Wife just doesn't get it

[alex82]

Tell me Alex what's your view on divorce in cis-society? Sure it's hard on everyone when a transgender person comes out and the marriage breaks down, but you make it sound so horribly different than a standard divorce.  People change all the time and get divorced or come to some sort of agreement to deal with the change.  It's not just a transgender thing.

Also sex isn't everything in a marriage.  People who have loved each other for years can sometimes persevere without sex and still be happy.  Jennifer Finney Boylan marriage is an example of this.


Take care,
Paige

My perspective is that there is no problem with divorce, and people should not feel obligated to continue their marriage if it's not working, for any reason that they feel. They should not be made to feel that they were lacking in effort.

Not different at all. Just one valid reason out of many. If it's over, it's over. If one person wants a relationship to be over, it's over.

[ainsley]

That's your experience, which is great.

This persons wife is not 'ainsleysexual' and is struggling with something that she has no obligation to accept. She has a right to that perspective.

Right, so you've missed the point.  Your perspective of OPs wife's perspective was what I was referring to.  Not the OP's wife's perspective.  Try not to lose perspective here...

Your perspective was negative and pointed out the negative aspect she may, or may not see.  Others in this thread attempted to balance that with positive perspectives, including how a marriage plays into that. 

I even pointed out my Wife's perspective to illustrate the correct perspective we are talking about, which is the OP's wife's perspective.  I drew a correlation, but on the positive side.  You took the opportunity to diminish that with your statement "This persons wife is not 'ainsleysexual'".  Which is something that you don't know...she has never met me.  She may be.  Or she may be OPsexual, in this case....  

[IvyRenee]

Ladies,

I appreciate all of the responses here.  A struggle it will certainly be.  I expected that.  My wife's absolutely more supportive of PARTS of this than I expected.  Last night she came home with a gorgeous top for me, saying she saw how much I liked a similar dress, and thought I might like this top.  It's so beautiful.  She's doing better than I expected.  I'm not sure our marriage would weather a full transition, but I'll take the little bits I can right now, to stay with the love of my life, and in the lives of our children.  Y'all are a truly special and wonderful group, and I thank my God for you.

Love y'all,
Ivy

[sophie89]

I have to say after reading your post, my feelings are very similar to Ainsley's because I've been in the same boat. It took me a long time to come to terms with my own gender identity. Personally, I had a lot of denial that stemmed from my desire to hold my marriage together, live up to everyone's expectations of me, etc.  Even after I came to the conclusion that I needed to transition, I still was not fully honest with myself or my wife.  I kept trying to minimize or understate things to spare her feelings.  It's cause a lot of additional pain and really complicated things for us.

As it stands now, I've fully accepted that I am a woman, that transition is the only thing that will allow me to continue to be in this life, and I've accepted the fact that my marriage will never be the same as a result and may not survive at all. That last point was very hard to accept, and there were countless times where I thought I had come to accept it only to realize I was still in denial. 

Your experience may be different, but like Ainsley, when I read what you had to post a lot of it resonated with me and I have to wonder if you maybe have some layers of similar denial that you need to work through as well.

Hi Alyssa
i feel exactly the same as you and am going down the same raod
Sophie

[alex82]

Ladies,

I appreciate all of the responses here.  A struggle it will certainly be.  I expected that.  My wife's absolutely more supportive of PARTS of this than I expected.  Last night she came home with a gorgeous top for me, saying she saw how much I liked a similar dress, and thought I might like this top.  It's so beautiful.  She's doing better than I expected.  I'm not sure our marriage would weather a full transition, but I'll take the little bits I can right now, to stay with the love of my life, and in the lives of our children.  Y'all are a truly special and wonderful group, and I thank my God for you.

Love y'all,
Ivy

Good, I hope everything works out for both of you, and whether you separate or stay together, I hope you both have the best of luck in the future.

[alex82]

Right, so you've missed the point.  Your perspective of OPs wife's perspective was what I was referring to.  Not the OP's wife's perspective.  Try not to lose perspective here...

Your perspective was negative and pointed out the negative aspect she may, or may not see.  Others in this thread attempted to balance that with positive perspectives, including how a marriage plays into that. 

I even pointed out my Wife's perspective to illustrate the correct perspective we are talking about, which is the OP's wife's perspective.  I drew a correlation, but on the positive side.  You took the opportunity to diminish that with your statement "This persons wife is not 'ainsleysexual'".  Which is something that you don't know...she has never met me.  She may be.  Or she may be OPsexual, in this case....

No, I didn't 'miss' anything.

I didn't miss what you said, what others have said, or what the OP said, or what title they gave the thread which explicitly states 'wife just doesn't get it' - although you seem to have willfully missed what I said about that, which is that she doesn't have to. She must do whatever is right for however she feels, and that is the bottom line.

It's not about me, and it's not about you.

I said your current outcome was 'great' - for you. And I wished the OP every happiness with their own life. Far from being negative, I positively said (and politely clarified when asked) that nobody should ever feel obligated to live a life they do not desire or do not feel comfortable with. That's the sum total of what I said, and it's positively true. There is nothing negative in that.