The woman I want to be

[NancyBalik]

I just posted my avatar.  It is a photo from a professional makeover I had about two years ago.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  I spent about five hours as Nancy and felt totally comfortable and accepted.  (I am in the closet with a non-accepting spouse in a DADT relationship.)  I have about 20 pictures from that day.  It brings me great joy to look at them.  In my mind's eye, it is how I think of myself--sometimes I am surprised to look in a mirror and see the pretend-guy staring back at me.  I wish she was able to present herself every day, but I've made the decision I've made to hide her inside my male presentation.

I have decided that I am not ending my marriage for my femininity (please, no lectures about this!)

I am happy to be able to share the woman I want to be with all of you on this site--because I believe you, more than any other people in the world, can and do understand!!!!  Nancy

[Tessa James]

Hey Nancy,

That is a nice pic and I'm glad for you that you had that make-over experience to help sustain yourself.  Rather than lectures I suggest many folks here can readily understand the compromises we have made along the way.  This journey often starts with a dream or persistent vision of who we really are.  How we realize this vision, well maybe there is some choice involved in how and when we take action, eh?

Mirrors have fascinating abilities and liabilities for us and I still try and make friends with that girl in the mirror...

[Denise]

Thank you.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi NancyBalik,

   I'm Laurie. Welcome to Susan's Place. You are right to think many here would understand your situation and it's your right to ask that your decision be honored. None of us here have the right to criticize those choices. I hope it works for you. I lived in a marriage that though I was able to crossdress mostly in private and alone, it was at best tolerated by my ex rather than accepted. I found out recently that her tolerance affected my daughter when she was a little girl by restricting her comings and goings from the house during periods that I was dressed. I had nothing to do with this and was completely unaware of it at the time, yet I was the one the got the resentment that I fear my daughter harbors for me even to this day. It was pretty apparent in our discussion after  I came out to her and my son in law about being trans.  I am saddened that this coming out, though not hostile, it still did not go well and I no longer feel welcome visiting. I feel a need to have a talk with her about it but am afraid of our relationship deteriorating even further. I miss my daughter and 5 grandchildren.
  So, Nancy, I feel i understand your reluctance in trying to keep your home intact even if it keeps you from becoming the woman you want to be. Relationships are hard and take work and sacrifices to make them last. I pray your costs do not become too much.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Dan]

You are a beautiful woman, Nancy. Thanks for sharing your photo.

The best decision is the one that makes you happy most of the time. If this arrangement gives you the space to fully express who you are, then fantastic. 

*** CAUTION LECTURE  ****
I have learned one thing in my life of sacrificing myself for others: if they cannot be happy with who I am, then they will never be happy anyway, no matter what sacrifices I make for them, because it will never be enough for them. I have given away a huge amount of my personal space for others, but it was never really enough.

It is a bit like living in a small house v a large house. Once the small house is filled with stuff, you move into a bigger house thinking that you will finally have the breathing room you need, but in a short space of time, all that extra space is full again, and you are suffocating again. I've decided to give myself what I need. My happiness is as important as that of others in my life. No more, no less.

It is also true, that real love does not have conditions attached that suffocate the personality and freedom of expression of the person you love. This is killing another human being.

*** end of lecture ****

[CarlyMcx]

Hi Nancy.  You are beautiful.  I love your profile photo. 

Since being yourself for such a brief time gave you so much happiness, maybe you should make it a regular thing.  Once a year or so, you could take a long weekend to travel to an LGBT friendly town to spend the whole weekend as yourself.

Just a thought.

Hugs, Carly