So confused... What am I really?

[Jessica-Light]

Hey everyone! My names Jessica. I guess you can consider me as a MtF trans girl. I began my transition the summer before I entered high school... I am now 19. My early transition would not have been possible if it wasn't for my mom leaving my dad a year prior to me opening up myself to her.

This topic may be a bit mature for younger members

I first want to add I am a very accepting person to everyone and never cast judgement on who other want to be... I also am not ashamed of who I am and I wouldn't change a thing!

My problem is... I have never really 'felt' female or like I was trapped in a man's body... I always felt like underneath everything I have achieved at the end of the day I was still a boy but I live my life full time as a girl... I never really knew where I fell into in terms of a category or label... I have done so much research and have found very little information on my issue... I don't really meet the definition of a transgender person so this is where I'm confused.

I'm comfortable and have no issue with my penis. I never questioned getting it removed... I've never had an interest of being a 'top' when it comes to getting intimate with my boyfriends. I'm comfortable with being a submissive bottom... This is where my issue gets complicated... I'm very passable as female and only interested / attracted to men. When I'm with my boyfriend I get excited thinking about how I was actually born a boy... Kinda like the forbidden fruit theory... It feels so wrong that it feels right and I like it a lot.

My mom and dad got back together when I was 16. He has never supported me in the way I want to live my life... My dad isn't proud of me, he's ashamed of me and I'm more than confident he hates my guts. He is very religious and thinks I'm sick in the head for being this way... It makes me sad but what can I do?

Recently, I was being intimate with my boyfriend when my dad was suppose to be at work. He came home early and heard us upstairs in my bedroom. There was no question - he knew what was going on from the noise >< We didn't hear him and I guess he stood outside of my bedroom for a few minutes before he opened my door... He heard me saying things that didn't sit very well with him and I apologize if this offends anyone but some of the more less hardcore things were "I'm your gay princess" along with other things that would not be appropriate to type out here... Needless to say he flipped his lid... My mom now regrets agreeing to letting me transition and things have just been really weird... I like hearing me referred to as 'her' and 'she' but I love being shamed and degraded... treated like an object I guess? So, I kinda know I don't fall into the trans category... Am I just gay? I love living as a girl and no I don't have a stigma with being a gay male or anything like that...  If that's where I best fit in - I'm 100 percent okay with that... It's just the fact that I have lived my life as a girl for almost 10 years that really has me confused on what I am... Is there anyone here with information on what best describes me?

I won't be offended by opinions or judgement. I just want to know what I really classify as.

Sorry if I offended anyone. I don't mean any harm or disrespect by this... Maybe I should seek help?

Thanks for listening
Jessica

[Janes Groove]

You can be whatever you want to be if you free you mind from labels and socially imposed definitions of what you should be.
You can be a woman or you can be a gay man who takes female hormones or you can be a gay man who doesn't take female hormones.  Or something in between.  The possibilities are endless.  Every one is different and labels and names are mental constructs we create to make us feel we have power over the chaos of nature and to quiet the fears that we have of the dark night and of being alone and different.
The reality is that individuals are just that.  Individual. And unique.  But society is always trying to find a slot to put us into.  And a name to call us. Being confused is good.  It's part of the process of discovering you who are.

 

[SailorMars1994]

Not going to lie I havent heard of a story like this before. Not saying that doesnt make you trans or what not, just very unique. If I may say you could still very well be on the  trans* spectrum. It sounds like you have little dysphoira but do indeed enjoy being girly/female . There is the thing called being Non-Binary and being even androgynous. That could be your case, or you could be gender fluid in which you can feel like one or the other through time to time. I am envious that you got to start living female at a young age. My best advice, go see a gender thrapsit. One that wont either push you to be your birth gender or make you try and be binary female. But one that understands and accepts that gender is a spectrum and help you discover where you really are

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What you are describing looks something like this Transgender>Non Binary>??. We have members on the site who are the same and they continue to live opposite their birth gender but without surgery. While as transgender we all have the same discomfort with our body or life, we experience it differently and our need for treatment may be different. You should start out with our WIKI as that may help you discover where you belong.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Jessica-Light]

I'm not going to lie... I was pacing back and forth my bedroom hesitant to read the responses in fear of being ridiculed... I'm quite relieved at the responses everyone left... *phew*

I was always afraid to really ask this question and go into detail... I'm proud of who I am and who I may discover I might be but one can't help but ask "Maybe there's something wrong with me?"

