Hey lovelys hope you are all doing as well as i have been these past little while. Was able to do a productive morning with lawn work and scrubbing out the hot tub. It is nice to do something productive on a day off, now i have this wanting to make a bird house. Anyway, Since being on a double doasge of E from where I was over a month ago I have noticed changes.
These changes are that I now no longer lactate oddly enough, i see my boobs growing more, i feel softer oddly enough if that makes sense and I am now totally seeing fat being redisributed at a slow pace but i have noticed something else. I have also noticed I am much more sensitive, have a mind more full of peace and feel more let live. Dont get me wrong, i spent a life time in doubt, denial and anger in just about every single aspect of who i am and what i want to do. I still havent shed that part of me fully sadly however i went from being engulfed every second of the day in that state to maybe an 30 mins once a week or something. Huge progress in a short period of time.
But on my sensitivity, I have noticed that my natural repression of hard things is slowly disappearing. Case in point was yestarday, I was watching a video of a dog play with a drum and i thought it was so adorable I wanted to cry. I really thought it was so cute. I know that there was a time i would write that off as stupid and lame and try and pretend i didnt like that. That defenintly where i was pre-hrt and especially when i was living male. I also had to call my almost 3rd job and tell them it would be best not to hire me. I explained to them I would have loved to work with then, and thanked them to considering me and really showing they wanted me ,however, I wouldnt feel it would have been good for me personally to work at times about 15 hour days between two jobs and that since i was leaving soon I wouldnt want to get them to train me and then leave in like 3 weeks, essentially waste their time. The lady, my almost boss was so understanding and wished me well on my future endevours I broke down a bit after. It would have been easier if she got mad and told me off so we could get into a pissing contest, but no. She was super awesome which made me sad for some reason.
Also yestarday I found news that my naibours 15 year olf Alaskan Malamute had died about 2 weeks ago. At first I was in shock but a little later the tears broke out.. I was chocking them back for most of the day, even at work. Finally, at night when my mom came back home from Borden after 17 day course we went out side and i couldnt help myself. I bawled, i missed that dog. I know it may seem odd but i grew so attached to that dog, i would even give her some fresh drinking water on real hot days when she was outside or just walk up to her and pet her. May she RIP
The thing is, I have repressed any emotion like that my whole life. I definelty fell into the worst form of thinking of ''men dont have feelings, or shouldnt'' growing up so i repressed everything. Largely not to be a victim of looking like a ''sissy'' and to in away space out of my own truamas. I was an overly senstive kid up till age 9 or so. And even making a transition to being a woman, i still had that thinking that I shouldnt show emotions like that in my head. It is something that still daunts me because it has been locked into my sub-consious and something i need to work on. Still, I have noticed that being on E and full time living that thingsare almost sorting themselves out on somethings. Yestarday i cried so much but it felt beautiful. I was crying do to real empathy and caring about others, or just being so good inside i could cry. Whereas before if i cried i was having a meltdown or breakdown that always had a destructive side. And, yestarday after i left it out i felt like I could move on.. not have it fester in me still.
I honestly still cant wait till August when i do the EMDR and have a brand new life in a new place. Maybe I am getting human emotions again i havent been able to feel fully like like 15 years or maybe i am just an emotinal basket case but I gotta say , Estrogen has been my biggest anti-depressent and anti-anxiety med i have ever taken <3
Love-Ashley
