New. Scared

[camerashy_36]

Hello all,

Over the last year I've been in therapy because I finally admitted I was questioning my gender. The other day my husband gave me the ok (not that he had to, more a sign of support) to explore and do what I need to do. I wish I could pass but I can't. I wish for so much but I don't know if it'll ever come. Does anyone else feel like this?


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[KathyLauren]

Welcome, camerashy!

Almost everyone feels like you do when they first start.  It's okay; you are normal. 

I have been out to my wife for a year (exactly a year next Thrsday), and am now at five months on HRT, and I still get the occasional "WTF am I doing" moment.  They get less frequent as I get more experience in being myself.

I am glad that your husband is being supportive.  Having a supportive spouse makes the journey a whole lot easier and more pleasant.

Don't worry too much about passing.  The changes on HRT can be dramatic, and there are lots of other things you can do with behaviour, body language and clothing that will help.

[camerashy_36]

Welcome, camerashy!

Almost everyone feels like you do when they first start.  It's okay; you are normal. 

I have been out to my wife for a year (exactly a year next Thrsday), and am now at five months on HRT, and I still get the occasional "WTF am I doing" moment.  They get less frequent as I get more experience in being myself.

I am glad that your husband is being supportive.  Having a supportive spouse makes the journey a whole lot easier and more pleasant.

Don't worry too much about passing.  The changes on HRT can be dramatic, and there are lots of other things you can do with behaviour, body language and clothing that will help.

thanks. It's the WTF feeling I'm trying to get over. He is supportive but also afraid he won't be attracted to me or that hormones will stop sex from happening. I want to explore more, clothes and makeup and such, but being slightly overweight and more masculine, I just keep hearing "you'll make an ugly girl."  Sorry if I seem all "whoa is me."  [emoji3]


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[karenk1959]

Hi, I for one have come to the realization of my true self but have decided not to transition. I have found that the love that I give and get back in return from my wife, children and friends is a great force that I don't wish to be without. My wife also married me with the expectation that I was a male and is wired to be attracted to and intimate with a man. I have honored her true self.

Be careful on this website. There are a lot of people that imply that you can't be at peace unless you transition. Many say that they know that many don't transition, but many imply that you're not transitioning "for now", that gender dysphoria will ultimately make you go down that path. Discuss with your therapist the potential consequences of transitioning and know that you have a choice the way you wish to live your life. I have accepted who I am and instead of being consumed with gender dysphoria, I prefer to think outside my self and give all my love to those I love with all my heart. By transitioning I very well could destroy all of those relationships. My acceptance has left me at peace.

[KathyLauren]

Well, you'd be surprised what clothes, makeup and accessories can do!  Here is a 'before' picture of me.  This picture and my avatar picture were taken only a couple of weeks apart, pre HRT.

[josie76]

Yes. Every trans person feels that exact thing. I can only tell you that I am feeling better in myself than I ever had my entire life. Finally admitting and facing who I am allowed a mental freedom I did not know existed. I am on hormones and will fully transition when I can. Knowing what my path is doesn't really make being in society feel any easier though. I'm MTF so right now I'm getting confused looks as mostly I'm not presenting female, I'm just starting to show feminine changes. I always have this fear in the back of my mind, "what if I can not pass when I do try to live my life, my real life?"


That fear is there but for me anyway, I knew I would not make it another decade feeling like I was. Gosh, thinking about that, it seems like a distant memory. Almost like I can't remember the feeling itself.

If you decide to go on HRT I suggest start low dose at first. My endocrinologist likes to do it that way so the person can tell for certain if it helps their life before committing to full dosages. For me getting the right hormone in me for the way my brain is wired was like a paradime shift in my well being. I was already very low T so the E hit me within the first hour of taking it. I was driving home and just suddenly realized I felt almost happy for no particular reason. It was awesome after so many years of flat, blank dispair. Of course prior to taking that first pill my hormone levels were low enough I was basically experiencing PMS. Soo glad that's over! I'm now on a full dose and feel better than ever. If I can ever get over my social fears and let my inner self show I can only imagine what life can be like.

[josie76]

Hi, I for one have come to the realization of my true self but have decided not to transition. I have found that the love that I give and get back in return from my wife, children and friends is a great force that I don't wish to be without. My wife also married me with the expectation that I was a male and is wired to be attracted to and intimate with a man. I have honored her true self.

Be careful on this website. There are a lot of people that imply that you can't be at peace unless you transition. Many say that they know that many don't transition, but many imply that you're not transitioning "for now", that gender dysphoria will ultimately make you go down that path. Discuss with your therapist the potential consequences of transitioning and know that you have a choice the way you wish to live your life. I have accepted who I am and instead of being consumed with gender dysphoria, I prefer to think outside my self and give all my love to those I love with all my heart. By transitioning I very well could destroy all of those relationships. My acceptance has left me at peace.

Yes loosing family and friends transitioning is a huge risk that needs to be carefully considered. Many of us get wrapped with our personal progress and forget that not everyone needs to go so far. For me I did the focus on others and quite literally anything to avoid dealing with my feelings and those instincts, thoughts that would never let me "fit in" or understand male culture. There is a range of people that fit into the trans discription. Your choice must be carefully made for your health.

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the site camerashy_36

I wish I could pass but I can't.

1.  Passing is not a requirement.  A lot of transgender people let this stop them and end up living in an unnecessarily depressed and dysphoric state just because of what narrow-minded transphobes think about them.  It's tougher if one doesn't pass, but there are definitely advantages to not living a double life anymore.  All the energy of hiding is suddenly released for other purposes for example.  Personally, most of my dysphoria is social.  I need to relate to the world as a woman and let everybody and his brother see that.  The pain of living a double life is more than I can bear.

I just keep hearing "you'll make an ugly girl."

2.  Whoever is telling you that is being terribly unsupportive and borderline abusive IMO. I certainly hope it's not your spouse.

[elkie-t]

You can work real hard at passing, fail and feel devastated.
Or you can learn to allow yourself be feminine, without trying to hide what you cannot and still enjoying being out. You will be read, and often, yet people seems to be more supportive of a happy person comfortable in her image, than of a person going into highest details of trying of achieving female image as they see it at the cost of comfort and stress to themselves.