I was really lucky that my mom didn't fully share the same views as my father... I thank her every day for letting me be who I wanted to be... But since this incident things have felt really awkward - like I'm walking on egg shells. I've been trying really hard to avoid any contact with my parents at this moment. I do feel bad that I disappointed them and wasn't what they had expected or planned for when I was born but I'm not ashamed of who I am. This thought has just been lingering in my head for a few years now. I'm glad my boyfriend (who is not aloud to step foot in this house anymore) accepts me for me - but I'm also aware that I may just be a fantasy or phase for him. I guess time will tell, right? *shrug* I guess that's a common fear for most here - finding someone who will truly love and accept every aspect of you. When I said I liked to be objectified it's mainly just in the intimate aspect - Outside of the bedroom I want someone who is romantic and claims me as their girl without fear of judgement. As I re-read my post it kind of made me seem like a sexual deviant but I do desire true love over anything else.

I really apologize if my incident and lifestyle offended anyone here. It wasn't my intention - I just didn't know where else to go. I was the only trans person in my high school where I'm from so it was hard trying to find someone who could even slightly relate to my situation. It was rough, especially being naïve and being open to people who just wanted to target me for ridicule. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I guess with my unique situation it may be hard for me to find true emotional, devoted, genuine love from a guy who looks past everything and just sees Jessica. Sorry for my rambling - I never really had a real outlet to connect with people who aren't narrow minded and don't see me as an abomination no matter how passable I may be. I'm proud and not of ashamed of who I am and don't want to lie about my own persona - That's not fair to myself or others.

Thank you all for not making me feel like I'm sick or gross. I'm a very sensitive and caring person... Maybe even a little to much... Even with all the negative things my father has said to me and occasional public humiliation I still can find it in my heart to look past it and love him. One day at a time... You have no idea how much better you all made my miserable few week <3

[SailorMars1994]

I had a hunch you were a good person to begin with !!

The amount of love you have for you dad is amazing, i wouldnt give him a second chance if he did that to me.

Remember this is a support group. We are all here for eachother and we are all sisters, brothers and maybe something in between;). We just ask, whatever you are wear it and own it!

[Dena]

From the greeting links, Standard Terms & Definitions these and all others are welcome here. This is a heavily moderated site and we welcome people who are exploring themselves. We don't tolerate people who cause trouble, who harm or are critical of another.  You have nothing to fear because the moderating staff will protect you from anyone who would post something harmful to you. At some point all of us have had thoughts like yours because we live in a society where there are few if any like us. We can't be judged by the standard of others because we are not like others. Just be yourself here and you will be fine.

[Sno]

Hi Jessica-Light,

Welcome to Susan's.

You are who ever you feel most comfortable being. Dysphoria hides in many different guises, and one such guise is social dysphoria. This could be as simple as wanting to be treated as a woman (or man and everything in between) - but the best way to explore that is with a gender therapist, as it's about how you feel and respond in situations and circumstances, instead of how you feel about physical attributes.

It sounds to me like your mum had this figured out, and your dad wants to deny it - that too is not uncommon, our lives are our own, and not a predetermined pathway, so live yours to be you!

We are a lovely crowd in here, come on in and join in.

