Feel like I could cry...

[SailorMars1994]

Hey girls and boys, its the famous SailorMars here. I will say this post is rather unusural for me given that these past two months in particular have been stellar and indeed 2017 has gotten me closer to myself then probably ever. I have opened my eye more and tbh, feel more intune with my womanhood (trans-related) and also dreams, motiivations, hard work and goals (not trans related). Idk, I see a reformed girl that wants to actual turn simple day dreams into reality. Great stuff yes?... But i wont lie, i still deal with bouts of dysphoria. I am still disgusted and upset by my penis, that when I am laying down at night i can feel my stubble of neckhair trying to grow back again and when i move my head feel it prick across my chin and such. I still get personally saddened and hurt when I get misgendered (tho, it has been dramatically reduced). I am a fighter, but i cant lie these things still really upset me and and this very moment I can do nothing about it. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I cant wait until this whole transition is over and there will be just me... a woman to my liking. The only thing that has been making me get by and still have rather good days despite some down moments at times is knowing I am a woman, and this takes time. It just still bothers me

Thanks for reading-Ashley

[Erika_Courtney]

It is okay to cry.

Just keep taking one step forward one day at a time.

[HappyMoni]

I kind of see this as a good sign in a weird way. It indicates the desire is strong enough that you really  do know your direction. I know your decisiveness on your direction was an issue earlier. Now the sucky part is the horrible feeling and having to be patient. Welcome to Transland, Honey, you belong for sure.

Moni

Erika, I love that avatar picture, it is is amazing and meaningful in its own way. It might just be the meaning of life. lol

[Laurie]

Hi Ashley,

  My gosh girl. Don't you know we all feel like you? There isn't a one of us that does not have those same feelings. I was just lamenting to Lzi this morning how I am impatient to see some indication that  electrolysis is doing something. That the stings mean something, yet what have I got to show for my three whole hours of pain? That's right 3 whole hours! and I can discern absolutely nothing for them, nothing! Ridiculous isn't it? I mean really what is 3 hours when it is going to take over at least one hundred hour before the job is done.
   It silly I know but I still feel I should see something and I want my facial hair gone now, not a hundred hours from now. Totally irrational but hon, these feelings and emotions we get are anything but rational.
   This whole transition thing seems irrational to me when I allow myself to think about it. It goes against everything I've been taught. It goes against all my life experiences. But I want it, I know it's right for me in spite of all these reasonable doubts. I can tell by all the joy I get with each little step I take in the process. I do not feel wrong with any of it. What is wrong is thinking I am a man.
   Just look at all the progress and joy being Ashley has been doing for you girl. Don't let the little bits of nonsense get a hold on you. You know it isn't the you that you know you are.

    Hang in there and things will change.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks girls! I appreciate it all. I guess in some way I can be greatful knowing that I am better off now then 6 months ago and, thanks to double estrogen I have been noticing improvments in myself. Guess it is just the waiting game eh

[Paige]

But i wont lie, i still deal with bouts of dysphoria. I am still disgusted and upset by my penis,

Hey Ashley,

How much longer are you in Ontario before you move to Manitoba?  I ask this because SRS is covered in Ontario and I don't think it's covered in Manitoba.

Glad things are going better for you,
Paige

[KathyLauren]

I am pretty sure that, with the addition of New Brunswick last year, bottom surgery is covered in all Canadian provinces and territories.

[Marcieelizabeth]

I do cry...thanks for making me feel less alone!

[Paige]

I am pretty sure that, with the addition of New Brunswick last year, bottom surgery is covered in all Canadian provinces and territories.

That's cool.  Thanks Kathy.

Paige

[Ciara]

I cry too.....It's hard not to when I feel that dreaded dysphoria.
It's ok to cry.
Ciara.

[Asche]

I think it's normal when you're transitioning.

I feel like crying(*) all the time.  I mean, there are moments that are great, but mostly this business of becoming myself and peeling off the layers that protected but also imprisoned me is really painful.  What keeps me from giving up and ending it all (besides my commitment to my kids) is the support I get from my therapist and my trans friends who tell me this is normal.  It's been this bad for over a year now, and I've still got a long way to go (**), but everyone says it does get better.

I also think that the inner transition is the hardest and the transition that takes the longest.  Even if I could get SRS tomorrow, I'd still have a long way to swim...

(*) I feel like crying, but I can't.  That's really hard.  I keep hoping that at some point I will be able to....

(**) My therapist says it's like I'm swimming across the Atlantic.  From where I am, at the level of the waves, it looks like I'm swimming and swimming and getting nowhere, but from her perspective, she sees constant progress.  It's just a long, long way.

FWIW, I figured that if you could swim at a constant 2 mph 24/7, you'd manage about 50 miles/day, or 1500 miles per month.  At that rate, it would take two months to cross the Atlantic.  I've been swimming for 12 months, so ...?

[AlyssaJ]

Just adding my support here and I'll share that I too am experiencing much of what you're going through.  The stubble on my face is a huge source of anxiety for me.  Last night however, I got hammered by dysphoria after trying on a couple dresses.  They fit everywhere except across my chest/shoulders.  My broad shoulders and wide rib cage strike again, and I cried.

Crying is ok hun, from what I've seen it's just part of the experience.  Be strong and keep your focus on why you're doing all of this.  You'll make it!!

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you everybody for the kind words <3 it is very uplifting to hear i am not alone!

Also yes Manitoba covers GRS.. and from what I have heard, Manitobas transhealth is among the best in the country... the Klinic in Manitoba actually treats its clients like people, not like CAMH which either sees you are a fetishist or as a ashamed gay male and tries to do conversion therapay.

[Rachel]

Transition is a marathon. Everyone in transition feels as you do at times.

Electrolysis seams to go on forever and I am really tired of surgeries and procedures. At some point I need to start a new life and take risks and find new friends.

Crying is a good thing; you are not alone.

[SailorMars1994]

Transition is a marathon. Everyone in transition feels as you do at times.

Electrolysis seams to go on forever and I am really tired of surgeries and procedures. At some point I need to start a new life and take risks and find new friends.

Crying is a good thing; you are not alone.

Thanks girl! Maybe one day one day when both of our surgeries and such are done we can sip on some wine and laugh and the down moments hehehe

[Ofelia]

This is the affirmation I have on my desktop. It may be of some help.. ?

Keep going.
You're doing great.
You might not be where you want to be just yet, but that's okay.
Just take it one step at a time and keep believing in yourself.
And remember; No matter what happens...
You can still enjoy your life and be happy.