Butterflies before starting HRT?

[OCTrisha]

Hi all,

I've posted in here a few times trying to gather information on starting HRT, so I'll just give a condensed intro... I'm a 40-year old (cis) male with lifelong feelings of dysphoria... much of which I've tried to suppress... which often resulted in depression, anger, reclusiveness, etc.  Only in the last couple years have I started to become more honest with myself about these feelings and have been trying to figure out what's the best way to handle all of this. 

I've been seriously considering HRT to at least answer the dysphoria or to possibly be a conduit to fully transitioning.  If I go forward with this, my goal would be to start slow and on a low dose and just take it step by step.  If I feel better, I may decide to keep going.  If I don't, I'll stop.  Both therapists that I've been seeing (one a generalist and another specifically for the dysphoria) have been supportive of the low-dose start.  My endocrinologist also concurred after my first appointment.  My girlfriend is aware of all this and isn't exactly happy about me going on HRT, but she's trying to keep an open mind and to be supportive. 

Even though I'm not really committing myself to anything long term at this point, this still feels scary to me.  Am I opening Pandora's Box?  What if I don't like it, I want to get off and I'm never the same physically?  What if I lose some of the relationships in my life over this?  What if I do feel better and feel compelled to transition?  Will the emotional cost of all this be too much?  Am I trans enough to be doing this?

But at the same, if I don't do anything, I feel like my mind and body are going to split apart from being in such incongruity. 

Did/does anyone have these same feelings?  Is this normal? 

--Trish

[natalie.ashlyne]

I believe your questions to your self a valid, and only you can answer them what your true self is and if it is worth you transitioning. I went through the same questions I think everyone does, for me it was what would make me happy with myself what can i do to see the person i feel like in a mirror and i used to put everyone before my feelings and be the person they wanted me to be even though I was unhappy with myself and my choices. I finally choose to be the person i was meant to be. You can see a councilor first and start slow it is a long process to go through you do have to be strong also. 

[LexiDreamer]

Hello Trish!

These feelings are completely normal. When I first came out of the closet it wasn't long before I realized I was more than just a cross-dresser, I was truly transgender. BTW... I had just turned 40!
I was only slightly interested in HRT, but really wanted to approach it on my speed.  I began dosing myself with herbal estrogen (and yes, despite what some people might say, it really does work - at least it did for me).
My breasts began to grow and I started worrying about what my doctor would say or people noticing. I kept on thinking "I can stop anytime, just a little bit more". The truth is, I couldn't stop. I was happy with how my body was changing.
That winter (about 8 months out of the closet and 6 months on herbal E) I had a serious psychological struggle over my body and my future. It was like my male self was trying to hang onto who I used to be, while my female self was finally being born and taking over. I was under the care of two different therapists, BTW.
It didn't take too long for me to realize, no matter how much I told myself "I can abort this at any time"... it was just a safety net. I knew deep down inside, there was no other path than forward, no going back. I had "purged" so many times in my life with the thought that I was done with it, only to find myself back in the closet a month later.
Once I was able to embrace this notion, everything got easier. I dropped my old primary and got hooked up with an LGBT friendly medical center and started planning my transition. My new doctor persuaded me to ditch the herbals in favor of monitored pharmaceutical HRT. I've been medically transitioning for 10 months now and my only regret is that I waited so long in life to start.
Now I'm out to my close friends, my mom and my daughter. Honestly, every time I tell someone, it brings more relief and I feel better about myself.
My next challenge is coming out at work. So far I've been able to hide my changes as it's been somewhat slow, but at some point (very soon) I really want to throw all my "men's" clothes away and be done with all of this secrecy.

Given my experience, I'd say you really don't know until you try.  There will be some physiological and emotional challenges. But once you can start being honest with yourself and the people around you, you'll feel free to live your life how you want to... and that's something I had been waiting for, for 40 years!

