Best time for coming out to friends/relatives

[gallux]

Hi Ladies,

Recently, after tough months of discussions and argument, my wife accepted the fact that I will begin a transition, and at least for the moment she is accepting this challenge... not sure if it will last when I effectively start transitioning, but I won't keep stressing about what may happen to our relationship and enjoy this little victory for a while...

Now, my transition will not start right now... I will hold it off for a few months since we are getting pregnant, and I'm afraid it might affect my fertility and the baby itself... so during this period, I am pretty sure I will be the most anxious I have been in my life, but it will be good to take some preliminary steps.

As for planning, there is one thing that is now annoying me more than anything. Okay, my wife is in with me... but now, how about the rest of the family, friends and everyone else?

I need to come up with a plan to come out to all the rest of the people that matters to me, parents/siblings (mine and hers), close friends and extended families. We are very attached to our families, and specially hers. And I am specially concerned because of her, for obvious reasons.

In my understanding, there are 3 ways of dealing with this:

- Come out right now... tell everyone about my situation and be honest of what is to come. But this would cause the most trouble in my viewpoint, since everyone will shun me and will either think I am crazy, or try to convince me this is a phase... and her family would just tell her to leave me while she can...

- Wait until I'm into transition, or male-failing (oh how I hope this happen!): Then, nothing else would prevent me anymore... I think it would be easier to explain and they will see that I am not faking it or trying to gain attention.

- Not come out at ALL and transition in secret away from everyone: I have been considering moving away to another country with my wife and start over, and open... possibly in stealth mode at that point. Maybe come back much later as the real myself after transition and see the consequences... this was my plan before when I thought my wife was not gonna accept the transition and I would have to do it all alone... it is the most difficult as it involves starting from scratch and a new life basically...

So, I'd like to see some of your experiences if possible so I can decide which one of these steps (or maybe others) I can take for my outing in a family/dear ones aspect.

Thank you! :*

[KathyLauren]

Each situation is unique.  I am in a similar situation to you in that my wife decided to stick with me.  My situation is different in that we are in our 60s and raising a family of our own is not a factor.

I didn't come out all at once.  We told several selected friends and relatives that we were sure we could count on to be supportive and discrete.  It meant a lot to have that support in place behind us before we attempted to come out locally.  We gradually came out to more people as time went along.

Finally, once I was on HRT and approaching male fail, I decided on a date to come out to the world and my local community.  I wanted to tell as many people as I could in person, but obviously I could not do it all at once.  So I carefully planned a sequence of events over several days so as to manage the spread of gossip and to avoid hurting people's feelings.

It went well, better than I expected.  As soon as the first group had been told, I updated my Facebook account, so that people hearing gossip could check and confirm the details for themselves.  I also emailed the remaining relatives at that point.

[gallux]

Thank you Kathy, yes in fact I am considering the second option, to start HRT, work in everything to make me passable or at least give me the confidence I need to come out (or male fail and have nowhere to hide anymore  )

I guess moving away from everyone would be too harsh for both of us, since we are so attached to our family and friends. I guess I should see this as a "trial". If I want to truly live as the true me, I will have to face everyone... as I saw in one article I read: with pride, dignity and class.

[Denise]

It takes a few months on hormones to make a noticable difference.  Especially if you see these people regularly.  I suggest telling one or two on each side (your family, in-laws).  Pick the ones who you think would be the most supportive.  I'm a few months start telling the others.  When you get to those who might have a bad reaction, bring a friendly family ally who might be able to defuse a bad situation.

IMHO do NOT show up at family gathering enfem and announce it that way.  Halloween might sound like a fun/good time to dress up and tell people... It isn't. Trust me.

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