I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, impatience and subsequent depression lately. I'm sure I've annoyed some here with my constant worrying and obsessing. So this weekend when I started to feel down again, I took some time to really analyze what is going on. What I've concluded is that I've got a self-esteem problem. As a male, I was doing alright. Through denial I buried my identity for years and did all I could to look good as a male. Bulked up with muscle, kept my body weight low, had a beard and mustache that women loved, etc. Despite the pain on the inside, I was able to at least kid myself into feeling good about myself.
Right now I'm working through this awkward limbo of transition. I do not yet pass as a woman but I've lost what I had as a man. I can't go out without slapping on full-face and neck makeup because I'm still working on hair removal. I still have to wear wigs. Even on my best days, I'm still definitely clocked pretty easily. However, I also don't have that manly physique anymore. I've got long hair and no beard or mustache. I can't even function as a male the way I used to. I have no desire to be part of typical male conversations and have really become distant from other men. But since I'm not full time I can't jump into the women's circles. I can't join in on their conversations or activities unless I'm presenting authentically (which isn't often enough IMHO).
On top of this, I keep comparing myself and my progress to women who are much further down the road with transition. I want to know where I'm heading and you ladies are wonderful inspiration yet I continue to build up anxiety because I don't have the ability to be out and experience life as a female the way you are. This is something I have to fix about my approach. I need to get over my own vanity. I have to stop obsessing over my appearance and just enjoy being me and becoming the woman I've always known I needed to be.
So I'm working on changing my perspective on things. Y'all have been telling me to slow down and just relax but it's so much easier said than done. Now I think I've finally seen the path for myself to apply your advice. I have to stop trying to be like women who've been on hormones for years and just accept that I'm early in my journey, I will get there, and it's not a race. At some point I will feel confident enough with myself and my physical image will be consistent with my personal gender identity. But that day will not be tomorrow, and that's ok.
I'm finding ways to appreciate how far I have come. It's tough to focus on accomplishments when my goals are so much bigger, but I'm trying. In my mind, I know I have accomplished a lot in a very short amount of time, but my heart screams for more and ignores those accomplishments. That has to change. I have to start feeling better about myself or I'll go crazy waiting for the big changes I'm hoping for. I'm making this commitment starting now, that I'll find ways to focus on the positive and the here and now. I'll stop spending so much time thinking about the future and the changes I'm hoping to see. I will do better. I'll falter no doubt. I'll regress at times into feeling low, but when I do, I think I know have the tools to pull myself back out more quickly. I took on transition to be happier, I have to start making that happiness happen each day.
Sorry, I know this was just kind of a rant with no real point, but I feel a need to share.
