I wonder if any of you relate to this:
Some trans women seem to know from a very early age that they are female. I was not one of those. I was designated male at birth and was taught to dress, act and function in a way typical for young boys. I went along with it just as children generally go along with what there parents say.
I do not remember thinking that I was female. I didn't know that this was the sort of thing one could think. I do remember being jealous of my sister, but as far as I was concerned, it was just because my father was doting and affectionate with her, but more distant and authoritarian in dealing with me. It wasn't until puberty that I experienced a sort of "feminine gravity", i.e. a sense that I fit better with girls and wished I could dress as they did and be part of their group. As this was the 1970's. I had never heard the word transgender (and wouldn't until my mid-30's). I realized that I was attracted to women, concluded at some level that I was not gay, and that therefore I was just a normal guy with some sort of a kink that was way too embarrassing to talk about. I didn't know anyone like me and I assumed that I was alone. I did my best just to get by.
Nevertheless, the steady pull of "feminine gravity" continued and intensified as I aged. More and more, I wanted to feminize my expression, whether through long hair, earrings or whatever. I fought it for a long time, and felt increasingly guilty about it. Eventually, I got some counseling and recognized what should have been obvious--that the desire to present and be recognized as feminine were durable aspects of my personality, and that there wasn't anything I could do about it. Over a 10 year period my gender expression went from typical male to androgynous to fully feminine.
I am 50 now, and have consistently dressed in a feminine manner for at least 7 years. I have legally changed my name and gender markers (3 years ago). I have been on HRT for 2 years. I still feel the pull of that gravity, like I'm in a place that I don't belong.
Unfortunately, whether due to my voice, mannerisms or height, people around me don't perceive me as female. I get mispronouned a lot, including by some people within my extended family who say "I'm working on it", yet drop my old name or male pronouns as often as not years after I asked them not to. I feel distress from this, and I have tended to keep my distance from those who do it most.
I look through old pictures and I can't imagine returning to male self expression. On the other hand, as I have watched my own kids grow up, I see girls becoming young women and realize that I never went through that. I feel like a "tran without a country", caught between a masculinity that was historically uncomfortable for me and yet conditioned in such a way that the femininity I prefer comes off as unconvincing to others, and at times, to myself.
I have proceeded through transition very slowly and deliberately, one step at a time. I was always willing to stop at whatever point my daily dysphoria was less. For awhile, HRT did seen to lessen it, but it is still something I deal with nearly every minute of every day.
I just want peace. I want coherence. I want to not feel freakishly different and constantly self-conscious of of what an oddity I am. I think transition is potentially much more difficult in middle aged trans people. I certainly have not found it easy.
I get regular counseling. My gender dysphoria will occasionally hit me like a ton of bricks and at other times settle down to a dull roar. I'm now at the point of strongly considering GCS and breast surgery. If I knew that it would take away the dysphoria, I'd schedule in a heartbeat. The problem is that the only way to know is to go through with it. I have literally done everything else. I think the fact that I am still on the fence has, if anything, dialed up the dysphoria.
My pathway to self-recognition and self acceptance has been long and halting. I just want to live a normal life not twisted up in a not about who I am. Maybe that it isn't possible at my age, but it's what I want. The prospect of another 20-30 years of this sort of daily struggle terrifies me.
Have any of you been through this? How do I take seriously my doubts without being crushed by them?
Renae
