T and Psychological/Behavorial Changes

[Deano]

So I needed to do this rant in order to figure out if I'm going crazy or this happened to other trans guys before me.

I'm entering my 7th month since my first shot. My T levels are high according to my doctor, but not enough to cause concern about natural levels. I'm getting a lot of awesome physical changes and mentally I also feel I'm feeling more free to be myself on my best days.

I'm gonna go ahead and describe my bad ones since I wonder if this makes sense at this juncture. I was always a pretty independent guy before, but I still had my moments where I felt this overwhelming need for affection from my partner (not sexual, just stuff like hugging, kissing, caressing). I felt the urge to have couple activities more.

Now that I started T and came into my own, it feels like I'm realizing the more my estrogen drops, the less I need this. The more I retreat into myself and need to mancave a -lot-. It's not that I don't love both my partners (I'm poly) or enjoy their company. I just end up not having the urge to have so much proximity and sometimes feel uncomfortable when they point out I hardly use pet names anymore, see their reactions to me getting a bit rougher around the edges (physically violent in the gym in my workouts) and get startled (one of them has PTSD from something that happened to them a long time ago even though I personally was never violent with them per se), and that I'm not constantly giving affection. It makes me feel like I've gone cold when truly I know it's not the case and I'm just coming into my own, my old personality traits shifting and transforming along with what I'm going through. I like my intensity and don't want to let go of it.

It feels kind of complex to trust anyone when they tell me it's okay to be myself and I'm enough, when it constantly gets pointed out ''oh you do this and that differently'' like it's a tragedy. Don't think it's such a bad thing to need my space to process things, or to not need to give or receive as much affection nowadays. One of my two partners is starting on his transition, and I don't know if he'll end up in the same situation as me as his T levels rise, but until then I'm having a hard time explaining to him that I'm just being the way I am and not trying to get away from him. It's starting to make me nervous since I don't know how to act around him to manage to reassure him and sometimes I have to ask myself if me becoming more myself makes him feel I'm less lovable.

The way I see it with a cool head is that I have a lot to process and it's normal I need my zone more than before. I'm doing two contact sports and I'm still pre top and can't wear a binder in gyms, and I'm experiencing devastating dysphoria over that. I'm yet to get my name changed, so it's gonna appear on all my cards and work permits. I'm yet to have my hysto, so my hormones are waging war inside me right now. I'm shooting for a wrestling career but struggle to work in the ring because of the constant misgendering and fragility jokes. I have more aggression than I know what to do with sometimes.

How do you guys deal with this sort of crap and not lose your relationships? One of my two partners likes the roughness about me, but the other not so much, I can tell. Even if I'm not evacuating on any of them directly and am more the type to deal with stuff on my own.

Would appreciate any and all advice, thank you.

[Julia1996]

Hi. I can't really give you relationship advice but the stuff you describe pretty much sounds like the guys I've been with. I've noticed a lot of guys aren't that loving and affectionate unless they are trying to get sex. I've never heard guys using petnames with anyone either. From the guys I have been with I noticed that like I said, they only got super affectionate when they wanted sex and the longer I was with them that decreased. So it sounds to me like you're just like any other guy. Testosterone is probably causing your lack of interest in cuddling, etc. I've always liked cuddling but after starting hrt and testosterone blockers the desire for cuddling and stuff like that increased a lot. I also don't think needing time alone is unusual. Transition is a lot to think about and process.  I hope things get better for you soon.

[Kylo]

Happened to me as well.

As you say, more "rough around the edges" and less fawning over others or desiring a lot of physical contact. I wasn't much the type that wanted a lot of it before anyway, but I can tell it's mostly disappeared.

Not sure what to advise - with other guys it's less of a problem, with women they tend to want the reassurance of it and you'll have to remind yourself of that.

[James80]

I hope this happens for me at some point. I still feel the desire for contact pretty strongly. Not as strongly as the desire for sex, but it's definitely still there.

[November Fox]

I think this is normal.

I´m "less" affectionate, although that isn´t entirely the best way to describe it. I just have less need for things sentimental. It doesn´t mean that I love people less, I just take a little more distance, between my own space and theirs. For me, it feels healthy.

Pet names are a good example of this. I used to be very thick with the pet names, now I don´t have the need for them. Estrogen and testosterone are two very different things, so people can´t expect you to be exactly the same way as you were before or feel exactly the same way.

[Deano]

It pretty much goes to confirm what I thought, but for me it's not just about not needing sentimental things. I think I still have a lot of intensity when it comes to that, but I guess I express it more in the things I say and the decisions I make in the bigger picture. I can be there for my partner, at a level that clearly goes past friendship, enjoy some kissing and a bit of caressing, but it doesn't really last more than a few seconds without me feeling uncomfortable and needing to just go do my thing. Has a lot to do with how my bottom dysphoria keeps me from having sex and my libido that's currently driving me bat->-bleeped-<-. From there I think I put up walls, but I also just feel like I legit don't need this physical attachment. I get internally annoyed when there's too much of it somehow. I enjoy doing things on my own. I guess it's fine to be different from my partner when it comes to that, as long as we understand each other.

Hoping I'll be more comfortable with this when I manage to reconcile with my sex life. It's been a hell of a deep scar to have. Sometimes feel like I'm a goddamn virgin considering I've always had so much dysphoria in bed and I've only recently figured out that what I needed was to transition. Taking the steps to get comfortable with my body has been painful considering it's about getting used to wearing a packer (which I can't endure to wear for more than two days at a time) or using toys that I consider to be a turn off... I guess down the line it's clear I will need bottom surgery. It's just out of my reach for now. I've been taking T for 7 months, and have two surgeries I need to take care of long before that (hysto and top). This aspect of my life has been hell, I'm not gonna deny it. It makes me end up feeling like anything halfway there I can only resent. So I really struggle to be open to just being ''in the moment'' with that quiet tender closeness. It's never a place I feel good visiting for too long.

I think the hardest part is accepting my feelings about this because clearly they make sense given the situation. I just feel guilty sometimes, seeing myself as cold and remote, but then again I'd defend my position if I was accused of something like that. I'd know what to say. Got enough to deal with right now without trying to be someone I'm not and if that's not enough, I'll never be enough. Gotta get through this somehow.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

[Kylo]

You said it yourself. What you are going through is way beyond the level of psychological difficulty the average person has or ever has to deal with, it's a mental meat grinder. You might need to cut yourself some breaks and not feel bad that you require space or that you just don't feel like doing certain things, and that's fine.

[Ryuichi13]

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I feel the need to touch my partner more, but usually only when we're out in public.  However, I recognise it as being more along the lines of *caveman grunt* "MINE!" 

Otherwise, I don't seem to need as much non-sexual contact, now that I think about it.  Hmmmm....

Ryuichi

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