Gender therapy?

[jamie-lee]

Hi there

I wanted to ask... I'm not comfortable with who I am, but I don't know what I can do either. Hormones and surgeries do not appeal to me. What can I do? The interwebs are completely short of information. Is going to a gender therapist worth it for me? What do you think?

[KathyLauren]

That is exactly the sort of thing that gender therapists exist for.  A good one will help you to decide what you want and how to go about making it happen.

There are lots of options that do not involve hormones or surgery.  You could cross-dress fully or partially, in private or in public.  You could wear androgynous clothing and/or ornaments, or change your hair style to be more suitable to what you feel.  You could live full-time or part time in your preferred gender role without the use of hormones or surgery.

A therapist can help you sort through those options and perhaps suggest others, as well as preparing you for any difficulties that they may present.

[Dena]

If you are in any way uncomfortable with your gender identity or sexual preference, a gender therapist is the way to go. They have special training in this area however most regular therapist should have some knowledge of this. The right therapist was invaluable to me in order to deal with a life time of issues and to put my head in the right place for the future. I would suggest you consider 4 or 5 sessions to start with and by then you should know if it's right for you.

[jamie-lee]

I tried to talk with a "normal" therapist, but she was very unpleasant. She finds it unacceptable that I identify as male and keeps on arguing with me that I'm wrong. I'm gonna say goodbye to her. She was meant to help, not propagate harmful social "norms". I can't see how we have an honest and helpful talk if she doesn't even accept that some people have their bodies and brains mixed up.

Aha, I understand, more sessions. Mhm, I'm trying to make an appointment, but calling each other is a problem. It's good to know it helps... I've been sturuggling with those things for so long and I feel so torn and I fail so hard.

Thanks for the reply.

[jamie-lee]

Thank you for the reply. Good to know there are options, sometimes... it just feels so hopeless... Sometimes I just want to scream and tear this skin off with my own nails. I mean I like the way I look. But other people supposedly see that as feminine, I don't even understand why, but let's leave it alone. But I might be freaking out right now. I got pretty bad dysphoria this month despite having done a lot and successfully in this direction. I have issues with myself in that regard as well.  I feel immoral / guilty, namely, for presenting as male, and so forth. The therapist I went to made it even worse. Anyway, gender therapy sounds helpful. Thanks.

[JMJW]

Another things you can do is engage in forms of roleplay, be it as a writer, artist, gamer, or whatever you can come up with. Of course as already said, there's crossdressing and make up. As far as I know, gender therapists are useful if you plan to go the medical route, which based on what you've said so far you're straight edge, so if that's off the table if you have any internalized transphobia or shame regarding feminine expression, they can help with that. In some countries they can be gatekeepers to free hair removal and voice training, but if you have to pay for those anyway and you don't have that shame or transphobia or any other mental problems, you can skip the gender therapist. Because if you're just looking for ideas on how to cope with alternate methods of gender expression, you can find that online. Here especially.

[jamie-lee]

Ha ha, I'm female-bodied. I guess I'm just a pretty strange case for some reason. I never was a tomboy to begin with, when most trans/non-binary female-bodied folk are. I wasn't exactly feminine, more androgynous, but not a tomboy either, no typical boy toys, football, short hair until last year, boy clothes or the such... I clearly feel male though. Or at least more male than female. Details don't matter.

Hm. I posted here last year and posted my story. Somewhat has changed since then. I'm pretty sure I'm a butch lesbian now. Almost. I call myself bi, because I like some guys.

I don't know really how it goes with issues with myself. I do have some problems. I didn't realise I had them until recently when I went a really long time in masculine clothes. Something happened and I started to feel so much pain. It might have something to do with what I was told about boys when I was small. I heard a lot of man-hate. Also, I think something from middle high surfaced, when I was like "I became a girl and I hate it". The psyche is a strange thing. Wounds shape you as a person and keep in one place. I feared all of that, now I know why. Hearing negative things about my gender identity from a therapist didn't help either. I know I'm suposed to identify with my sex, I know it. Or that I should be able to make it without making an explicit statement. But I don't identify with my own sex and I'm not able to make it like I lived before. My body lies about me.

I don't really know what I'm looking for, unfortunately. When it comes to gender expression. Maybe I need a bit more patience and things will go back on track.I'm increadibely scared of coming out in a more public manner too. I might be going to different university since autumn, though, and I'm seriously thinking of going by a different name and to rock neckties and stuff from the very beginning. In a new uni it would be easier, people tend to just take certain things as true and not question you if they just meet you.

