I'm really not a fan of some of the language used these days. Stealth always makes me think of military aircraft hiding from enemy detection but I guess I'll just go with the flow? I've seen terms come and go and maybe someday someone will come up with better words, but I digress...
I'm a newcomer to the trans community. It's been about two years since I've started paying attention, reading, researching and learning about things after having my head buried in the sand about it all for many years as being trans has not been on my radar or a part of my life.
The thing is though that being trans is part of my history and something I lived with as a child and dealt with as a teenager. I was never really established or accepted as a boy and began transitioning at 15, started hormones at 17 and finished social transition immediately after graduating high school. There's not so much unusual about that except this was from 1970 to 1973. I has SRS at age 22 in 1977 which will be exactly forty years ago tomorrow.
I was fortunate enough to blend in or in today's parlance, I passed well. That was a requirement back then. I got my first job as a receptionist in a busy office at 19 and I was scared to death and more than a little paranoid of people finding out and the constant worry was draining but just a part of life. Within the next year or so, I had found an even better job where again no one knew and I always felt like I would just die if they did. It would have been the ultimate embarrassment plus in 1975~1976, society wasn't particularly favorable or knowledgeable about trans folk and I imagined all kinds of terrible things that could happen but work was going good, I had my own tiny place and was covering the bills. My mom and step-dad and the doctor I saw were the only ones that knew about my "problem".
Inside though, my life was crumbling and I was going downhill fast. Ever getting surgery seemed impossible and hopeless and depression and thoughts of ending it all only grew stronger. In my more desperate moments, I thought about robbing a bank and not even caring if I died in a shootout or something because I was headed for suicide anyway.
At rock bottom with all hopes seemingly exhausted and as a last ditch effort, I did one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life at the time. With all embarrassment and dignity aside, I explained my situation to our HR Director at work to see if there was any chance I could get coverage through our group insurance plan to cover my operation and if she would help me find out. I figured this news would spread like wildfire throughout the company but she assured me it would be kept confidential. To make a long story short, with a lot of back and forth between multiple doctors and Met Life™, my surgery was covered, which may have been a first for them (?) and my absence was explained to my co-workers that I was out having some "female troubles" taken care of. I worked there for another two years after that and as far as I know, my privacy or stealthy-ness was maintained. Nobody treated me any differently or ask me about or anything and this was just about when Renée Richards was making headlines and people's heads were exploding. In this case, breaking stealth saved my life.
I was pretty freaked out about people knowing and felt like it would have been the end of the world if they did. This got to be a real burden to lug around and I did make a few close friends I shared my history with, one that is still a good friend even today. She helped me learn that if people know you and like you, it doesn't really matter that much and is quickly forgotten. I had slept with a few people and not said anything but began to feel guilty about that plus I knew it was dangerous as heck but at work and in the rest of my life, I was not out at all. I was still really uncomfortable with people knowing about my history because I felt I would be looked at differently. I had no involvement at all with trans or LGB anything.
Moving ahead to my late 20's, I did tell my future husband before we got married. He freaked out for a while and I thought it was over but he came around. He was a macho guy in a macho profession and I'm sure he wouldn't have been too happy for his work buddies or his parents to find out so the stealth life continued. I didn't really even think about it.
In about 1992 or '93, when I'd have been about 37-38, I became good friends with a girl at work and over time told her my story. Well, it was so juicy I guess that she had to tell everyone in the office! It was a small company though and nobody seemed to care. The owner/boss, who was never shy about letting me know he thought I was attractive (in a nice way) asked me privately one day if what he had heard about me was true. I said it was and not much more. It was never mentioned again.
I was pretty depressed and upset about this for a while. I didn't want people to know that I had changed sex and the thought that people were probably trying to picture me as male really bothered me considering I'm sure they'd have all been way off base anyway. In spite of this, life went on. People didn't treat me any differently.
In 1995, I quit this job and started my own business. I brought several big accounts with me that I had been dealing with for several years prior. Jump ahead to today and I still have some of these customers and several hundred of their employees that have known me well over twenty-five years. The last thing in the world I would want would be to have any of these folks know my trans history so as you can imagine, I'm pretty protective of my privacy.
I'm also a member of a hobby club that is mostly guys and I sure as heck wouldn't want them to know either or my neighbors who happen to love me!
Curiously, the place where I used to work where everybody knew is still in business and I started doing sub-contract work for them about ten years ago. The owner is someone I consider a friend and in all these years, anything to do with me being trans has never been mentioned again since the early '90's. It just doesn't really matter.
So, I live my life in stealth for the most part but there are a couple of people I've known a long time that do know and I'm okay with that. All my family and relatives are gone and there's no one that ever knew me before I transitioned at 18. I've really gotten over the paranoia and feeling like I have something to hide but it is still nobody's business and I'd prefer it remain private. I don't do Facebook or any other social media but I have recently come out online and have found that talking about being trans is kind of refreshing after keeping it under wraps for close to 45 years.
I have found with people that know you well, being trans is just a blip on the radar like any medical condition that was corrected a long time ago might be. It isn't even worth mentioning so I sure don't go around volunteering it. If I were to become intimate with someone, which would only happen if I knew them and cared about them, then we'd have to have the talk because for some, unfortunately being trans is still a little bit more than a blip on the radar.
Sorry for the long post.
I've thought about this a lot over the years and never discussed it with anyone. It is kind of nice to have a place where it is okay to be out. I still don't want anybody to know though.
