WOW I have not gotten to use a forum in ages, people just seem to be migrating to social networks and Discord. That's beside the point. Hi!
Okay, generic intro... It's been a while, so I'll try my best to make this complete and concise!
Basics:
I am a 26 year old MtF residing in California (to staff who may question my GeoIP, it says UK because I have to use a VPN to connect to a certain IRC server to talk with friends) and have been on HRT since July of 2016. I'm not sure if I want to talk or not, I've had varying levels of success feeling any better from talking about related difficulties. Given, it was done primarily with a group of people who know me as their only trans* person and another group of trans* individuals who are an entire decade younger than me and have issues all their own. Part of me just wants to return to a forum feel of communicating as I feel like posts lend themselves to people touching upon and finishing a thought without pause compared to in a chat. I may post identifying information from time to time such as my first name or pictures, and this habit is not unique to this community. I actually frequently use an avatar featuring my legal first name, not that it means much, it was chosen partially because it was extremely common.
Gender stuff:
I've seen things and been through them myself. I don't envy anyone, it's a difficult journey regardless of what we look like or what we have. I sometimes get a sense of smugness from other passing MtFs in my city, but I see much more despair. Yeah, I seem to pass and I'm actually coming to terms with that as odd as it may sound, but I'm also really worried about others and try to help some navigate ID changes and take them to where they need to go. They always seem to give me insight into new things I'd never thought about. But I digress.
My transition from the beginning has been something of a trial by fire. When I was 25 I got to go to the hospital in an ambulance for passing out in a public place in January of 2016, and after I passed out in the hospital I woke up naked with several people around me and a lot of pain in my chest because they had just broken my ribs to keep me alive. It turns out there's an electrical problem and my heart beats too slow (about 30BPM) so I get a pacemaker. After nearly dying and seeing therapists about this who ended up digging up my dysphoria, I couldn't really suppress it any longer, and so I began crossdressing to let off steam, even if it got me guaranteed reactions for better or worse. Doesn't sound like much by itself, but I'd actually donated all of my male clothes that same day to prevent myself from running to them for comfort. It was my first time out of the house and even just in front of people in the house like that, too. I didn't take a semester off of college nor did I cancel or move any appointments, it wasn't worth it to me if all I was going to do is hide. Sometimes I held it together, sometimes I would be clearly holding back tears and an urge to vomit as I get to my car to have a breakdown. I got yelled and cursed at by my primary care physician and told not to come back and was given a nasty paper. I started HRT not long after that on July 22nd, and officially in October. I had to get a new cardiologist after my then current asked me to do unnecessary stuff like remove my blouse to see my pacemaker scar and actually ripped the collar and blouse aside without saying a word before he asked me to remove it to show him a scar that was nearly visible in the first place. The legal name change also left me shattered when I got denied on my first court date, and to make it worse the judge was having a bad day and made me have to argue that I was indeed (deadname) on a microphone in a crowded courthouse surrounded by about 200 people that day.
After all that? I seem to pass, I mean I don't get stared at or reacted to in odd ways anymore and I love it... But at the same time I feel like all the difficult stuff made me pessimistic and either I still don't feel all that passable because of one mean person, or I just don't completely have my mind wrapped around what feels like just waking up and passing for female one day. Because I don't have have much of a fight in front of me anymore I've begun taking up others' alongside them, whether being an extra person to sit there with them at the DMV for support, helping them file grievances, or showing them how to get affordable transgender care and support in my city. Maybe I do that to feel better than someone else, maybe I believe in karma and do it for that, maybe I'm just trying to find my own answers in others. My memory is a bit fuzzy these days, but I have the horrible feeling in the back of my mind that I was once a jerk to a trans person online having BS personal requirements to recognize them or something. I can't remember anything even resembling specifics, and it may not have even happened because I've only expressed admiration to local people starting out for their courage that I couldn't muster myself. Regardless, I wouldn't know how to find this person I wronged even if I were sure they existed in the first place, so I kind of put my time and fuel, and maybe a bit of money at the DMV if they don't have it, into atoning for that.
Sorry for the long post.
