Weird Fear of Having to De-Transition (read for details..)

[baileycftm]

Hey all!
So the title seems weird, but I have this weird fear of being "wrong" in the long run.

I just had top surgery Tuesday, I've been over a year and a half on T, I'm quite happy with my life now, I'm loving my reflection, I can focus and set goals and work towards them, I feel I have a future...a lot of good things going since starting T and really living as my true self!

But every now and again, I have this odd fear of being wrong. I often think about those who de-transition, especially after major changes, and wonder how they manage their lives after these major changes. I don't know...I know I'm right in the way I feel...but I still worry.  Does anyone else have this issue?

[SailorMars1994]

Its called doubt dude, we all, or almost all of us have been there at some stage. I know I was, and i even tried to go back as my birth sex (male)..... Well, it didnt last long at all. In addition to that I really really really didnt want to ''go back'' but i was obsessed with the idea that i was not truly a woman/ trans. Well, i gave maleness a semi-try.... Tho I discovered that still spending much of my time at home wearing female clothing, make-up and trying to reconnect with my femininity in addition to heavy dysphoria shows that i am indeed a woman. When those doubts come up ALWAYS remember, you walked down this path for a reason. That reason is to be you.

Hugs

[kuudos]

As a transgendered individual about to go on testosterone, I have my own insecurities. "What if my voice still sounds female? What if even on testosterone, it'll be obvious to everyone that I'm trans?" I feel like a lot of these are inevitable, and that they don't make you a bad person. I feel a lot of apprehension and insecurity that I won't transition well, or that somehow, remarkably, even though I have intense body dysphoria, I will wind up being wrong later. I've heard that in genuine transgender individuals, that their brain scans will match more closely to the opposite sex. I wish that in some circles I could have a brain scan to "prove" that I'm trans, but honestly if my brain came up as female, that still wouldn't stop my constant dysphoria. But maybe my biggest fear is that once you're on HRT, as far as I know, you're on it for life, meaning that I'd be an eighty-year-old man still paying for testosterone shots and shooting them into my thigh. All and all, it is a lot of pressure.

I think that the course of action from me will be to continue on to start testosterone, as I imagine that there isn't a trans man who wasn't nervous at this point, and if I try it and find that it's not for me, I'll stop it immediately, but if I try it and it lessens my dysphoria and helps make me more secure of my outward presentation, I'll stay on it.

[Floof]

I had this lingering fear of being wrong in me since I came out 8 years ago, right up to the moment where the nurses removed the bandages and I got to see my vagina for the very first time 2.5 weeks ago.. Only then could I feel the doubt finally lift completely, as all those years of hating my body went with it. Taking of my clothes in front of the nurse and Dr Chet for my pre-surgery consultation was incredibly hard and the first time since I was a child that someone else saw me naked.. Now just days after I have no trouble undressing for the daily nurse visits, I'm genuinely happy and proud of my body!.. And it really took that much to have the doubt lift.

So idk what to tell you, it may always be there.. But in those moments of doubt try to remember how right it actually feels most of the time, to be the male you, and how wrong and uncomfortable you used to feel in your old skin. I know that despite my doubts, every step towards the true me has made living better and easier even tho there have been hard times.