[BirlPower]

It seems clear that your therapist is the wrong therapist for you, and given their attitude, the wrong therapist for anybody. Any mental health proffessional in this day and age should be aware of gender issues. I think that a therapist saying things to you that invalidate your feelings should go find another job. No one can tell you how you should feel. There is no such thing as an incorrect feeling, whatever you feel is real and valid and I hope you can find someone to talk to who understands and respects that and can help you to a better understanding and acceptance of yourself. That is what a therapist should be doing for you.

No one here will tell you your feelings are wrong. I'm AMAB and identify as non-binary. I have no interest in surgeries but do wonder what effect hormones might have on my mental state. You may not find people here who are exactly like you but there are plenty of us close enough to understand where you are coming from, the feelings you have and the issues you face.

Wishing you all the very best

Hugs
B

[LizK]

I tried to talk with a "normal" therapist, but she was very unpleasant. She finds it unacceptable that I identify as male and keeps on arguing with me that I'm wrong. I'm gonna say goodbye to her. She was meant to help, not propagate harmful social "norms". I can't see how we have an honest and helpful talk if she doesn't even accept that some people have their bodies and brains mixed up.

Aha, I understand, more sessions. Mhm, I'm trying to make an appointment, but calling each other is a problem. It's good to know it helps... I've been sturuggling with those things for so long and I feel so torn and I fail so hard.

Thanks for the reply.

Therapy has helped me in all sorts of ways and a therapist should in my view help you explore what you are feeling and experiencing, certainly not make judgments such as you are describing, because the science around being trans is all pretty straight forward.

They should certainly challenge you from time to time but it should be a supportive relationship first and foremost.

[jamie-lee]

The thing is I'm sure she meant well and in other things she helped me a lot, like... she taught me how to socialise    Or how to set healthy boundaries and handle conflicts. Or tell my opinion from others' expectations. We just had a disagreement there, because, I believe, she just lacks knowledge on the subject. I'm not sure if she knew what she was saying or how I might receive that, also. All those previous things are fine and dandy.

I believe we might just have different wavelengths too, because we she's not a person with whom I have the easiest time talking with and reach understanding what I mean. I was just too down to go find someone else and she's pretty okay.

Or that's just lack of knowledge. She was a bit like... if you're fine with your body, then it's just stereotypes. Hm. That's what I'm afraid to encounter once again. Of course, I didn't mention my relationship with crossdressing and not medical aspects of transitioning, since I feel like the identity is the basis and reason for all of that.

Usually, I'm not super sensitive on the gender topics. I dislike that people see me a a girl, woman, female... but that's about it. I don't go like... He called me a woman, I'm so angry! But if I have a heart to heart conversation with someone about it, that's when it hurts, when I get offended, and so forth.

@BirlPower: hug and thanks

[karenk1959]

I found that unless you live near a medical center that deals in transitioning/SRS, it is very difficult to find a therapist that specializes in gender. I feel more importantly is finding a therapist that you connect with and have chemistry. My therapist did have some child patients that were TG, but I am her first adult. She helped me discover my true self filled with feminine desires and has also helped me to deal with the gender dysphoria associated with not transitioning. I am like you, I don't want to deal with hormones, surgery, hair removal, plastic surgery, etc. Despite all you can do to transition, I have very masculine features and would be anxious and paranoid about other people judging me and being discriminating. I also love my wife to death and can't imagine being without her, which would happen if I transitioned. She has told me that just like I am wired a certain way, she is wired to being attracted to and wanting to be intimate with men. For me, I think that I lie somewhere in the gender spectrum that enough of me identifies as a male to not need to transition. 

[jamie-lee]

I have found someone who specialises in gender. The city is just big, so...

Good to hear you found therapy helpful, Karen.

I feel like if I transitioned, I would lose some part of myself, and I actually like being somewhere in between, or at least don't mind it. I think my identity... I am a quite unisex person, that's a fact. But the inside of my head is strongly masculine and hence my gender expression or presentation constitutes a social barrier. How to get rid of that is what I'd want to get help with, because I already tried on my own, with not enough impact. Yeah

[jamie-lee]

I managed to make an appointment Finally. I'll keep you posted. I'm SO curious.