Thank you ladies,
I am thinking about a lot of things right now, trying to wade through a lot of change. I have seen a number of people close to me die in the last few weeks. I was at a funeral 'celebration' last night. I am back to work, but my situation is totally changed. The students I had worked with for so long, kids who I was happy to think I had helped make real progress, are now with someone else. I step into a new situation with people who have worked together quite a while and I am feeling my way through so as not to step on toes. I am also trying to come to terms with living without my constant companion, my genital dysphoria. I am quite happy to have my surgery done and I am not complaining, but when one is on the pre-surgery side of things, there is such a drive, maybe even an obsession to get things together to get it done. After surgery, for me, it has been so relieving to not have that drive but it is a change not to have that goal. I had my eye surgery and although the big lump of fat is now removed, it is still not looking right. The doctor says it will take time. So, there are a lot of changes. I had wondered about how all this related to me being on this site as well. I think of people desperately wanting the surgery I had. If I continue to update stuff past this point, is there a danger of making anyone feel bad. My intention is not to say, oh look at my result, ain't it wonderful. I guess my original desire was to tell the story of GCS in a way more that just the X's and O's of the facts. I want to say stuff like at the funeral last night, I had my whole neighborhood around me. I was in a dress. I no longer had thoughts of me hiding anything. I was Monica, deserved to be a girl in my thick head, and now can not imagine myself any other way. That is an incredible difference that having this surgery meant to me. I have mentally turned a corner in my acceptance. This is one possibility of how one can feel after surgery.
I had a long chat with Laurie about me being on this site from here on. I don't want to be just another one who disappeared, but I want to have a positive effect, not bring anyone down. I, as a transgender person, am sick of being the person always looking to the future for my life. I want to learn how to experience every freaking moment, every 'now.' I am so tired of all the anxiety that has accompanied coming out, being in public, surgery. I need to figure out a way for the bad stuff to be put in its place and make room for enjoying the good. This is my new goal.
Oh my gosh, I am so rambling here. Rather than being down, I think I am doing a lot of soul searching. Sorry if this is a bore. Guess I needed to say it.
Moni