This is a legit question. Last week i was having a boo-boo kitty week that lasted from July 20th until the 28th. I was feeling a bit better on the thursday(27th) and even last tuesday but there were unusural waves of self doubt and self defeat in addition to being in bitter and rageful when i wasnt feeling semi-happy. I even posted a thread in the detransitioning section last monday about how i feel so overwhelmed with dysphoira.. which for me, leads to overwhelming disgust but also a huge feeling of feeling male. No matter how much i feel gross about the male feeling all i can do is fixate on penis, facial hair and typical maleness which leads to doubt which leads to panic attacks and sometimes, nay, all the time very dark thinking. I thought that even no matter how much i hate feeling male that somehow i must be....
Fast forward to last thrusday i started the day off more miserable then i had in quite sometime. I then felt a bit more calm as i went out and got breaky. That day i got my new glasses that seem to enhance a feminine look. That made me feel more confident for some time. Then, i went out and got my eye brows done and hair strightened. I saw this beautiful girl in the mirror. I didnt know how to feel. My heart was like ''There she is!!! this is who you are, embrace'' and a part of my body, that stupid fear chamber in the brain was like ''There she is!! this is who you want to be, no shut down and run away''. I spent the day feeling more confident in myself compared to the week before. I even took some cute pictures of my feminine look. I loved this feeling, but at the same time i was feeling scared of seeing these pics. Not just a few hours before i was thinking i am a con, and inferior to all women. Cis and Trans alike. Here I am getting that feeling of contentment that i hadnt felt in about a week, and i am loving it. But do i deserve to like it?
The rest of the day i was afriad to look in mirrors at a reflection. I wanted to see me at the most feminine point, but i knew somehow as soon as i was about to enjoy it, the feelings i had from the past week were going to kick in and ruin it. The following day, the 28th was remarkablly better. Since i wore a shower cap in the previous nights shower, my hair remained in tact. I did my make up, and normal stuff but that day, I could actually look in a mirror. And see this beautiful girl. I was overjoyed. No fear, guilt or shame attached. I felt rather great the whole day. Saturday i fell back a bit, but it still was absolutley nowhere near as bad as thursday morning or the week before. It was just getting into my good grove again. We did some shopping, i was feeling meh, not in a bad way but just not all there. I was spending much of the day kinda on edge of falling back down again. Yestarday was better, we went shopping, to the movies and Costco in Ottawa and i felt much better. We took family pictures and i couldnt stop getting excited. Seeing the picutres of thursday and yestarday i saw a girl. I seem my nice hair, i see real boobage.. like I actually got breasts!!!!! i seem a nice feminine smile. I see a woman. I can feel like a woman, i can use a woman bathroom and not think twice (used to give me axiety as i was so self concious about looks) i can look at womans clothing. I can actually be a woman as if ''he'' never happened.
Today, is another story however. Today, i woke up a bit so-so. Like the normal every morning you wake up i am so-so feeling that happens as the day hasnt even started. Then i did some chores and went for a bike ride. As soon as i hit the streets i felt free. Basically i felt more at peace and delightful today then i have in almost 2 weeks. I felt calm, active, joyful. I noticed that my ambitions and that feeling of needing to do something rather then just the same ol is back again. Today i feel calm-happy. More so, i dont feel ''him'' lurking around in the mind. Not even in the dark i cant see you places. Not undenialbally euphoric happy and then peaceful happy as i did say on July 17th, but still very happy and more importantly, still very very peaceful within my own skin. As I said, havent felt this good in atleast 11 or 12 days.
I am wondering though. Could i possibly have another underlying mental issue. Perhaps a form of bi-polarism or BPD? i am not trying to make this up but i have noticed that i often feel male at my lowest and at my highest far more myself. When i crash i freakin crash. When I am up I am never better. And nothing brings these feelings on more then what i dislike (maleness) vs what i feel most at home and happy with (femaleness) Could i have another mental issue that has attached itself to my dysphoira? or is this kind of pendulum of extreme feelings somewhat on par with being trans and still have hard feelings of discontentent of male-ness but also an annoying fear of being trans and a woman? I know i need to continue therapy, but i would like some insight.
Anyways, gotta run to work!
Much love-Ashley!
