Hi Ellis - congrats on your surgery! Writing to you almost 3 weeks post-op now, and so wanted to chime in on a few points.
I actually shared many of your concerns approaching surgery, including that I might 'regret' the surgery, or at the very least, hate it at first. I hate all changes at first, regardless of how good they end up being - I have literally never walked away from a haircut being like "looks good!" I hate new things for the very fact that they are new. So I actually mentally prepared myself to have a period of transition where I didn't like the way my new chest looked. I know a lot of folks have a "wow" moment at their reveal, but I also know a couple folks who really... didn't. And, not only did they not fall head over heels in love with their chest at the reveal (understandably, since you're still bruised, marked up, and all squished from the binder) but the fact that they were prepared to have this stunning moment of "oh my god it looks so fantastic everything feels right PROBLEMS SOLVED" and then DIDN'T made them feel even worse. Couple that with post-surgery depression (it's a thing) and the situation was bad. So, mentally, I prepared myself to probably hate it, and committed to give it some time. I also thought that, as much as I hated my chest, I might still miss it in some weird way - not the look or feel of it but just, that's a part of my body, and now it's in biohazard somewhere, and that's sad.
At the same time, I also reassured myself that it couldn't possibly be worse than the life I was living before surgery, in which I hated the way I looked naked, I hated the way I looked in clothes, and I could never escape my own oppressing myself with hatred. I figured, even if I still hate the way I look naked, at least I won't hate the way I look in clothes anymore, and decided that if that was all it ever gave me, that would be enough.
I don't know what your process will be like, but I can say for me, 100% none of those fears have actualized. I don't miss anything about my old chest (I don't feel like it's gone actually, it's just grown up into what it should be), I feel completely fantastic about how I look now, and I feel better in ways that I couldn't have even imagined before surgery. I just smile like an idiot walking down the street now when I realize how straight I can stand, when I feel the buttons of my shirt against my skin, and when I realize again and again that this is my real body now. I literally can't describe it, and am sort of tearing up just writing this. It took me no time to adjust, and from the moment I saw the result, everything felt worth it. Maybe it won't be like that for you, but I've actually been surprised at how easy it was for me, and how incredibly happy I am now.
Regarding your fears about anesthesia, I shared these as well - I had never been under general before (they will give you a muscle paralyzing drug) and was all freaked out that somehow I would be aware during surgery and not be able to tell anyone (doesn't help that you have to sign off on that as a risk). To be blunt: it's not as rare as everyone thinks it, it is EVEN RARER. I shared my concerns with my anesthesiologist, who clearly gets this question a lot, andgave me the numbers: every year (in the U.S.) there are 14 million cases of general anesthesia administered, and of these cases OVER ALL OF TIME, there are 24 documented cases of patients being aware during surgery. Ever. Like, ever ever. And, of those cases, 12 of them were trauma cases (bad car accidents, shootings, etc) where the surgeries were emergency and they had no prior knowledge of the patient and their substance use or other factors that can interfere with anesthesia. Only the remaining 12 were legitimate cases where they don't know why, but something went wrong. Of millions. Don't know if you're a numbers person, but that completely set my mind at ease, and I hope it does yours as well. Not to be morbid, but you have a MUCH higher risk of getting in a car wreck on your way home today, incurring injuries from that wreck, and dying from those injuries than you ever have of being aware during surgery. It really doesn't happen, but it plays on a fundamental and primal fear (helplessness in the face of suffering) so it's a fun plot line for Nip/Tuck, Grey's Anatomy, horror films etc to poke at.... THAT'S why we have this irrational fear, NOT because it actually really happens.
I hope this is helpful, Elis and congrats again - I suspect you are going to love it, just try to get through these next few months!