[Janes Groove]

Your Pandora's Box reference, fear of how others will view you (your relationships), reluctance to present as female,  fear of actually feeling better - all this leads me to suspect that what's driving this is the internalized transphobia that all of us had conditioned into us from our first breath in this world.  Let me assure you that's all on them.  There is nothing wrong with you.  It's 100% natural.  Society has done a real number on you to make you think that there is anything wrong with this whatsoever.  But you're not alone.  They played the same game on me.

But I mean seriously.  What other medical condition makes people be afraid of actually feeling better?

If you had a heart condition would you be afraid of taking medicine that would make you feel better?

But then again. I could be wrong.  You wrote that you are a cis male.  In that's case you should DEFINITELY NOT TAKE FEMALE HORMONES.  They will make you feel terrible!

[OCTrisha]

Thank you for the replies.

I went ahead with my endocrinologist appointment yesterday and had a really good discussion about all of this.  She allayed my concerns and prescribed me a lower dosage (about 1/3 of a full dose). 

I continue to have mixed feelings going into this.  Even though this isn't a point of no return, it's still so scary.  But I need to give this an honest try.  I want to find some peace and calm.  I'll let this play out for a few months and assess how I feel.  I'm finally starting to accept that it's OK to embrace this part of me. 

[kat69]

Definitely a sound plan.  Lower dosages can be useful to provide some of the mental effects without the physical changes occurring or taking much longer to happen. Each person has their own journey to become who they are....there is no set solution for everyone.  Just continue to be honest with yourself and those providing you professional support, and you will find the balance YOU need. 

[AlyssaJ]

Even though I started low dose I also had some nervousness leading up to it. I was really excited when I got the appointment, really anxious leading up to it and definitely had a mix of excitement and nerves going in to the appointment.  I originally figured once I got the prescription I'd pretty much take it straight to the pharmacy and take the first does right there in the parking lot.  As it turned out, the spector of starting something which represented the medical beginning of a long life altering journey, caused me a moment of pause.

Once I ended up with the vials in hand, even though I had even bought a bottle of water to be able to take them in my car, I ended up taking them home.  I let them sit on the kitchen table for a few hours while I waited for myself to be ready to take the leap.  I ended up doing it with my 13-year old son standing there with me as I first swallowed down the Spiro and then placed the Estradiol tablet under my tongue.  He hugged me when I began to cry while holding the Estradiol pill in my mouth.

The way it went down, I wouldn't change that approach.  It ended up being a special moment with me and my boy.

[OCTrisha]

Even though I started low dose I also had some nervousness leading up to it. I was really excited when I got the appointment, really anxious leading up to it and definitely had a mix of excitement and nerves going in to the appointment.  I originally figured once I got the prescription I'd pretty much take it straight to the pharmacy and take the first does right there in the parking lot.  As it turned out, the spector of starting something which represented the medical beginning of a long life altering journey, caused me a moment of pause.

Once I ended up with the vials in hand, even though I had even bought a bottle of water to be able to take them in my car, I ended up taking them home.  I let them sit on the kitchen table for a few hours while I waited for myself to be ready to take the leap.  I ended up doing it with my 13-year old son standing there with me as I first swallowed down the Spiro and then placed the Estradiol tablet under my tongue.  He hugged me when I began to cry while holding the Estradiol pill in my mouth.

The way it went down, I wouldn't change that approach.  It ended up being a special moment with me and my boy.

That's a really awesome and inspiring story, Alyssa... Thank you for sharing.   Thinking of how I would ever try to explain this to my 7-year old daughter is terrifying to me sometimes.  It's great to hear that you have been able to be open about this with your son.  You must be a great parent. 

[luna nyan]

Been there, done that, got on HRT and a crappy T-shirt.

Thread on my experience and some others in my sig, it might allay some of your fears.

Good luck with your HRT - I hope it helps you find yourself!

[OCTrisha]

Been there, done that, got on HRT and a crappy T-shirt.

Thread on my experience and some others in my sig, it might allay some of your fears.

Good luck with your HRT - I hope it helps you find yourself!

Thank you, Luna.  Your posts were actually a big inspiration towards considering this route.  I tremendously appreciate you contributing your experiences.