alright, so ... i'm new to joining this forum but i've known of this website for a long time. i only just recently decided to join because things are getting more serious. this post will be a long one with lots of info, just a warning. there's also mentions (not descriptive) of an eating disorder, so if you're very triggered by that i wouldn't recommend reading.
for starters, i'm AFAB, 17 years old, and i guess i identify as non-binary. although, what my identity is happens to be a part of my struggle right now. for a bit of history, as a young kid i don't think i recall thinking too much about my gender. as most kids probably don't. because at that point, you have a neutral body, i had nothing to be dysphoric about and my mom dressed me in female clothes because i was a girl. i didn't really care, i liked stereotypical female things but i also liked some stereotypical boy things...i don't think that's very unusual or even that important to mention, but i need to be thorough because i'm struggling and hoping for as much help as possible.
when i was 8 is when i started to feel like a male, more so. so, third grade. in middle school, i developed an eating disorder because puberty was distributing fat to feminine places, and i don't think i was comfortable with that and i wanted to retain my androgynous figure i'd had throughout childhood (obviously, i didn't realize this at the time).
i didn't even know there was a such thing as 'transgender' at that time. but when i did first find out about it, i remember a moment where something clicked. i started researching and in 5th grade i remember already telling my best friend i wanted to 'have a sex change' when i was old enough. i didn't really talk to my parents about this because i had no idea what their stance on lgbt things were.
i've always gotten a lot of severe dysphoria. the thing is, it's not constant. sometimes i'm actually okay with being female. other times, i hate it and all i want is to transition as fast as possible and present as male, completely. these times can last for days, weeks, months, or even years. i never know how severe or how long the bouts of dysphoria will last. i'd say i mostly present as masculine, i'm more comfortable with male pronouns than female ones, and i bind frequently or wear sports bras. trying on regular bras gives me so much immediate dysphoria that i usually end up feeling an overwhelming sense of panic or despair and react very negatively. but i also really, really like wearing makeup and sometimes i want to wear a dress and be very feminine. just...maybe not as frequently as i feel masculine? i honestly don't really know.
often times, i've started feeling extremely hopeless. i really don't want to be non-binary, and would much rather be FtM if it were something i could choose. only because i feel like i'll never be able to get to a physical place that matches how i feel with how weirdly my dysphoria fluctuates if i'm non-binary. i'm terrified of regretting going on T, but at the same time, i'm already uncomfortable generally living as a female. not much would really change, would it?? i'd just be unhappy but on the other end of the spectrum. but i don't feel there's any way to transition to how i truly feel, and i barely even know how i feel or what i identify as. i don't know if i'm just scared, because medically transitioning is a big thing. but i have some FtM trans friends who seem so confident about it. even though, online i've been told that worrying about regret is normal. so, i'm at a huge loss, here. i don't know how common it is to be this scared and unsure about hrt, but also kind of eager to start it asap?
i'm also afraid of aging as a male, too. i also can't tell if...it's because the things i hate on myself, i find attractive on others? i think females are extremely attractive and i'm more comfortable dealing with female anatomy more than i am with male anatomy. i don't know if that could have a factor of me being scared of...getting rid of certain parts of myself, parts that i usually find attractive on other people? as far as surgeries go, i'd only want top surgery, i think. i think i'd get that no matter what, but my main concern right now is hrt.
i know i have time to decide. but i want to get to a place before college where i can feel more comfortable with myself, so to some degree i have made a deadline for myself, and it's obviously been something i've been thinking about for a very, very long time. i have a ton of mental health issues and i do think a big part of them are related to the dysphoria, since i get so distraught whenever it comes up. namely, severe anxiety.
i'm just really scared. i feel like if i truly wanted to go on T, i wouldn't be second-guessing myself this much. it doesn't help that my mom second-guesses me a lot, too, and other than this new gender therapist i just saw for the first time today, she's the only one who FINALLY somewhat supports me on it (after many years). i'm also scared of the side effects of T, mostly the acne and if i do regret it, the permanent changes that would be hard to get rid of. i have PCOS and i already have an imbalance in hormones because of that and just generally as a female, i'm currently on birth control which also seems to effect my dysphoria in some ways too?
the thing is, i'm eligible to go on hrt. i could go down to the clinic right now, get a blood test, have my mom sign the form and get it started sooner than i thought. i wasn't expecting that, and when i discovered this information, i was absolutely
ecstatic. this was just earlier today, by the way. but now here i am, after a small argument with my mom, doubting myself and feeling a ->-bleeped-<- show of different emotions all at once. i don't really know what i'm looking for in responses, and i know seeing this gender therapist might help me, but everything feels like it's just...not going fast enough. like i'm not figuring things out and starting things fast enough. getting where i need to be. any advice or feedback to any of this, or even personal experiences, would be very much appreciated.
if this fits in the transitioning section more, i apologize for putting it here. i've seen similar threads of NB folks being unsure about hrt, so i thought it might be appropriate to put here. since, i mostly do identify as NB, i just don't know the specifics.