Rowan

[Transdude]

Hey Jessica.  First thing, no one is gonna judge you or shame you here. I can't tell you what you are but I have heard a story like yours before.  From what you said about wanting to be submissive, be shamed and degraded and treated like property I would say you sound very much like what is known as a "sissy submissive" in the BDSM lifestyle. Basically this is a very feminine submissive male who likes having a dominant male partner. It's not uncommon for a Sissy to feminize herself and do hrt.  The one difference between a sissy and a transwomen is that a sissy doesn't want srs. She likes the fact she has male genitals.  For her the enjoyment comes from looking and passing as a girl but knowing she started as a male and has male genitals. I'm not saying that's what you are. I'm just saying that's what it sounds like to me. And the term Sissy isn't meant to be derogatory.  It's an actual term within the BDSM community.  And if anyone found this offensive I'm sorry. Wasn't trying to offend anyone. I was just trying to maybe help this girl .
Lucas

[Jessica-Light]

I'm so happy I decided to finally join a community... I wasn't expecting all the support and reassurance I've received from everyone who has commented. I'm a little stubborn when it comes to trying to help myself with my own problems like I should have it all figured out on my own... I just hit a mental wall and with everything that has happened / been happening I wanted to scream out in pure frustration, anger, and sadness. I live in a somewhat small town where almost everyone knows everyone so it's hard to find a safe place for me to go. I have friends, but not many and was fortunate enough to find someone to be with - but at my own will have tried to make it easy and stress free for him. Him and I are kind of incognito because I don't want to ruin his life or create problems for him. He doesn't care if people know but I just want him to be absolutely sure before we make the decision to go fully public with everything.

I have been trying to find a non biased, understanding gender therapist to talk to but it's difficult where I'm at. I'm hoping to move within the next few years (hopefully) and get away from here so I can start a life where this black cloud no longer hovers over me. I work full time at a clothing outlet but pay isn't that great. I'm still unsure what I want to go to university for so there's lots to think about.

As for my dad - I'm a very understanding person. I realize he was raised in a different time and was force fed a fallacy on how the world should operate so I feel I can't hold him personally responsible for his views when he was brain washed as a child. My grandparents were very Christian conservative and were scared of what they couldn't comprehend.

I was unsure of where I should turn too for support because as I said previously - I'm not even sure where I fit into in terms of this wonderful abstract melting pot of gender. I didn't want to offend anyone or feel like I was giving a bad representation to their belief and ideology. I just wanted to know who I was. I know I want to live as a female and have never second guessed it although, I have sometimes wished to of been born "normal" to rid myself from the headache I had / have to deal with.

As for the 'sissy submissive' comment which doesn't offend me at all (don't worry ) I was unsure of what it exactly was... The only information I could ever find were videos that were for lack of a better term "non educational". I'm not a sex fiend or have the desire to fully dedicate my life to such aspects. I have a very high standard in terms of who I get intimate with and I don't mean personal appearance. I want to be treated like a lady outside of the bedroom, I want a gentlemen who will make me feel safe, loved and respected... I do enjoy passionate, meaningful love making but we all have our bedroom fantasies. I may very well be just that but I'm still unsure of a lot of things when it comes to who I may be.

I'm sorry for the late replies. I've just been stressed out trying to get my mind off of life. I want to be more involved with this community in hope I may be able to help someone who is dealing with similar situations or give motivational support to others who are trying to find themselves in this ever evolving world.

I tried to update my profile but it appears I don't have access to do such. Is there a certain post limit or probation I have to wait in order to do so? I noticed I can't even send personal messages to other members.

Anyways... I want to thank every single one of you for taking the time to reply and giving me wonderful advice and guidance on my path to identity. It really made my heart feel warm and put a smile on my face.

[Charlie Nicki]

You can be whatever you want to be if you free you mind from labels and socially imposed definitions of what you should be.
You can be a woman or you can be a gay man who takes female hormones or you can be a gay man who doesn't take female hormones.  Or something in between.  The possibilities are endless.  Every one is different and labels and names are mental constructs we create to make us feel we have power over the chaos of nature and to quiet the fears that we have of the dark night and of being alone and different.
The reality is that individuals are just that.  Individual. And unique.  But society is always trying to find a slot to put us into.  And a name to call us. Being confused is good.  It's part of the process of discovering you who are.

