that they have been trying to camouflage upon me as expressions of caring and love.

For now i just completely cut off any contact with my parents as i feel better that way. I dont know if i will be able to fully forgive them within this lifetime, but at the same time i cant help but feel compassion for them as the main reason they did this to me was caused by their owns misfortunes in life...

And also at the end, they are simply controlled by society's agenda and not by their hearts.

....Living zombies everywhere...

Much love gentle beings, there is always light at the end of the tunnel!

Marcy

[Denise]

I knew at a very early age and expressing it just felt natural, until my parents felt threatened by it.

Once they started noticing that i wasnt a regular boy, i feel like they just always hated me for it ever since and tried to make me feel like i was a mistake and everything that i felt was wrong.

I surrendered to their unconscious manipulative influence and dark time began for my soul as i dug my true feelings inside and instead my mind created an illusion of a male character to satisfy their expectations.

Only recently, as i awakened spiritually, have i had the privilege to finally see the truth behind my parents's emotionally abusive behavior that they have been trying to camouflage upon me as expressions of caring and love.

For now i just completely cut off any contact with my parents as i feel better that way. I dont know if i will be able to fully forgive them within this lifetime, but at the same time i cant help but feel compassion for them as the main reason they did this to me was caused by their owns misfortunes in life...

And also at the end, they are simply controlled by society's agenda and not by their hearts.
...

I'm curious, have you told them why you have cut off communications?  They probably thought that they were saving you from a "terrible life."  They could have been trying to help.  You appear to be out on your own and away from them so their influence is limited.  Tell them.  If they react badly, cut them off again.  Send them an email from a bogus E-Mail account and see what happens. 

One thing I've learned is you just never know about people both with you and against you.

[Gertrude]

Yeah, 4 or 5 I knew I was different. That made it worse...but then again we're talking 50 years ago. Today it's more accepted and will get more so.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cimara]

I knew I wasnt a boy when I was quite young. My parents realized it as well and never tried to force male behavior on me. My mother caught me making out with a boy when I was 11 which I think helped encourage their decision to let me start HRT when I was 12.

[Laurie]

  You don't have a selection for "I've always wished I could be a girl/woman, but did not know it was gender dysphoria.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[MeTony]

I was a boy until I was 10 years old and my chest started growing and I got my period. I was devastated and tried to hide my chest. Refused to wear a bra. Dad forced me to wear one 3 years later.

I did not know what transgender was until I was nearly 30.

[KathyLauren]

  You don't have a selection for "I've always wished I could be a girl/woman, but did not know it was gender dysphoria.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Yup, I'd have voted for that one!

[RachelH]

I knew when I was 5 or 6 when I was insistent on being a princess for Haloween. My parents finally let me and into the closet I went but didn't realize I was transgender really until I found this sihe a several years ago. Then last summer after 20 years of marriage I told my wife, the first person I had ever admitted it to.

[grrl1nside]

I would not say I knew from a logical point of view, but early on when there were basic choices I would get in the wrong/right line. First time at school, the girls all go to play area and boys self select and head to the fields. I head off with the girls but no one plays with me because ewwwww you are a boy. School trip to the pool and time to change which line do I go? Teacher redirects with a long explanation. I never really thought in my head I was a girl but I certainly did not recognize myself as a boy. I just went straight to the girls line. However with correction from bullies and the school leaving me (by mistake?) at the aquatic centre afterward because I was so slow in the change room you begin to learn.

I waited in the bathroom stall until everyone finished dressing and left before I would change. With very quick and early correction I was taught that I was a boy and learn how to interact but I wasn't great at it. So there is long term teasing about being gay when there was much less understanding and I just tried harder. My internal logic would say I will feel better and more like a guy when or if I do x. Never worked. Amazing how many years can go by with trying yet something else to feel something that is not there.

[Charlie Nicki]

I chose: "It came on later in life - out of the blue.  Never thought about it when I was younger." because it's the closest to my experience but it's not really a 100% accurate. It would be a combination of that one and ""I knew at a young age, a slow but steady increase until today".

I had desires and fantasies of being a girl since I was very little, probably since I was 4. But I didn't think much about it and it didn't really cause me any "pain" so I didn't really "know" (I know now in hindsight). As I grew older, the thoughts were always there with me in the background and it wasn't until I was 20 that I started really paying attention to it and wondering why I spent so much mental energy thinking about it. Once I opened that box it slowly but steadily got bigger and bigger until now at 28, when I'm trying to start transitioning.

[Charlie Nicki]

Mine started at a very young age. I remember when I was about 3 I had seen my older brother peeing and I tried to pee standing up too. It never worked and I would end up peeing all over the floor and myself. My mom spanked me a couple times for doing that. I remember asking my mom why I didn't have a "peepee"  like Justin.  I always hated the dresses my mom dressed me in. When I got a little older I started wearing my brothers stuff whenever I could. I also played with his toys all the time and ignored mine. When I was 12 I got a period. At the same time my brother was starting to shave. That was the beginning of a deep depression that lasted a lot of years. I tried suicide once. That got me a 2 week stay in the nut house. I still have dysphoria but its not so bad now.

Are you the guy in the avatar pic?

[Deb Roz]

At this stage in my life, I think my experience is akin to #1, but I haven't yet gotten the WHAM!  I'm pretty scared of it.  Still, this is the furthest I have explored my own feelings of dysphoria.   

No idea where I will go from here.  I really appreciate being to able to read about your(all) experiences.  It makes me feel less alone, and it also gives me valuable perspective for my own life.