I fully agree with this. I want to share something that my gender therapist told me: There's transgender people who are ruled by dysphoria and others that are primarily ruled by desire...Which means some seek to live as the other gender because living as their assigned one is painful (dysphoria) while others seek to live as the other gender because that's what they desire, what they dream of even if they don't have dysphoria. Some just want to be male or female (for whatever reason) without actually having paralyzing and painful hate towards themselves, their bodies or their current lives. Both cases are acceptable and considered transgender.

Do what makes you happy and have fun. You'll figure yourself out along the way, having questions and doubts is completely healthy.

[Jessica-Light]

I fully agree with this. I want to share something that my gender therapist told me: There's transgender people who are ruled by dysphoria and others that are primarily ruled by desire...Which means some seek to live as the other gender because living as their assigned one is painful (dysphoria) while others seek to live as the other gender because that's what they desire, what they dream of even if they don't have dysphoria. Some just want to be male or female (for whatever reason) without actually having paralyzing and painful hate towards themselves, their bodies or their current lives. Both cases are acceptable and considered transgender.

Do what makes you happy and have fun. You'll figure yourself out along the way, having questions and doubts is completely healthy.

That's the main reason why I've been so confused. I first started to think I was a real girl on the inside but as I grew up I was unsure what it was I felt. The only that that has always been 100 percent to me is I want to live my life and be seen as a female.

As my thoughts about who I was were ever changing - I did a lot of research and could never find any information on what I explained in my first post. I was always told and read "I was in the wrong body and I hate I was born inside of the wrong body"... I talked to some counselors and therapist who insisted I was ill and needed to be institutionalized because of how I felt but I truly feel nothing is wrong with me.

I took comfort in knowing if I felt this way, surely someone else out there must feel the same way. It's such a dark feeling when you think you're alone and no one can understand you which is why I decided to join the forum (soooo glad i did btw)

The thoughts I feel and how I want to be treated is mainly inside the bedroom... outside of the bedroom I want to be treated, respected and seen as a women... Maybe this is just a sexual fantasy of mine like how some couples like to roleplay? *shrug*

[Janes Groove]

I tried to update my profile but it appears I don't have access to do such. Is there a certain post limit or probation I have to wait in order to do so? I noticed I can't even send personal messages to other members.

You need a minimum number of posts before you can do all that stuff. I think it's 10 or 15 but you can always ask one of the mods.

[Jessica-Light]

You need a minimum number of posts before you can do all that stuff. I think it's 10 or 15 but you can always ask one of the mods.

Thank you very much for letting me know!

[Devlyn]

Dena already gave you all that information in the third reply above. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Charlie Nicki]

I was always told and read "I was in the wrong body and I hate I was born inside of the wrong body

You will find out through this forum, and through any competent gender therapist, that that definition is outdated and doesn't represent the entire trans population. It certainly doesn't represent me and many trans sisters and brothers here, a lot of us will say we never felt like a woman trapped in a man's body (or the opposite) but different situations in life led us to discover we were transgender.

[HappyMoni]

I don't mean this disrespectfully but you are very young. It may take a while for you to figure out your place in the world and that is totally okay, natural. I wouldn't sweat having a definition or label to put on yourself. Explore, experience things, keep an open mind and you will be just fine. Heck, I'm in my late 50's and I am still evolving. Good luck!
Moni

[SailorMars1994]

Jessica you are drop dead gorgeous <3

[Jessica-Light]

Awe Thank you very much girl <3 i hope yiu're feeling a bit better than you were earlier! Sorry for the late reply... I needed to get away from my bedroom after being confined to it for so long with another excuse besides having to go to work >< I'm actually very surprised and speechless - my boyfriend planned a dinner and a movie date for us which I was honestly not expecting.  I had a strong feeling after the incident that happened he would of fallen off the radar and ran for the hills... It was very sweet and needless to say I broke down with an overload of happiness. He Has definitly EARNED good points in my heart.

Thank you for the reply Moni. It takes a lot for me to feel disrespected so you have no worries there I guess that's the tough thing about being young... the need to fit in and found out where you truely belong. I've just been letting my thoughts get the better of me lately which I shouldn't. I'm glad I found a place where I can be around others who are like myself. You ladies are truely wonderful